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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
Is my wife a DUD?
ricky123 posted:
I have been married 5 years. Shortly after getting married we got pregnant. We weren't entirely read for it as my wife's doctor told her she had been on the pill so long it would take around 6mo-1yr to get pregnant. My wife had post pardum depression bad for about 1 yr following the birth of our son. From that time on, it has been ailment after ailment from teeth to back pain. Her latest is back pain, which i do believe is real. Her ailments keep her in bed and i feel like i am a single father. We have sex maybe 1-2 times a year.

I took an oath "in good times and in bad." But there have been few good times. I think about all the folks that have it worse than me, but honestly I think having your spouse die would be easier because at least you'd be able to move on with your life eventually. I however am stuck in the middle with a wife I no longer feel love for only a sense of duty. I think about all the impoverished, but then I think how even they are stronger than my wife and are able to have several children even despite their hard lives. My wife doesn't seem to have a tough bone in her body, both emotionally and physically speaking.

We have gone thru marriage counseling, and it did help some. But her sadness towards life is starting to wear on me. I don't want to be a sad person. I want to be happy and I feel I have alot to be happy for. What should I do? Just continue my life this way and hope something changes for the better? Or leave and break my son's heart but have the possibility of finding love again in my lifetime. There is no good option for me as I see it. I can see why people become alcoholics.
Anon_475 responded:
I believe your wedding vows also said "in sickness and in health". Perhaps you should have taken your vows seriously rather than just parrot them during the ceremony.

Why would it break your son's heart if you left? Why wouldn't you take him with you? Do you think it would be worse for him to live with one parent and have a good relationship with both or to live with both and see them both miserable all the time?

There are solutions but you need to stop wallowing in self-pity if you want to find one.
georgiagail replied to Anon_475's response:
Before you skip off to a new life of happiness, you would need to consider that if your wife is bedbound, you would need to accept the primary responsibility of caring for and raising your son.

gd9900 responded:
Ricky123 - chronic depression is a serious medical condition. Depression and/or stress can cause physical ailment after ailment as you've described. If you still care about her, read up on depression (the webmd main site has excellent articles and resources). It may help if you -first- understand what she is suffering with and -second- figuring out what you can do to help her. My first suggestion would be to find a healthcare professional who specializes in the care and treatment of depression. If you are no longer invested in your marriage and find leaving her is what's best for you please find it in your heart to at least help her with that step. There are effective treatments out there - understand it takes time for the effects to take hold and treatment may be life-long. There are no miracle pills or therapies. She will need lots of understanding and support. If you choose to stick with her a little longer, it would be unhealthy and unrealistic for you to be her only support...she will need a network of supportive people. A good medical professional will explain and help you with this. Was her post-pardum ever addressed or treated for by medical personnel?
Rock_Knutne responded:

Is My Wife A DUD?

If I was your father little man, I'd be holding you by the ear and kicking your *ss from one end of the house to the other.

Grow a pair and stop whining about your sad little life.

Put your family ahead of your selfish little boy wants and BE A MAN!

Make sure your wife gets everything she needs medically and support wise from you, her family and yours. (If they're available)

Take care of your child and show him by example what a real man does when he's faced with a crisis.


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