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Dating a dirvorced man and now the ex wife wants him back.
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An_252162 posted:
I am not even sure this is the correct forum...but I am looking for some outside information or feedback.
I have been dating a man for 4 months. He has been divorced for 4 years. He was married for about 10 years. During that time his wife did not have sex with him for at least 8 or 9 of those years. They were both raising her little grandchildren. He has been their "grandfather" since they were 5 and 6. He is now getting ready to put the oldest through college. He has confided in me that he feels he wasted the best years of his life in that marriage. He does not understand how he could have stayed in that situation for so many years..considering there was no physical intimacy between them. She had no interest in counselling or working on the marriage.
Now..after being divorced for 4 years....he is still very much involved with the children. As I said he is putting the oldest in college now. He has communication and contact with his ex due to him being very involved with the family still.
Out of nowhere....the ex asked him if he was seeing someone. He said yes..he was dating someone. Around that time the oldest girl was graduating high school..getting ready to go to college out of state...where he lives....he told his ex that he would be coming around less often...he was planning on spending his holidays elswere...etc etc...due to the kids getting older and soon to be leaving the house. Now...after all of this...she has said she will do anything to make things right with him. My impression is that because now she sees someone else has him and likes him...he is now more desireable to her. Also..she is a middle aged woman...who will soon be alone with the girls getting ready to leave home.....he has always been present...even though it was just for the kids...and now she fears being alone.
He has said himself that he was abused and mistreated for many years within the marriage. No sex, no intimacy....she basically lived her own life and told him to do the same. Yet he never once had sex with someone else during that time. Prior to meeting me...he said that he had gone 10 years without having sex with a woman..because he was not the type of guy to sleep with someone else while he was married.
So he and I met. We have been dating for 4 months. We have a great time together. Things are very easy between us. And he says that he cannot believe he went so long in his life puting up with the things he put up with in his marriage.
Yet...now that the ex wife has said she wants him back basically...he is conflicted. She literally told him she wanted to make things right. Made an appointment with a counselor the next day....and he is asking for some time to just figure this whole thing out.
I am a bit suprised that he would be conflicted considering how bad his marriage was and how he was lacking so many things that he now says he would never every put up with. Yet I guess there is a history there. But my thoughts are...a leopard cannot change its spots. How can you go from not having any intimacy..or joy..or affection for 14 years..to all of a sudden..I want you back???
I do not want to stand in the way of anything. But I do not want to be strung along either. In spite of the negatives of his marriage I understand (I think) that this would blindside someone and they would feel the need to asess the situation. But..am I being a fool? He and I have a wonderful thing going between us. Even though it is only 4 months old. I guess I tend to think....whatever is going on between the ex and him could never work considering what has passed between them. Any feedback???
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fcl responded:
I think that the best thing he could do is what he has already done - made an appointment for counselling because he's going to need it given the curveball he's just been served. There isn't really very much youi can do about this. No, he wasn't happy in his marriage but sometimes you need closure and he doesn't appear to have had closure with the amount of time he seems to have continued to spend with his ex.

I think you have to let him reach his own conclusions. If he decides to go back to his ex then it's his loss. However, a good therapist will be able to make him see what he would be going back to...

Could I suggest that you also post this over on the relationship board? You'll find it at this address:

http://exchanges.webmd.com/relationships-and-coping-community

There is a qualified therapist over there who might be able to help you.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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darlyn05 responded:
23 hours ago Reply: Dating a dirvorced man and now the ex wife wants h... I think that the best thing he could do is what he has already done - made an appointment for counselling because... There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.Posted by FCL I think that the best thing he could do is what he has already done - made an appointment for counselling because he's going to need it given the curveball he's just been served. There isn't really very much youi can do about this. No, he wasn't happy in his marriage but sometimes you need closure and he doesn't appear to have had closure with the amount of time he seems to have continued to spend with his ex.

I think you have to let him reach his own conclusions. If he decides to go back to his ex then it's his loss. However, a good therapist will be able to make him see what he would be going back to...

Could I suggest that you also post this over on the relationship board? You'll find it at this address:

http://exchanges.webmd.com/relationships-and-coping-community

There is a qualified therapist over there who might be able to help you.View Thread There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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darlyn05 replied to darlyn05's response:
I thought it was odd that FCL's reply was showing on the main page then when I opened this discussion it was not there, so I copied and pasted it under my user name with the intent of a similar explaination. Then when I clicked the 'View Your Response' link FCL's original reply showed up, plus the copy I pasted. Weird!
 
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darlyn05 responded:
Either way, I'm confused as to who actually made the appt with a counselor. Was it him or her? And when you are talking about the 'grandchildren', do you mean her children from a previous relationship/marriage? As for a women being middle age with grandchildren ending high school and entering college sounds 'age inappropriate'!?! What's considered middle age? Is he somewhat older than his ex?
 
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sluggo45692 responded:
If you are having sex with him, STOP. You have 4 months with him and she has 10 plus years. Until he finishes with the therapist or his ex, don't invest. From what you describe in your posting, after 4 years he still has doubts about the divorce. Keep it friendly, firm, and supportive. Don't invest until he's clear about his situation. These weren't his grandchildren, but he has come to love them as his. This describes a good man/dad. I get that, but he's still wishy washy about his ex. He has to find out or he can't move on. Again, Don't invest until you can get a good return, not a broken heart. Good luck
 
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ChiRunnerGirl replied to darlyn05's response:
She made the appt. with the counselor. They have been divorced for 4 years. Yes he has stayed entwined in that environment probably for far too long, as he says himself. After meeting me he had decided he would disengage. When he stated his intentions was she asked if he was seeing someone. He said yes. The next day she professed she would do anything to get him back. She made the appt. for a counselor. He agreed to go. He said he was conflicted although he never imagined this situation would arise.
The grandchildren are her biological grandchildren that she and he took in when they were 5 and 6 years old. He is 58 , she may be 50...nothing age inappropriate. They basically raised her biological grandchildren since her daughter was not taking care of her own children. So they are his family. He raised these two girls.
I agree, and so does he..that this is a dysfunctional set up. He did a good thing by being a good grandfather to these girls and raising them in all aspects..even though his wife at the time basically wanted nothing to do with him in a traditional marriage arrangement. He stayed married to her for many years even though as he says..they lived together but independently. No intimacy in any way...although for a number of years he wanted to work on the marriage, counseling etc...she was not interested. They divorced. He moved out of state..yet stayed a very involved parent to the girls. He never once let the negativity between him and his ex get in the way of doing what is best for the girls.
Now that she is aware he met someone....she wants him back. He has decided that he has to try to see what will happen. I guess there is not closure there. He expresses doubts that she can change....even though she says she will spend the rest of her life trying to make things right. He says he does not even know if he likes her as a person...let alone if he can feel any romantic, intimate feelings for her...since that was totally absent for at least 10 years while they were married...and of course..for the 4 years following the divorce.
I understand I have to let him take this journey. It may work for him. It may not. Please understand that when I met him he was divorced. He was looking to move forward but prior to meeting me I guess he never met someone that made him realize he had to really make a break. But now that this has come up....he has to see it through. He says he may be messing up a great thing that he has with me...but this is something he has to do..he has never lied to me. He is open about what he sees now as possible mistakes he made in the past. He def. has feelings for me. We have really developed a nice relationship. I am not some woman who got involved with a married man. Yet..there is def. history between them. Even though in his words..that past 10 plus years have all been bad.
 
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ChiRunnerGirl replied to darlyn05's response:
Thank you..I will.


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