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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
Marriage counseling begins
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nph106 posted:
We just got thru our second session with a marriage counselor. Holy crap it is harder than I expected. I think in the long run it will be more beneficial than going to my other gal by myself, but this counselor throws things at us that are really hard to get thru. I think I am still alittle to raw to be at this level, but it is what it is, I guess. My husband is surprising me with his participation in things, but I am still not in a very good place. Sure hope we can get thru this and come out together. Our anniversary & Valentines Day were brutal last week. We went & visited family, who surprised us with a romantic weekend at a resort. Cripes, never saw that coming. Should have gotten an Oscar. It will break their hearts if they ever realize what we were in the middle of when they did this for us. Worrying about that ripple effect again. Seeing our gal again next week. My goal is to be in her office and make it at least 10 minutes before the tears start. That seems to never improve, and is getting very old for me. Hard to talk when it starts!!
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fcl responded:
Like you said, you are still in the very early stages of all this. You're still taking baby steps but you are moving forward. It doesn't matter how slow things seem you are going to get there.

Let me throw out an idea to you. Have you considered that your family is perhaps aware of you situation and thought that a romantic weekend might be good for you to be away from your usual surroundings?

By the way, tears are normal even if you're in therapy for something a lot less intimate than this. Don't set not crying as a goal. Your tears need to be let out. Accept it. Let them flow. When you're ready you'll find that you won't cry or that you won't cry so readily.

Wishing you well,

FCL
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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nph106 responded:
No this part of my family has no idea what is going on. They live 3 states away and have been going thru a very tough time with medical issues. They are very focused on that, but just do really thoughtful things. This was our 35th anniversary, so that was the reasoning. I haven't even considered pulling them into this rotten situation with what they are going thru. Will eventually be shared, but hopefully we will be in a better, stronger place so they can deal with our situation alittle easier. I know what you mean about healthy tears, but it is really hard to be in a conversation and get somewhere when it is almost impossible to talk. Onward and upward I guess. Thanks for listening.
 
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darlyn05 replied to nph106's response:
I agree with FCL, don't avoid or skip steps in this healing process. You need to be able to cry to get past this stage of grief. I wondered if the couples/marriage counseling may be happening a bit too soon, before you were ready from a personal stand point. Have you tried meditation?

I think it's possible that there's a part of you that is screaming inside of you, wanting to 'spill the beans' with them and get it out of your system that is fighting the other part of you that may be feeling shame, as well as caring not to burden them in their current situation. Like you're all alone, not having anyone to share this with, bounce things off of, or a support system. I'm understanding that you are very close with this part of the family, and maybe you are feeling somewhat guilty for 'not' sharing this with them(although for the right reason).

As wonderful and thoughtful of a gift that they gave you, I can understand your mixed feelings surrounding it. As quickly as we would like to get past or get through something like this, it still takes some time to process and heal. Believe it or not even for some couples that have seperated from the same issue.

Just a thought, how is your health in general otherwise? Are there other possible variants that maybe intensifying or adding things to this for you? Do you exercise? What are you doing for you personally, get that good feeling about you sort of things?
 
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nph106 replied to darlyn05's response:
You are right, I feel very guilty for not talking to my family about this situation. My sister is my go to for everything, but her family is the one with the massive medical issues now. She will be heartbroken that I did not let her help me thru this, but I know I am making the right decision here. It does feel like I am deceiving her, but it is necessary.

I don't think we went into counseling too soon, I just think it will be tough no matter what.

Unbelievable happening the other day. The OW sent me a text last Thurs, saying she was probably the last person I wanted to hear from, but she was in LasVegas and remembering what a wonderful time we had last year when we went on our last girls trip, that she was sorry I got hurt, and hoped my heart was healing. Can you believe that one!!! No ownership of her part in this, and obviously no understanding of the depth of damage the two of them caused. I swear she believes our friendship will survive this!! Man that sent me into a tailspin. It has been a rough week, but I must say my husband stepped up to the plate with supporting me. After that text, I had a weird episode of bad flashes of images of the 2 of them, like I was in a room while they were together. It was like it was really happening, which makes you think you are going crazy, and sends you back to square one. I told him I don't think I can do this, and felt maybe we should try a separation, and he really talked to me and worked us thru it. Very out of his normal character. We saw the counselor today, and talked in depth about everything that happened. It was very helpful, and she really put some things in perspective for me. I cannot let that woman get me to that place again.

