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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
Dealing with divorce...
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displaced83 posted:
I tried to post this earlier and it hasn't shown up, so I'll try again. I am just starting to go through a divorce after being married for a year and a half. I don't regret the decision to do so, as there's no working on my failing marriage. I'll happily answer questions as to why, but that's not my concern here. My problem is the fact that I don't know if I can trust my judgement when it comes to men and relationships. Obviously, I thought I should marry this man. Looking back, I don't understand why. I feel like I've failed and disappointed my parents and myself. I never married thinking I'd get divorced! Especially not after such a short amount of time! We don't have children or a house, so that's not the issue. I just don't know how I can trust my own feelings anymore. Has anyone else felt the same way?
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tlkittycat1968 responded:
I don't think anyone goes into marriage thinking they'd get divorced. While I've never been divorced, I'm pretty sure your feelings are normal.

I've heard one thing to do is to write down the positive things about your soon-to-be ex. I'm sure there are some. This is not to make you feel bad about divorcing him but to help you look for the same good qualities in someone else.

I'd wait before starting to seriously date again. Now's the time for you to figure out what you want and don't want in a relationship.
 
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queston responded:
Well, what would have *really* disappointed your parents and yourself is if you had stayed in a failed marriage and made yourself miserable. So, if anything, the fact that you chose to get out shows that you are strong and wise and can make the right decision. As the parent of young adults, I know that they won't always be on the path that I would have chosen for them, but their happiness is much more important to me than that.

I think you got some excellent advise from tlkittycat : just because your choice of husbands may seem like a poor one now, that doesn't mean it was a poor decision on your part or that you should question your ability to make decisions. Sometimes things just go bad--learn from it and move on.

And while I agree that this is probably not the time for a serious relationship, it could be the time fro some casual, no-strings attached dating. If nothing else, it my be good fro your self-esteem, which seems a little bruised right now. It's a nice little pick-me-up to learn that others find you attractive, I would imagine.
 
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gd9900 responded:
I didn't go into my marriage just to end up divorced...I don't suppose there are many who do. And it's pretty normal to feel some sort of shame over a failed marriage. The bottom line is, sometimes divorce is inevitable.

The terms of my divorce left me with a great deal of trust issues...the first of which had to do with me questioning EVERYTHING about myself. I tore myself apart and slowly put the pieces back together. Then as I realized I am a good person and I didn't bring the divorce on I found trust in myself. Then I questioned trusting others...it became clear who in my life I trusted. What I struggle with now is how to trust someone new?

Are you aware of what it is that directs your lack of trust in yourself? Does it have anything to do with your marriage/divorce?

Is there a reason that you know of that would explain why you are feeling this way? Other than your marriage/divorce?


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