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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
Marriage In Crisis
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nicolee77 posted:
Ok here is the short version husband and I have been married less than a year closing on a new home in May and we are expecting our first child together in September! Well we've had arguments in the past which resulted because of his lack of contributing to our household and growing family. So majority of the relationship I have been the sole provider for both of us and with a new baby on the way I just got so aggravated with his lack of motivation for our marriage and future child so I asked him to leave this past weekend! We have not spoken since and Im at a crossroads because I love my husband although I dont think this tough love dynamic is going to help our marriage recover! Please advise on what my next move should be?
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queston responded:
Could you please be more specific?

What do you mean by "lack of contributing to our household and growing family?" Do you mean that he doesn't have a job?


Did he have a job when you got married? If so, what has changed?
 
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darlyn05 responded:
You also mentioned 'his lack of motivation for our marriage and future child', what type of lack of motivation are you referring to, monies/financial, or eagerness of closing on the new home, helping more in preparation for the move to the new home?

And 'I asked him to leave this past weekend!', how, in what context, frame of mind or mannerisms/thinking did you ask him to leave? Was it more towards sh_t or get off the pot sort of reasoning, like your either in or out (is that what you meant by 'tough love dynamic?)? Or did you blatantly tell him it, the marriage, is over and to leave?

Is this the first child you've had? Hormonal changes wreck havoc on a woman and the trickle down effect on the man.
 
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nicolee77 replied to queston's response:
No he was not working at the time although became employed 1 month later after we married. He recently got fired and decided to engage in Thc abuse to numb the issues that has surfaced including new expenses being incurred mainly medical bills which everyone incurs when having a new baby. In other words everything is falling on my shoulders and Im not married to myself its just selfishness in my book to the highest level.
 
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nicolee77 replied to darlyn05's response:
I never said the marriage was over although I did ask him to leave more sh-t or get off the pot! I am not in the marriage alone and should not have to carry all of the responsibilities alone. An yes this will be my first child and I understand hormonal changes although a husband should not use that as an excuse to neglect his role as a provider.
 
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queston replied to nicolee77's response:
OK--you seem a little defensive. No one here is attacking you. We're just asking questions in order to better understand the situation you are in.

Have you considered backing out of the house purchase? It's a very unfortunate convergence of events: him getting fired, the house purchase, and the baby coming soon.

You're going through a bunch of huge things at once. Getting fired is a really big deal, emotionally and financially. Obviously, he's not dealing with it well. And having a baby is obviously a really big deal, too.

How were things before he got fired? You said you've had arguments in the past--were those the kind of garden variety arguments everyone has, or serious marital problems?

I might suggest working toward clearly-defined outcomes, rather than vaguely-defined ones like "motivation for our marriage and future child". I assume that what you really want from him in the short term is for him to stop getting high and get a job. How about telling him that those two things are the prerequisite for your marriage continuing?
 
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nicolee77 replied to queston's response:
Not being defensive was just trying to explain in the simplest terms I know how! Yes they were garden variety arguments although alot of things are going on including the house purchase which I can afford on my own so thats not a major factor. Although being 5months pregnant and trying to prepare for the baby on top of trying to meet my husbands needs of support when mine are not being met was a overwhelming experience. I just feel alone in the marriage because he expects when things go south on his end everythings should fall all on me!
 
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queston replied to nicolee77's response:
Ack! I just typed a very long response and it was eaten...

I think you probably both feel like the other is more-or-less ignoring the most important thing that's happening right now: for him, it's his firing and the ensuing meltdown, for you, it;s the pregnancy and the fact that you will soon be parents. We all tend to prioritize the thing that is happening *to us* over the thing that is happening to someone else.

Spouses talk past each other on stuff like this all the time, but you happen to have three very high-stakes issues going on at once. Usually it's about stuff like who will do the laundry.

Just FYI, getting fired tends to be viewed differently by men and women. Men are far more likely to see their worth as a human being bound up primarily in their job, their image as a person that is successful at what they do, and their ability to provide for a family. It's not at all unusual for some sort of emotional meltdown to follow losing one's job, especially for a man.

You (understandably) may just have too much on your plate right now to make empathizing with him much of a priority.

Is there any outside party, like a clergy person or counselor, that could maybe help you both see things from the other person's perspective?
 
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WillSmith11 replied to queston's response:
I have the same problem ............

Can anybody help me out?????
I think I should get a kind a counseling form therapists..


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