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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
Trying to figure out what's up....
An_250845 posted:
Okay, this is a legit question. Won't seem it, but, HTG, it is.
Wife and I married for 20+ years, 3 kids, all in college.
Sex life has been infrequent, 1-2x per month max. I began thinking she might be cheating, mentioned it. She swore no. Never.

That was 3 months ago.

Now it's 3-5x per WEEK, sometimes 2-3 times per night, and she has gone from Disney Channel to X rated. Incredible.

Okay, so I've spoken with friends and it comes down to 3 thoughts:
1. Cheating guilt
2. She saw my insecurity and had a moment to reflect
3. Dude, why are you even bothering with this?

One more thing- have been for past 4-5 months checking emails, phones. Nada. I am 99% sure no cheating, but I cannot explain the reversal. I must add that she has NEVER been this way.
gd9900 responded:
Maybe she thought you were satisfied with the status quo? Or maybe it had been that way for so long it didn't occur to her the infrequency would make you question her having an affair? I'd say your question unleashed a rekindling for away, married a long time...if you haven't found any signs of cheating and are that sure she is not, consider yourself a very lucky man!!!
darlyn05 responded:
You didn't mention how old the two of you are. Either way, funny things happen to us as we get older. Perhaps she is merely relishing in the fact that it is just the two of you now with the children being in college. Why not just run with it.?.
fwb1955 replied to darlyn05's response:
45 ish, both.

So far it seems #3 is the way to go. I'll still watch out, however!
stevesmw responded:
My first thought is she is undergoing a physical or emotional change. Second thought is the reflection might be on your happiness and she is trying to improve the relationship.

I don't know of many women who increase their level of sexual activity unless they are finding it very enjoyable.
queston replied to fwb1955's response:
My wife's libido changed fairly dramatically (in the other direction, unfortunately) when she started having perimenopausal symptoms, around age 40 for her. It's not that unusual.

Is she experiencing other menopause-related symptoms? Did she start or stop taking any meds? BC pills?

There could be a physical/hormonal component to this, as well as the other things people have mentioned.
tmlmtlrl responded:
I wanted to suggest that because your focus is on the fact that you asked her about an affair that you may be overlooking something else.

Why not push the affair idea to the back burner and first tell her you are happy with the changes (assuming you are) and then ask her if something happened that you should know about. Maybe she had an upsetting visit with her doctor and she's not telling you. Tell her that even though you love and would like this to continue that you're feeling worried about her and ask about the change.

She's much more likely to open up to you if you come to her in concern for her, her life, and her health, than if it was under suspicion of an affair.

Just a thought if you're really wanting to know what happened with her.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
An_250841 responded:
One study has proven that the best age for a woman's sex drive is 40-50. So if it is in that range, nothing is wrong and enjoy the ride.
queston replied to An_250841's response:
All I can say about that study is, "Your milage my definitely vary."

I bet we had sex as many times in any given year of our 20s and 30s as we have the whole (almost) decade of our 40s. The conclusion of that study most definitely does not fit my wife's experience.
Jumper2011 responded:
Has she been reading Fifty Shades of Grey? lol
Mamihlapinatapai responded:
Choice #3. For those of us getting it 1-2x per year, the good fortune you describe is a non-issue.
The most elementary and valuable statement in science--the beginning of wisdom--is 'I do not know.'
billnjenn responded:
Makes me think of the scene I 'When Harry met Sally' "I'll have what she is having"

If you can find what caused the change bottle it and make billions.

Don't look a gift horse in the mouth and enjoy.

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