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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
Children and relationship.
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An_252404 posted:
I will try not to be long winded, but I need advice? About 9 years ago I got divorced and had two kids a girl who was 12 at the time and a son 10 years old. The divorce was not the smoothest in the world and probably did some harm to the children. Neither my ex-wife nor I ever used drugs and we lived in a very good up-scale neighborhood. After the divorce we move to two very good condominiums in the same complex with joint custody. Now fast forward to present day in June 2013: I have been living about 1,200 miles away from my children who still live near their mom. For the past 4 years I live with my Girlfriend and my kids have been down to visit several times. My son lived with use for two summers then went back to mom for school; my daughter lived with us for about 3 months about two years ago. A year ago my daughter had a child with a real loser for a husband that is now sitting in jail for the next two years. My son is 20 and had been living on his own for nearly two years. He dropped out of High School because he had problems with his mom. Both my kids are basket cases, but I divorce my wife not my kids. I still love them and care about them.
Not this is the situation, the end of summer 2010, my son go angry with my girlfriend and had some nasty choice words. My girlfriend is divorced, but never had any children. I don't blame her for being angry, but my son has special needs. His is floundering where he is 1,200 miles away and I can't get a job transfer back to where he is now nor can I find a new job there and give up 23 years where I work now. He is smart, but seems to be borderline autistic. I really need to have him move close to me, but my girlfriend is vehemently opposed to the idea. I do not plan to move him into the home she and I share; I plan to get him an apartment close by. He has asked many times to be closer to his dad and that he does not want to be supported by me forever, but he needs my help to show him how to take care of himself. His mom near him does little to nothing to help him so I am his only real hope. I love my girlfriend very much and I don't want to lose her, but I also have to help my child any way I can. Over the past two months when I try to discuss him moving down she gets angry and we start to argue. We never argue about very many things and we have an excellent relationship with the exception of my kids. I try to put myself in her shoes as if she had a daughter that needed help and that she blasted me 2 years ago. I don't hold grudges, I don't think I would want her living in our home, but if my girlfriend has her daughter in an apartment I would be OK with it. The only thing I can imagine is that perhaps my son would take time away from my girlfriend.
Could she be jealous?
Should I just turn my back on my 20 year old son to sink or swim on his own?
I don't thing I can in good conscience turn my back on my kids,
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stevesmw responded:
I have a 40 year old step son who I've know since he was 4.
He lost his job, house, marriage and due to a bad back he is unable to work. He has had multiple back surgeries through Medicaid. He has been living with is for over 5 years.
Him not being with us is non negotiable. He isn't a financial burden and is self sufficient. I am 68 and would consider retiring and selling my house if he wasn't with us, but this is not an option.

We have another son who is 31. He had a rough time growing up due to behavioral problems. He did get a BA. He has supported himself for 7 or 8 years playing poker and is not interested in getting a regular job. I have loaned him money which he has always paid back. My wife is vehemently against him moving back in with us, but if it came down to it she would let him move in.
 
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sluggo45692 responded:
I'm sorry about your family. When I moved in with my gf, it was stated never get between the child and the parent. She has a son at home & I have a son at home. We both have daughters living on their own. I would help my son & daughter any way I could and the same for her children, but always to a point. If you think you can help your son, but not have him live with you, Great. I would ensure boundries were set and understood with both gf and son. My daughter stole, lied and just used me & my gf when we helped her. She now lives with the results and is missed, but is not accepted in our lives until she proves herself. Her daughter has lied to us and used us, but she has proved herself a little more and I will help with some things. I would have a serious talk with gf and have son set guidelines set up when he came to your area. Communication and compromise are wonderful tools. Good Luck
 
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Carbonbiker6 replied to sluggo45692's response:
Thank you for your reply. I still have to sit down and have a discussion with my GF. I am hoping to move my son down by September so I have time to talk and set guidelines.
 
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sluggo45692 replied to Carbonbiker6's response:
Don't think you have to long. Time will sneak up and run out. Start as soon as possible. This won't be easy and a lot of talking will be involved with both gf and son. Remember, once you do get both parties to agree, you still have to get things set up for your son. Plus a lot of constant smoothing over with gf. There's always something going to go wrong and has to be fixed. I always have that problem. Good Luck


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