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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
My husband and I have been married for twelve years and have two children together. I found out a few days ago that he has a one year child with another woman. Since Ive found out, Ive asked him to leave our home, and find another place to live. I have decided that it is best for us to separate, but at times I find myself feeling guilty, as if I have done something wrong. At other times, I get very angry inside. Will I ever be able to forgive him? Will I always feel this hot and cold all the time?
He was wrong. I agree you need space and time. You need to work out your emotions to see clearly and make your decision. 12 years and 2 children, I can't tell you how bad I feel for you. My ex-wife found another man after 17 years. We have a son and her daughter (I had her from 1.5 yr old) she threw away. I can't tell you what to do, because we had a lot of problems before this. What I can tell you is be clear and decisive on your decision. You'll question yourself and be mad at him, but always remember the 2 children. No matter what he's still their father and don't let them stop loving you and him as their parents. Only you can forgive him or Kick him to the curb. You make sure you get everything you can for the kids. To let you know about me. My daughter won't talk to her mother and my son doesn't like going to her trailer in the middle of a car junk yard.
The double whammy you're probably feeling is the affair aspect as well. Not just the other child. (Unless of course the two of you were seperated at that time and agreed for each other to see other people)
To answer your q's, yes, some couples can forgive and move on past these things and have a loving relationship together, while others can not. Everyone is different, as with their situations or circumstances. As time goes on/by the emotional roller coaster your feeling will change.
I have a few questions that may help us in our replies; Was he aware of this and kept it secret from you? Were the two of you seperated at that time(if so, under what type of agreement if any?)? How did you come to find this out? How did you approach him with this? And what type of reaction did he have? Were your other two children around at the time you approached him? And how old are your other two children? Are your other two children aware of this also now? Have you considered counseling(either together or atleast for yourself to help you sort through this)?
Here are a few links to another discussion concerning an affair that may help you. I hope I have them in chronological order;
Well to answer your questions, we were not separated. He was aware, as along with everyone on his side (mutual friends and family). The child is now a year old, so he has known for at least a year and nine months. I had gotten suspicious that he was seeing someone and basically found the girl on facebook. I had no idea about the whole child part, I simply thought he was cheating. When I confronted him about everything, he started to deny it, then confessed everything to me. He admitted that he made a horrible mistake, and took total blame for everything, as he should. We did sit down and talk with both kids (they are 12 and 10) and made them aware of the whole situation. I told them I still love their dad, and he will always be apart of their lives, but mommy and daddy need some time apart for now. I still feel very hurt towards the people who knew also. I know it was not their place to tell me, but I feel like I have been walking around like a fool for the past year. I've asked him to tell everyone not to contact me for now, until I can calm down, and heal.
I am so sorry for what you are going thru. I am 6 months into a similar situation, and still literally reeling. My children are much older than yours, so you have that added heartache, but even though they are adults, every decision I have made centers around them and my granddaughter. If you keep them at the top of the priority list, it will save your sanity. As a parent, it is our job to keep the issues between us as much as possible, and leave them to love both of us the best they can. It is so hard, but they will be better people because of the effort you put into this. I have tried so hard to take the high road in every aspect, and I can see I am making the right decision as time goes by. The added nightmare of the other child is just so awful for you. I too have been sucked into the guilty feelings, but fight against it, because he alone made the decision to create this terrible situation, and needs to man up and try to repair what can be repaired. I am very much in the angry mode, and fight daily against the bitterness that wants to consume me. Each day brings a little step forward, but be prepared to fall backward too. You will absolutely go thru all the stages that people are talking to you about, even though it sounds crazy. I will pray for you, and try to check in on you. Put yourself and your kids first right now. And take alot of walks by yourself if you can. It does help
Thanks so much for your support. I joined this group to hear from people in the same boat, or at least that have an outside opinion to my situation. Today has been one week since I found out and everyday has been a struggle. But on a positive note, everyday it's getting easier (I think). A lot of people have been telling me I should forgive him, but I don't think that's possible now. But for the meantime I'm just gonna focus on my kids and myself. Again thanks, and I wish you all the best too.
If you read through the other replies from the discussion links I listed, you may gain a bit more insight or thoughts / suggestions of what to possibly expect. I'm glad nph106 was able to respond, and give abit of an update.
Having the/an affair is bad enough as it is, does he know for certain(or do you) that the child is his(has there been a paternity test?)? Certainly, hopefully, this ended long ago and in one sense a 'one night stand' sort of thing.
