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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
nph106-reader has a question
darlyn05 posted:
A reader with a similar situation has a question for you that she listed under the/your following discussion, And how have you been?;

mnmgrl28, nph106 may not currently be reading the exchanges/ communities, so if you or we do not hear from her please don't be offended. To answer your question although, yes it does become easier as time passes depending on how the situation is handled, decisions made, the individuals themselves, support system, and more. It's a grieving process sort of thing that involves the living. I will/would caution you not to make any life changing decisions at this point as your emotions are high and fluctuating. I am very sorry that you are experiencing this, noone should have to. I'll wait awhile before replying on your discussion so this one will stay at/near the top of the page.
nph106 responded:
I am sorry I have not been on here for a couple of months, so did not see a question from anyone. I will try to get to the above mentioned reader. I am going thru a rough time right now, so I don't know if I will be very helpful. We are still together, but it is not good for either one of us. I seem to have truely lost the mechanism to trust, not only my husband, but anyone. It is a very difficult, lonely spot to be in, but I am trying to reroute my thinking to taking leaps of faith with people. On top of our mess, I am going thru a very demanding transition to a new computer system at work, and of course it has been anything but smooth. I don't seem to be much good anywhere in my life right now. We did not go to couples counseling more than a couple of months. It seemed like it was helping, but as we got busy in farming, he just started pulling away. We each went to a single session with our counselor, and my husband literally said that he felt he was done, but I needed more help so should just keep going by myself. Enough said. I don't see a successful outcome, but I am just gliding along right now, until I am ready to make a change. Just need to get one son thru the bar exam in July, and the other son thru his 1st anniversary in October, then I should be in a better place to let them know what is going on. I still feel it is best that they not deal with our junk at this time. I really want to stay together and grow a new life, but with my blinders off, I am realizing that my husband is an emotionally stunted person, and doesn't seem to get it or want to change. I am finding that I just don't want to settle anymore. We'll see.

Sorry for the rambling. Coming on here somewhat opens the wounds, especially today, as it the OW's birthday. I am sure he is just itching to make contact, even though he denies it. Thanks again for the contact. I will try to pay it forward with the reader.
darlyn05 replied to nph106's response:
No apology needed, we all have lives outside of WebMd. I don't read the exchange daily let alone use the computer daily. I thought with a shout out using your user name, if you were reading, you may see it. I learn lots just reading other peoples discussions/posts.

I think you also hit a double whammy from two types of relationships that require trust in the foundation. I'm not surprised with the difficulty in trusting others. Let alone what we, you, can trust with people, or entity for that matter. Like a double edge sword, if we're toooooo trusting we get cut.

Have you ever noticed how some people aren't 'multi-task' oriented? I wonder if that's why your husband pulled away when the farming became more intense. I've also noticed that a person who has committed an offense would like to forget about it and put it behind them as quickly as possible, some learning from it-others not. Some people are 'talkers' and others are not. And always pay attention to their actions, especially if they're 'not' talkers.

Not trying to lessen your pain or his offense, maybe to him the affair was more superfiscial than originally thought. Meaning there was no connection in it. And I do believe there is a difference in the way men and women think and process things in life. For instance, I do believe that women are or can be more emotionally in depth, and linked to being raised as more nuturing compared to men as in providing(er). I do wonder what and how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. And how long or what would he do to remedy the fallout. I'll also add that beings you were on the receiving end of this, you may require or need a bit more help from the counselor.

What is it specifically you want him to get and or change? What is it that you do not wish to settle for anymore? Are you wanting a whole new way of life(as you mentioned grow a new life)?

I agree, put more of your effort towards the new computer system and your sons right now. Try not to overthink or over proportionalize things.

Sorry for rambling myself. Hope to hear from you again.
darlyn05 replied to darlyn05's response:
PS I can understand your feelings concerning yesterday. And maybe it really did have no meaning for him.
fcl replied to nph106's response:
Thank you for coming back and telling us about your situation. I have been wondering about you. I am incredibly sorry that things are going the way they are. I thought you were making so much progress ... unfortunately, it takes two to really build a new relationship together. I wonder if your husband stopped going to therapy because he started to see himself in his true colors (as you are now doing) and didn't like what he saw...?

I understand why you are still there and I think I can understand how you feel too. It must be like a sort of temporary reprieve ... You know it's going to end but not quite yet. It's very reassuring that you are clear about what you want and what you will not accept and it's really great to be able to focus on other members of your family.

Please keep us updated and remember that we're here for you...
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.

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