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    This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
    Daughter dating my "best" friend?
    GuardSquealer posted:
    My daughter recently broke up with her boyfriend of about 2 years. My wife and I have long wanted her to do so, but we tried not to get involved. So we were rather happy when they finally did break up. She is turning 20 soon.
    About 5 years ago, a young man contacted me about doing some business together baling hay. It isn't my full time job, but in the summers I do it to keep the costs down at our horse boarding stable. Through the years, he and I became good friends. He helps me do a lot of work around the farm, and I pay him for the help, but he also helps with other things and goes on road trips with me when I need the company.

    I suppose to him I am more of a father figure, his dad is pretty much a dead beat, and he contacted me after his grandfather passed away and he didn't have anyway of getting the fields baled. He grandfather pretty much raised him.

    But I pretty much talked to him daily and I can always count on him when I need his help. He said from the beginning he would never date my daughter due to the fact that our business relationship and friendship was more important to him, so he wouldn't let a woman get in the way of that.

    Well after my daughter broke up I noticed my daughter started to do more things with him and I. And soon they were doing things together just as friends, since she didn't really have a lot of things to do. Well after a week or two I figured out that they were definitly doing more than hanging out.

    I am sad because I feel that he has betrayed our friendship, I really do like him, but would not have picked him for her to date. Primarily because he told me everthing about his previous relationships. I guess I lived vicariously through his adventures, but now I don't like the thought of him being with my daughter in that manner. And I am not sure if our friendship can ever be the same now.

    Then I also have issues with my daughter becoming intimate with him rather quickly. I know that most of the women I dated, I had in bed the first date, including her mother, my wife. But I sort of hold a higher standard for my daughter. I know that were because she would say she was going out and then wouldn't be home wihen I would leave for work early in the morning. I don't know what to expect today, but I would have been happy if they dated for a year or two before having sex. lol

    So I have a couple issues I guess, losing a friend or at least losing some aspects of our relationship and my daughter being intimate with him so quickly so often.

    Maybe somewhat a vent but I need some where to vent about it.
    darlyn05 responded:
    Hey Guard! Wow, that's a tough one. Not sure how I would handle this. First thought I'd have I guess would be a talk with him(probably more like a threat) of not repeating his past behaviors with your daughter and then the possible repercussions of working together and your sense of betrayal. And then perhaps a gentle heads up conversation with the daughter(although I think you covered that in the past generally speaking of inside the mind and body of a guy).

    Good Luck!
    1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on responded:

    Yes, i would say your in a bit of a pickle. But as you have grown close to this young man, do you think he is a good guy? Seems like he is really reliable and a hard worker. Sadly as I am sure you probably know, that you cant really pick who you fall in love with. It can just happen and even tho he said he never would date her, I dont know if you can hold that against him. For the simple fact that he probably had no intentions of dating her and then they got to know each other.

    On the other hand, your daughter who just got out of a relationship, got involved with someone rather quickly, she may just be trying to fill a void. I dont think having a conversation with the guy is a bad idea...i wouldnt make it a threat. Just speak candidly with him, you two seem very close, he should appreciate that sort of honesty. You obviously respect him, so just tell him how you feel about the situation. Get his thoughts about whats going on in his head and where he stands on all of this.

    Ultimately your daughter is an adult now and as much as she will always be your little girl, you have to cross your fingers that she listened to all advice you have given her in her lifetime. Given how quickly this guy began to look up to you in that sort of fashion, Im pretty sure you did a great job raising your daughter. The hardest part about being a parent is letting go and letting them fly on their own.

    Best of Luck!

    GuardSquealer responded:
    I have been getting along with him ok. He is a decent young man. Only problem is he isn't super motivated to get a real job. He does work for me on occasion, but I am not in the position to hire someone full time. A good friend of mine hired him full time about 2 years ago, and he did a good job. He just felt he worked to hard for the amount of pay. So he quit and went to work for his ex girlfriends father, he did that until this past summer then quit to bale hay with me. I can keep him busy about two months of the year doing hay.

    My neighbor wanted to talk to him about a full time job, but he didn't even go down to talk to him. I have talked to him about starting a couple businesses. And I believe he would work hard in a venture like that, but the businesses I have thought of starting with him require some capital and I am not in the position to invest a ton of money in the unknown right now.

    So for now they are having fun, and hopefully it will be a happy story.

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