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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
So, to make a very long story short, my husband and I had a lot of relationship issues the first couple years of marriage but have diligently worked on them (got a lot of help from this discussion board) and are so much better now.
However, there is an issue with the whole sex thing. He has a p*rn addiction he's trying to kick, and has an accountability partner that helps keep him on track. He says he still has days where he "fails" and everything, but I honestly don't talk about it much anymore unless he wants to. We talked about it a lot before, because it was such a big issue, but since he's been improving himself I don't feel it's my place to keep asking about it. He talks a little about it to me when he wants to.
So the issue is, while when we do have sex it's always fun and very good (which we both agree on) we rarely rarely actually have sex. We have discussed it many times, and usually the reason is that he's already gotten what he needs from the p*rn. He says he finds me sexually attractive, and he probably does at least a little, but let's be honest folks I don't look like a p*rnstar. Can't compete with that. I really like trying new, exciting things, or I am good with just a quickie if he's tired, I mean I am just so open all I want is to have more sex cuz I am sooooo sexually frustrated right now I feel like I'm gonna explode.
I'm one of those females who has an extremely visual brain and sex is pretty much on my mind 24/7. I try not to think about it, I really do, but it's hard (no pun intended). So by the time I get home after a long workday or working out or something, all my hormones are like WE'RE GOOD TO GO LET'S GET THIS ON. But when I get home he is there, sitting on the couch playing video games or watching sports, and is in ugly old underwear and never trims or waxes like anything anymoreand eats gross snacks and has like food all over his face. And he is an electrician so when he comes home he doesn't shower right away so there's dirt all over him AND the carpet I just vacuumed AND the walls I just cleaned. There are chip and cookie fragments like EVERYWHERE. He also has no etiquette whatsoever and burps and farts all the time and laughs about it like he's 7. I try not to be bothered by that, guys, I really do, but it's just constant and so gross. At this point, my sex drive takes a nose-dive and my body is like EWW NO WAY. And when I try to come on to him he usually kisses me for like a minute and pushes me aside so he can continue playing video games or watching sports. I've tried lingerie, dirty talk, everything. I've even just asked him point-blank if he'd like to have sex and he's all like "Honey I'm watching hockey right now and it's the 4th quarter it's very exciting." Yuck. I hate sports.
Lately, like the past month or so, we've had sex maybe once. I am stuck between wanting to initiate and being totally grossed out. Plus I still have those angry inner feelings about how p*rn keeps replacing me. I like start to come onto him and he like burps or farts or something and then I'm like "Ok nevermind".
I mean I've talked to him about how gross I find all that and especially when I'm trying to make out with him it's really not funny. Not that I don't want him to be himself or be pretentious for me, can it please just not happen all the time. But I've like given up and I'm so sexually frustrated I have chewed through like an entire pack of #2 pencils and punched my pillow in the face like a thousand times.
WHAT DO I DO? (Any guys with suggestions would be very helpful too...)
I'm glad you guys are working some stuff out, but this seems like a pretty good deal to me.
No, we shouldn't have to be pretentious with our spouses, but we should be willing to keep our appearance and behavior up for them at least to a minimal degree, which he seems unwilling to do.
On the manscaping issue, I think that people (male or female) who shave/wax/trim/whatever their pubic hair often do so on the hope that they'll get more oral that way. If He doesn't care much about that, you may be swimming against the tide on that one.
I think you really have two choices. You can either let all of this go, or you can tell them that these are really important issues for you, and you need him to make some changes. The other option is not really an option--to continue stewing about it and letting it tear you up inside.
I have some similar issues with my wife. For example, she'll work out and not shower or even change her drawers afterward. If we're having sex later, that kindof grosses me out slightly. (Or, more accurately, I just wish she were willing to lift a finger to make the experience better for me.) But, honestly, I've just pretty-much let that go. I'd rather have sex "her way" than not at all--these are things I can let go.
BTW, hockey games have three periods, not four quarters
Haha WOW I can't believe I said hockey games had quarters...this just reiterates how I know nothing about sports, although I have tried so very hard to learn. lol.
Thanks for the tip on the manscaping issue. Perhaps he doesn't care as much about oral. I mean he's always said he likes it but maybe it doesn't matter as much. Helps to have some insight on that one.
If he were definitely willing to have sex even when he is dirty and unshowered I might consider makin a move but since I have like a very low chance of it happening anyway, I think it's harder to jump the "gross-out" barrier.... I've tried to talk to him about how his bad manners are grossing me out when I'm trying to be sexy and intimate with him but I don't think he really cares...? He thinks it's funny.
If you think it's a good idea to keep talking to him about it then I will do so.
Just out of curiosity, given your brain is always thinking about sex or atleast it was when you posted this issue. Have you ever thought of bringing porn into the bedroom? Suggesting, watching it together to help spice things up a bit? I know it may seem a bit backwards thinking, given he is an addict. But if you two can work something out that enables you to enjoy each other sexualy, it could be worth a shot. An addiction to porn ended my marriage and when the relationship was over the addiction just grew stronger and stronger, like most addictions do.
Your anger and his lack of action will turn into resentment if the two of you can't find commonplace soon. Counseling may help. I have no idea what the role of an accountability partner is but I suspect there isn't much by way of addressing the actual problem.
Would he be interested in watching you masterbate? Not as a resolution, but I knew a guy once who thought what he called "live porn" to be exciting. Just a thought...maybe its the watching that excites him.
Thing that concerns me is he doesn't seem interested in your needs or pleasing you. If he remains selfish after responding to you in some way, think hard on it. Talk with him about where things are leading currently (i.e. a dealbreaker)...its there in black and white - what you've expressed.
"Your anger and his lack of action will turn into resentment if the two of you can't find commonplace soon."
This is exactly what I meant in my original reply, MCK. You have two choices--either learn to accept it or do something about it. Seething is not a good option.
This is one of those things that sucks for the higher libido partner: we're often faced with the choice of accepting the crumbs that are being offered or risking being shut off even more if we demand something more from our partners, sexually speaking.
The higher-libido partner is virtually always available for sex at the lower-libido partners whim. It's very easy to be taken for granted. I know that the once or twice a year I decline, it seems to really throw my wife for a loop, and, being a bit of a control freak, it seems to make her more determined to make sure it doesn't happen again.
But that's kindof a risky play, if your partner doesn't care (or is maybe even relieved) that you say no.
This is a relationship issue. Any man who turns down good sex with a real woman has issues. There is underlying hostility toward you. By his behavior, he clearly isn't interested in pleasing you sexually or non sexually.
The adult thing to do is to talk to him. You can each discuss the expectations you have for each other. This might be a lost cause.
The other suggestion I have, which might backfire, is to be very sexually aggressive and push the issue. If he's watching TV including shows that you don't like. Sit next to him for a while and then start fondling him. If he asks what is going on, you say that you thought he might enjoy it and go ahead and keep watching your game or show. This might get his attention on multiple levels. Maybe he reciprocates in kind. You might not have his undivided attention, but you would have his attention.
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