My health is normally very good, but I am really battling HBP issues that I cannot get a handle on, and stomach ailments, probably neither one a surprise! I am working on finding a calm place, and some balance, but those quiet times are when the demons really hit you, so a bit of a catch 22. I love to read, but cannot seem to find the focus to get back to that either. What a mess. We are getting busy on the farm again, which is my happy place, so we will see if that will work its magic, along with my beautiful granddaughter. Thanks for listening to my rambling.
 
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darlyn05 replied to nph106's response:
It sounds as though you have faith in your counselor, and I hope your husband feels the same way. I'm very glad he was able to support you during that difficult time. Gives you an idea of his dedication, commitment and love for you to overcome this.

I'm guessing the OW sent such a text to put feelers out to see where you are or stand so far in this. That's sometimes how people do it, to see where and how you are without accepting responsibility. Or I could read it as somewhat of an apology when she texted stating that she was probably the last person you want hear from, and she was remembering a happy event with you which may be tearing her up with some guilt. It's anybodys guess, I don't know anything about her. Is there any way you can block her texts or calls, even temporarily? I don't think you need to concern yourself with that end of this any time soon.

Do you find yourself reaching out for reassureance in some ways to your husband? Like the moments that you feel a need for a hug and some closeness, that he's there for you by your side where he feels your pain and wishes or wants to take it all away. Comfort. Has something similar to this come up during your sessions/appts, even showing care and concern by reaching out and hold the others hand? Or maybe nows not the time for that.
 
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darlyn05 replied to darlyn05's response:
PS. What type of farm(ing) do you have/do? Have you considered any dietary changes that might make or take it easier on your digestive system? What about aroma or musical therapy as a thought? A luxurious bath, maybe with Chamomile and/or Lavender?

Another thought I'd like to share, I just recently got a membership at a therapy center, it's set up like a gym and the Curves facilities, yet it has physical therapists on staff and the atmosphere is unlike that of a gym or Curves, more serene in nature. I can't wait to get started, it'll be my me time, to feel good about myself and life in general and take care of my health.
 
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nph106 replied to darlyn05's response:
We do both feel pretty comfortable with her. No bull allowed! I appreciate that. I responded to the OW text with a promise that I will have a sit down with her kids if she contacts me or my family again, and that all things concerning her in my life are dead and gone. I feel that will keep her away from us. We'll see. I know she has shared this situation with no-one, and will want to keep it that way if possible. Quite a gutless person, I have discovered. Whatever.

We are a cow-calf and dry land farming operation, so going into our busy birthing season. It will be a good distraction and keep us working together. I am also an office manager in a busy medical office, so the plate is full. A good full though. I have been going to bed every nite with soothing musical therapy, and I think it helps my husband too!! The warm bath is where my bad flashback blew up on me last week, so it may be awhile before that happens again. I do much better when we are joined at the hip, strangely enough. This is such a surreal situation. My husband seems to have come out of the bizarre fog he was in during this affair, and is really trying to reconnect and work thru this. I am the one dragging my feet at this point. I just cannot see very far into future and believe that I can get over this situation and forgive. Weirdly not so much the affair itself, but the choice of OW he made and the emotional commitment they gave each other, and took away from me.It just cuts too deep from both directions. I know I need alot more time, as you guys have mentioned, but you sure feel stuck in quicksand alot. Guess I just have to lean on our history and the good years to carry me thru, and try to remember we are all human.

That therapy center sounds really interesting. I have been thinking about getting into a Yoga class but I may be alittle too raw emotionally right now for that setting. You will have to let me know how that goes.

I thank you again for your support and very helpful insight. I have a great team of family and friends helping me thru things, but we have so much emotional junk to deal with!! I am so glad you don't know any of the players in this ordeal, and can just give me the info & advice you have shared.
 
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tlkittycat1968 replied to nph106's response:
I've heard what might help is getting your feelings out by writing them down. Sometimes just giving a voice to your feelings helps. Once your write them down, put it away. After a few months of this while in therapy, go back and look at your ealier writings and you will probably find you've made gread progress.

It's sort of like my DS. He sees a neurologist twice a year and he sees great improvement since he sees him so infrequently while we don't really see it because we see DS every day.
 
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nph106 replied to tlkittycat1968's response:
I tried writing things down but it just made me angrier. I have been thinking that it was just to close to my discovery of the situation, so I may try that again. It has been suggested multiple times, so there must be some merit in the idea. Thanks for reminding me of this.


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