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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
New Here- Can You Ever Recover From An Affair?
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HighTide_64 posted:
I am really struggling and need to just get this out somewhere.

I am 24, a mother to a beautiful toddler and married to the only guy I have ever slept with.

A year ago this month I found out he had an affair and impregnated a woman 11 years our senior. I was beyond crushed. It was bad, lots of drama went down and quite frankly I don't know what I was thinking staying with him. He took her for an abortion after I found out and has cut all ties with her.

I just can't get over this, I cringe when he touches me and sometimes I can't even look at him. We weren't even married 6 months when he cheated, I refused to celebrate our anniversary and I am having a hard time with him planning valentines. Last valentines he spent the night with her and then brought me home flowers. It makes me so sick to even think about it.

This affair has me lost in every way. I feel so badly about myself, like why am I not good enough, I am always mentally comparing myself to this woman. I just don't get it, she wasn't an attractive woman, she was over 30 pounds overweight, not pretty in the least, an alocoholic and had 3 kids she dumped on everyone so she could party.

I know I should just leave because I can't forgive this. I am just so worried about being a single mom. I didn't finish school because of the baby, I have no one to help me and I do not want to share my daughter at all. If he's attracted to this caliber of woman what's to say he won't dump my child on a 14 year old pothead so they could party. I am miserable but I am trying to put my daughter first.

I thought time would make it better but it's just made it worse. Sorry for rambling I am just so depressed about this...

Cookies if you read this all...
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darlyn05 responded:
Yes, some people, or rather couples, can recover from their partner having an affair. As to how long the process takes as a whole, is completely individualized.

Did or have you had some counseling to help you identify with the healing process and learn coping strategies? What steps have you and your husband taken to repair your marriage after this happened? Without resentment, how does your husband otherwise in general behave, view, feel and think of your relationship/marriage and the like towards the children?

It's not uncomon for certain events to trigger a persons emotions, bring flashbacks and almost like re-living everything all over again.

Has your husband shown you remorse? Has he and/or is he putting an effort into rebuilding or regaining your trust?
 
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HighTide_64 replied to darlyn05's response:
At first he was insisting on therapy but then it turned into that only I needed to go and now he sees it as a waste of time.

I guess the biggest problem is with how he views the whole thing. He doesn't want to have his "mistake" control him so he thinks we should put it behind us never to speak of again. If I get upset or down he acts like he doesn't know why I should be upset or he gets angry I'm "still hung up on that".

He has never shown true remorse, just the typical "I will never do it again" lines of BS.

He has never been good at taking responsibility for his actions, he even tried to put the "guilt" of the abortion on me, ie since I would never stay with him if he was a father to that baby it's because of me that he pushed for one.

I think I have just reached the point of no return, I have looked up attorneys. He told me the other day if it was still bothering me to divorce him sooner rather than later so he wouldn't lose as much stuff. He has not had the right mindset at all, he is just acting relieved to have "gotten away with it".
 
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darlyn05 replied to HighTide_64's response:
You mentioned that you have no one to help you, do you mean that you live that far away from family? What about your friendships?

I think it would be in your and your daughters best interest if you did go to some counseling. Not necessarily for your marriage, for yourself and inturn for your daughter. It could better able you to sort some of these things out for you and her.

Have you thought of returning to school?
 
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queston replied to HighTide_64's response:
I acknowledge that marital arguments bring out the worst in people, but did he really say "...to divorce him sooner rather than later so he wouldn't lose as much stuff?"


Do you really want someone with such a stunning lack of empathy and personal responsibility to be your partner in raising your daughter?
I think you should trust yourself. Your reactions toward him seem appropriate to me. I'd call those attorneys if I were you.
 
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fcl replied to queston's response:
All I can add to what queston said is to make sure that you get an attorney of the pitbull type ...
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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gd9900 responded:
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Betrayal is difficult enough to deal with. From what you've shared, its no wonder you are having doubts - it doesn't seem his actions are supportive of you and your relationship. It's been over a year and he hasn't provided for your needs to help you through this. If you are at that point where you can't live like that anymore, you shouldn't. Take a step and don't worry about what is out of your control. Things manage to work out somehow.
 
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Kloudnine responded:
I agree with the others. What complete disregard he has for your feelings as well as what he has done to this relationship and his family. I am so sorry for what you have to go through..many hugs to you and your lil one. You deserve better, and so does your daughter. You can do this on your own..look at how many single mothers there are out there!! Heck I am one of them...it's not easy, but it can be done, and you certainly are better off alone than unhappy! Take the steps you need to to be happy and healthy, and if I were you, I would take him for all he has after he made a comment like he did (to divorce him sooner rather than later so he wouldn't lose as much stuff). Don't doubt yourself, and futhermore, don't think you need him to raise this child..he has obviously proven to you what kind of man he really is. Take care and best wishes to you!
 
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Rock_Knutne responded:
In my humble opinion, yes YOU can. That will solely be up to you.

As far as your relationship recovering... That will be up to both of you.

As a fellow 'survivor' of infidelity, (25 years hence) I have some insights that might be useful to your recovery or possibly your eventual separation.

I see very many coincidences in the affairs perpetrated on both of us and the way you responded (according to your writing) was very much the way I responded.

I see the last post was 3 months ago so I'm not going to go into any great detail here in case this is already an expired thread. If I see a response or an inquiry then I'll respond with more detailed information.

BTW... I read it all. I love cookies.


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