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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
What to do about my husband's curiosity?
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Bella324 posted:
Ok, I don't want to come off as one of those "I'm thinking about divorce" girls, but rather I think I could use a little guidance with my situation. I'm 30 years old and have been with my husband for 4 years, married for a little less than 1. Just for background, we met through a friend of his from college (mine from grade school) who informed me before our first date that he was a bi-sexual. I ignored her gossip and went out with him anyways. Later while dating I confronted him on the information and he told me that while in college he was curious and tried gay intercourse twice. He tried it from both the giving and receiving ends but apparently wasn't "into it". He confided in me that he just liked having his prostate stimulated and had obtained his own toy to do it himself. I was ok with that to the point where I've even assisted him in achieving climax that way.

Now just like any man he enjoys having sex and tries for anal every once in a while but doesn't get lucky with that too often. But lately he's been pushing for it more and more. Today I found him looking at she-male pornography on his computer and when I asked him about it he shoos me away all embarrassed. I just don't know if I should be concerned or not? Right now we're tying for a baby and I'm concerned that I'm only part of some facade he's putting on to be normal. I have no one to talk to about my concerns because no one I know would understand.

He also has these tendencies that I question every once in a while... Like his love of broadway show tunes, Justin Beiber music and trying to walk in my heels. I love this man, I really do, but I'm so scared that he's going to come out on me one day. Is it all in my head? Is there anything I can do to help myself feel better before I go to have this man's baby? Someone help me.... I feel utterly alone.
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stevesmw responded:
Taking your post at face value, he's likely bisexual. The questions I have are:

1. Will he be happy being monagamous?
2. How is the rest of your relationship?

I am heterosexual and love women's bodies. I would enjoy having multiple partners,but I am married and being monagamous is a big part of that. I haven't looked at porn in over a decade, but do check out the SI swim suit pages.
 
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queston responded:
What kind of background did he grow up in? If he is only 30-sh, then he has probably grown up in a culture that is *reasonably* open about things like bisexuality and homosexuality, but if he grew up in a very conservative family and/or a rural area, etc, maybe that is the larger factor here.

Here's my point: if he grew up aware of variations in sexual orientation, explored love/sex with both men and women, and then fell in love with and married a woman (you), then we could reasonably considered his sexual orientation and what kind of life he wants to live, and he chose to marry you (and you knew about his presumed bisexuality going into the relationship).

BUT, if he grew up in a more closed-minded environment, where he might not have been able to honestly assess these things and learn what kind of person he was and what kind of person he would love, then you might have a little more to worry about as far as him "coming out" one day. If this is the case, then maybe some counseling (for him as well as for you as a couple) might be a good idea before starting a family.

As far as the shemale porn and his desire for anal sex, I don't really think those are much of a factor here. Porn and masturbation are about fantasy: it's kind of logical that a bisexual person might find that kind of porn a stimulating fantasy. And anal sex? Well, lots of straight people like anal sex.
 
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queston replied to queston's response:
Sorry, some words got deleted in the second paragraph:

Here's my point: if he grew up aware of variations in sexual orientation, explored love/sex with both men and women, and then fell in love with and married a woman (you), then we could reasonably assume that he has considered his sexual orientation and what kind of life he wants to live, and he chose to marry you (and you knew about his presumed bisexuality going into the relationship).
 
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1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on responded:
Bella,

Steve and Quest make some really good points. There is a theory called Wilson's Syndrome or something to that effect(sorry its been a long day). But basically what it states is that over time a stimuli can become boring and the person looks for a new and exciting stimulation. In his case this could explain the shemale porn...Has he watched pornography for a long time? Over that time he could have just gotten bored with the "normal" stuff. As Quest mentioned, since he is bi-sexual, that does make sense as well.

The fact that he likes show tunes, doesnt make a man gay, thats a pretty big stereo type. He could just enjoy culture and arts, there is nothing wrong with that. As a matter of fact, there are many women out there who find that sort of trait sexy. Now the Bieber music...that has to STOP! lol j/k. I can understand your plight on this one, he is a grown man and really has no business listening to that drivel. However, the Bieb's is a talented individual, probably with the help of his sound techs.

From the sound of your post, it seems like you guys have a very healthy and active sex life. Its natural for you to have those types of concerns, but, you knew he was "bisexual" going into the relationship. And it also sounds like you two have a pretty good line of communication as well, you may just need to sit down and have a heart to heart conversation. He may not know exactly what your feeling and he may be able offer you some comfort and reassure you that, your the one for him.

Best of luck!

IC
 
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billnjenn responded:
Bieber put it over the top for me. No adult far less straight male likes the Biebs. While that is somewhat intended as humor, no straight male would eve "try" gay sex! unlike women who are wired that same sex attraction and pleasure are acceptable, only men trying to deny they are gay "try" sex with another man.

Interviews with sex experts will tell you many men enjoy some prostate stimulation and occasional anal sex with a female but the signs are clear your husband is in denial.

Now it's up to you to decide if the rest of your marriage is important enough to you that you stay with a gay man who wants a beard.
 
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gayboyz replied to billnjenn's response:
Some Men just really honestly wanna try and thats it i wouldnt actually know about trying because ia m a fully Gay person but hey if he wants to try let him
 
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billnjenn replied to gayboyz's response:
I have no issues with people trying whatever sex they are interested in trying. However, if you get married you make a promise to that person based on what you have represented yourself to be. IF they went into the marriage knowing he was into men, that is one thing. IF they at some point agree that it is fine with BOTH of them that he can TRY something like this fine.

The problem arises when this is not agreeable to both parties. Then either they compromise, he agrees to not pursue this desire or they split.

If his being with men is a deal breaker for her, she should know his intentions before starting a family.

We have tried all kinds of alternatives in our sex lives but always with both parties consent.

Without all information one can not be sure, but this guy seems like a gay man who wanted to try and live the kind of "normal" lifestyle society expected of him but his desires remain.

She must get him to be honest with her and himself before they bring another life into the mix who could suffer from a troubled marriage. Certainly many gay men are in marriages with women and they make it work, but both parties need to know where they stand and be willing to live with it.


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