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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
My boyfriend and I live together and have for 7 years. I have two kids and he has two kids. I've posted on here my troubles before, with him not wanting to marry, says he doens't love me, but we normally get along well as friends, and we've created a family, so we stick it out.
Lately things have gotten worse. We haven't had sex in a couple months, neither of us wants to, mostly because I've gained a good 30 lbs, but am slowly losing it, it's just hard to lose!. At night after we put the kids to bed, we go our separate ways in the house (well, normally he goes his separate way, it seems). He bites my head off if I ask him any question, "can you fold these clothes? Can you watch the kids tomorrow night? What time will you be home for supper?" type of questions. This past weekend I asked if he'd cut the grass, as our yard looks hideous right now, we haven't cut it yet this year. He said, "Nope, doesn't need it." He played video games all weekend instead. I cut the grass Tuesday while he was at karate practice. Wednesday morning, rather than saying how nice it looked, he said, "why'd you cut the grass, it didn't need it." This made me mad and caused a fight. I told him I need to feel more appreciated. I work full time, homeschool the kids, I do 95% of the laundry, cooking, dishes, and 100% of the house cleaning and 100% of the bills. I'm just out of time, and have no time for me. He basically laughed at me, accused me of being "on the rag" and left. Later that day, our power got shut off because I forgot the pay the bill. I took care of it and they turned it back on again, but I called my boyfriend and was upset and said that I really need his help with ANYTHING, either bills, house, kids, something!
I felt bad for being mad, made a nice supper, and was going to apologize when he got home. He never came home. I tried to call him and text him, but not no response. Finally he got home at 10:30 and said he had a back massage after work and that he emailed me at 6:00 to let me know he wouldn't be home until 10:00. He took no responsibility and said he did what he should be emailing me, it's my fault I didn't check my email.
I'm so angry that after such a rough day for me, he'd go get a message and email me his plans. He said I'm overreacting, and that he had it scheduled for weeks, and he's not obligated to tell me his schedule. Then it hit me, is he cheating? So I asked him. He said, "oh, so that's what's going on here. You are not upset about not knowing where I am, but because you think I'm cheating!" He then said to the cheating question, "No, but I'm not going to sit here and defend myself, call the massage place." I'm not going to, and I've always believed him that he's working late, or has karate or a message, or is going shopping.
So, am I out of line getting upset about all this? I want to leave so bad, but he's a good dad to my kids, and they don't remember not living with him, and I love his kids. So, I just want things to work out for now, but I don't know how to make that happen either. I'm out of energy!
He may be good to your children but consider how damaging it is for them to live in an atmosphere of tension and nearly constant arguing/bickering. This guy is treating you like a maid. He considers that all the upkeep of the house and care for the children is your responsability. You have no communication, no sex, the only thing that is holding you together is the roof over your head.
At this point, does it really matter whether he is cheating or not? He clearly has no respect for you and is simply taking advantage of you. You said yourself that this has gotten worse... How much worse are you willing to put up with? How much worse can your children handle? More importantly, what are you teaching your chidren about relationships?
Finally, you are not overreacting... unless, of course, you like being treated like a servant...
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
Twice yesterday I typed long responses to this post, but in both cases the forum malfunctioned and the responses were lost. What I was attempting to say was essentially what FCL has said.
I was particularly taken aback at his attitude that he didn't have to tell you his schedule. What an ass. Especially if you are preparing a family meal--any decent partner most certainly would feel obligated to coordinate schedules with you. (At the VERY least.)
From your description, it's hard to tell why the two of you are together at all. You don;t have sex. You don't spend time together. He lacks even the most basic show of respect toward you. What are you getting out of this relationship?
I agree with both of the above posts. This realationship was toxic when i read the previous post about a month ago. It is very toxic. And just as well as the others said, it does not matter that he is father figure to your children if he is treating you like this. You dont have to put up with it. Like i said in my reply to the previous post. Get the kids and go somewhere. You dont need to move out right away, just go stay with a family member or a friend for a week or two while to re-think your relationship and it will also give him time to notice everything you do. But if that does not work, then you need to leave for good.
Absolutely agree with what everyone else has said! You deserve to be happy and so do your children...you need to think about them as well. Do you want them to grow up thinking that this is how a relationship works and that this is the norm? Because that is what they see, and that is exactly what they think, and are more susceptible to being treated, and treating others this way as well. Take some time apart from one another and see how things go...re-evaluate the relationship. I wish you well and good luck to you and the kids : )
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