I can imagine the betrayal you must be feeling knowing that other friends and family knew of this and did not come forward with even the slightest of hint for you. It's as though they were having the affair as well. For me, on one hand the lack of respect, value and dishonesty this showed of my relationship with them would certainly be enough to hold off any contact from or with them for the time being until I could get my head somewhat wrapped around the situation. On the other hand, maybe it was respect and value of my relationship with them that they choose not to rock the boat/marriage. I think they would have atleast encouraged him to come forward about the situation. It's anyones guess, and that guess should probably be left alone for now. Getting through the initial phases or stages of such an event can and will be trying enough as it is.
I'm not a counselor or psychologist, at ages 10 & 12, it seems fair that with limited information they know of the/this seperation so they don't turn it inward on themselves. I think it may also be good in teaching them that regardless of societal acceptance or occurrence frequency(moral breakdown?) of any persons behavior, has consequences, whether long or short term. Like with stealing, speeding, bullying, lying(not the b-day present kind), the age appropriate examples. Lead by example or be a good role model they always say.
This doesn't necessarily mean that your marriage has to end. Have you considered counseling, atleast for yourself (and your children in an indirect sense) to help you sort through all of this and what lays ahead?
I'm very sorry you are going through this. You seem to be handling things well so far.
This really got to me though: "A lot of people have been telling me I should forgive him". How dare they? Do they happen to be the same people that have known all this time? EVERYONE should be grateful you are composing yourself so maturely through this!
I don't get this mindset everyone has that you can/should work it out and you need to forgive and you shouldn't end the marriage. Like it all gets put on you, and suddenly you're the bad guy looking at your options when it was HIM, it was HIS decision to leave your marriage. It was his decision to hurt your marriage and your children. You should not carry guilt about all this. I do understand, it just pisses me off.
Your marriage is no longer what it was and never will be. If you choose to move forward with him it will be to start a new life over again... and with another child. It's not the child's fault how he/she was brought into this world.
I'm personally one of those people that believe everyone that held their tongue is guilty to some extent. I'm pretty cold about this type of thing especially with how far it all went.
How has he been this past week with you? Is he sorry? Open? Angry? Or are you keeping your distance for now?
Ugh. You are a better woman than I. Good luck with everything. Feel free to vent here anytime!
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
Thanks so much for your input. Out of our 12 years of marriage, there was some physical abuse in the past, but I did get better. The past 6 years have been really good with no abuse at all. We are both very different people, and I think the moment he slept with this woman, our marriage ended. This past year and a half was very hard, because he got very ill, and I had to take care of him, along with our kids, and working full time. And now to think back, all this time he was lying to me. (Along with everyone else) I do not plan on "working" out our marraige because I have been a very good wife to him, and honestly, I dont have anything to work on. I don't want to see him, but for the kids sake I have to. I haven't spoken to anyone that knew, and I did tell him to have them not contact me until I am ready to deal with them. He is very sorry, he took total blame for what he did. I haven't spoken with him, but he does come in the morning to pick up my daughter for school. Most of his communication is through her. I will never say anything bad to her about him, although I've been very tempted these past few days. But no matter what happened, he is their father and I cant change that. I find myself feeling so angry inside, which is messing up my body. I cant eat, cant sleep. I am not an angry person, and I guess with all this going on its making me bizerk. I keep asking myself, can you get through this? Are you strong enough? Im 31 years old, and have only been with this one man my whole life, we basically grew up together. I guess only time will tell.
Im not sure on the paternity, but I have it on my list of questions to ask him when we meet. When he ended up confessing everything, he did say that no one wanted to tell me about the affair/child because they all loved me too much and couldn't bare to hurt me. The first part of our marriage was abusive. Which it did get better and stopped about 6 years in. After putting up with that, now this, Im done. I cannot physically or mentally deal with him anymore. I know he will always be in my life because of the children, but only for that reason. If anyone knew of some good books to read that would be great. Everyone keeps saying it will get easier, but its so hard.
I'm glad your controlling youself in front of your children. You need to call him and tell him to stop using your children as go betweens. He screwed up and needs to take the blunt of your anger. Keep the kids informed and the anger away from them. Let them know mom is P.O.'ed at dad and he may not come home again. If they are old enough to understand, let them know what's going on. Don't hide it from them. You were saying there was physical abuse in the past, and now it mental abuse. Abuse is Abuse. Don't tolerate it. Make sure you always are on netural ground when you talk to him and with a witness close by. It protects both of you. Even if you decide to forgive him, let him know you are going to and can stand on your own two feet and will not tolerate any B.S. If you don't forgive him and do divorce, it looks better on you to be the better person. As for the can't sleep/eat/think, it will get better. Talk to someone. A pastor, good friend, or a family member. Let the poison out. It will eat you alive. Good Luck
Totally agree with everything! Kids both know about what's going on and they are both being very good to me. Luckily I have some great friends who live very close to that I can run and cry to or just vent when things get tough.
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