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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
What to do about him?
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Reliable1 posted:
I have been married to my husband for 17 years. He has recently become very depressed and rants about hating his life, his job -- everything. Life just sucks for him. Our oldest daughter has had to move back into our house with her son due to a failed relationship and just the year prior she had to fight for her life due to cancer. He is very angry that she is here and blames her for our problems. If we go out and he starts drinking, he starts lusting and flirting with other women inf front of me. I recently confronted him about a woman that he had friended on facebook and instead of telling me how he knew her, he got defensive and angry and said he hadn't meant to friend her, that she asked him and he didn't know her. He comes home as late as he can from work now so as not to have to spend time with me or our daughter. I have tried to talk to him about this, but he just gets angry and tells me that I don't trust him and his life just sucks. I have tried to get him to go to counseling, but he refuses to go. I have tried a number of things to try and help him out, but nothing seems to work. Am I just fighting a losing battle? Should I just give up and end our marriage and move on? I just don't know what to do.
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darlyn05 responded:
Has or is he taking medication for depression? What are his hobbies, likes and dislikes? How old is he? Sorry for the questions.
 
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Reliable1 replied to darlyn05's response:
He just recently started taking medication for depression. He is 45 years old and he likes riding motorcycles and competes most of the year. He also has a seizure disorder and has had trouble keeping that under control for the past three years.
 
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tlkittycat1968 replied to Reliable1's response:
How recently did he start taking the medication? Sometimes it can take a bit for it to work.
Happily married to DH since 2003. Two kids: Paul (5) and Kylee (3).
 
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gd9900 responded:
If you are still invested in your marriage, I think the best you can offer your husband right now is your support. Don't lose yourself in the process. From the sound of things, he might feel the world is closing in on him for whatever reasons he isn't willing or ready to discuss with you. Blaming your daughter for any problems between you isn't reality...it's an excuse. The flirting/lusting of other women is an escape - possibly a subconsciously driven way of telling you he needs some space. The best I can offer to you is make it clear you support him and his needs but in order to do so you have to know what his needs are. Be sure to clarify what you are and aren't willing to tolerate. Being new meds are in the picture, have a conversation with his doctor about what you can expect as he adjusts to the meds. Give all of this a reasonable timeframe to sort out if you so choose...let your husband know "x" amount of time is on the table and if things don't improve, figure out where you stand and move forward with or without him. Make sure you take care of YOU no matter what.
 
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sluggo45692 responded:
Congrats for you daughter for beating cancer. Here are a couple of suggestions. Check with your doctor or pharmarist about drug interactions, if he started new meds. If he won't go to counseling, you go to a support group/counceling. Your marriage is an important thing. Don't let him waste it. If you see no other options than to get out, then go. Don't be miserable and don't be his whipping post (mentally and/or physically). Stand up for yourself and those you care for. If you go out and he starts drinking, tell him to get a cab and you go home with the car. Tell him your not going to watch him be a drunken fool. You DH should be enjoying the time with his grandson, not be a bad example. He says life sucks for him, don't let it suck for you because of him. I agree with gd9000. Give him a time frame to work on fixing your marriage. If he won't even try, ask your self "what do I want to do?" Then do it. Maybe a couple of days without you caring for him might be a wake up call. Good Luck
 
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darlyn05 replied to Reliable1's response:
Here on WebMd there is a drug research tool that you can enter in the drug name and get a list of side effects, on the side effects tab, at the bottom of the description there is a blue phrase stating 'Does this drug have any side effects?', click on that and it has a much boarder list of the drugs side effects not listed in the side effects tab. Some drugs/medications do have problem behavior as a side effect.

http://www.webmd.com/drugs/index-drugs.aspx

http://www.webmd.com/drugs/drug-91491-Cymbalta Oral.aspx?drugid=91491&drugname=Cymbalta Oral&source=2

Unfortunately I've seen some men around this age become plain and simply an angry person. It also generally happens during the warmer months and some contribute it to andropause or a males mid life crisis. And the delusion that if I wasn't straddled with _______ my life would be so much more happier.

Is it possible that you can speak with his Dr about these concerns, not merely for yourself, more for him and his well being? This is not unheard of, I know of many spouses that have done so with successful results. His testosterone has been declining slowly, and maybe it has sped up in doing so.

Also, you may try creating a more serene, relaxing, and comforting environment such as soothing calming music(jazz, classical, alternative), scents for in the home(lavendar, sandlewood, pumpkin), fresh flowers, and quietness(if the GS is active at his arrival or any time set up a guideline and or schedule where there is to be quiet time/activities). It could be the shock of the added activity within the home that is effecting his mood, behavior and to him he may see it as disrupting his lifestyle of just the two of you.

Hope this helps.
 
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darlyn05 replied to darlyn05's response:
One more thing, as sluggo45692 suggested, do not let on to your husband that he is going to get a reaction from you for his bad behavior. In other words don't enable it, don't fall into the game/dance. Keep your calm, say something like "It sounds like you've had a rough day, why don't you take a shower/walk/sit outside in the fresh air, and when I'm done doing _________, I'll come join you.", or "You sound very upset about ________, why don't you _____________, and when I'm done doing __________, I'll get you a bowl of ice cream/cake/etc..... Point is, you're acknowledging his bad behavior/mood, letting him own it without it affecting you negatively nor taking responsibility for it, showing a human caring support attachment, not feeding into his mood to escalate it and taking care of yourself in the process. The or your world doesn't stop because he wants it to or to project his mood or behavior onto you.
 
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Reliable1 replied to sluggo45692's response:
Thank you sluggo45692. I appreciate your kind words and advice. It is very helpful and I'm so glad to have found a place to talk about this. I am going to take your suggestions and see what happens.
 
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sluggo45692 replied to darlyn05's response:
Thanks Darlyn05, I sometime forget the the WebMD apps. I also like the change of environment you advise. It should help them all have a good home setting. The daughter and grandson should have a good setting also. For Reliable1: Keep at it. He may fight change, but a little victory at a time is always good for the whole. Be true to yourself. Good Luck


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