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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
Puzzled and Frustrated
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bigntallguy1963 posted:
I'm a 50 year-old man who has been happily married to my wife for 22 years. We have one 18 year-old son.

My wife and I seemingly have great communication on everything except when it comes to sex. I'm getting so frustrated, because as time goes on, one-by-one, things we used to enjoy in bed become non-existent. We used to enjoy oral sex and it could be a spontaneous part of our lovemaking. Now, it's only if I ask and I hate to have to ask! Second, she used to really enjoy when I would perform oral sex on her, but for several years now, with rare exception, it's "not a good time". This was one of the few ways I could bring her to orgasm and it kind of limits my repertoire! For the last several months she also gently guides me away from even touching her down there with my hands and stimulating her manually.

I love my wife dearly and don't have any complaints about our frequency of being together. She doesn't hesitate to stimulate me manually on about a once a week basis or have intercourse about once a month. (though I do kinda wish this was more frequent). I love when she pleasures me, but a huge part of this for me is giving her pleasure...and I can't! I'm not allowed! It's at least as important to me that I be able to provide her pleasure as it is to receive it myself.

When I tell her this and about my desire to stimulate and give her pleasure and indicate I feel like I'm somehow failing her in bed, she just accuses me of having self-esteem issues. I don't think that's the primary issue and it bothers me that she is so dismissive, but how can one not take a blow to their self-esteem when the person they love the most won't let them touch her!!!???

She has said she's talked to her doctor about it, and it's more a physical issue than a psychological one (okay, hemorrhoids). The doctor has apparently offered some solutions, but my wife hasn't pursued them and just seems to hope it will get better over time. When I try to talk to her about our intimacy, it obviously irritates her and that just perpetuates our lack of communication.

I want so much to give her pleasure, but am always turned away. I like sex, but being the only one who ever seems to derive pleasure from it makes me feel selfish and frustrated. I practice good hygiene, I tell my wife how beautiful she is (she really is!), I'm a great provider and father. I just don't know what to do, and it's making me very sad for what seemingly is being lost gradually and permanently. Any advice?
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stevesmw responded:
You are a lot better of than I am and a lot of other husbands.
I gave my wife her first orgasm with oral sex, but she hasn't been interested in it after early in the pleasing stage of our relationship. My wife is highly orgasmic so it isn't a tool I need.

I'm a big hugger and kisser and sticking my face in a crotch doesn't facilitate that. I like to use my fingers and take direction. It leaves my mouth free to kiss and suck and it can all be done while in an embrace.

Regarding receiving oral sex, I enjoy it as much as any man, but prefer that my partner really enjoys giving it.

I would be a happy man spending evenings in bed watching TV and stimulating each other. As far as intercourse is concerned it's no good unless your partner is enjoying it.
 
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darlyn05 responded:
Well, the first thing that comes to mind for me is pain and discomfort due to menopause and/or perimenopause that she may be experiencing. Not to mention, as you mentioned hemorrhoids, they often worsen with age and can be intimately embarrassing. I've often heard that a surgery to correct this issues is one of the most painful surgeries to have. So it wouldn't be on my 'to do' list, if you know what I mean. If HRT's or BHRT's have been discussed with her Dr., not everyone is a good or likely candidate to use them, not to mention the side effects, other illnesses they may cause, and the cost of them.

Does any of these sound plausible?
 
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bigntallguy1963 replied to darlyn05's response:
Thanks for your reply darlyn05. I don't know if it has anything to do with menopause or perimenopause. While we are pretty good at discussing day-to-day decisions, parenting, finances, planning, etc. I'm pretty much shot down when I want to communicate with her about our relationship or our bedroom activities. Seemingly anything to avoid tough topics. She's very private when it comes to medical stuff, so I really have no idea if she's talked to her doctor about HRT or BHRT. I guess I'm just supposed to assume this is all normal and any issues I have with not being allowed to pleasure her stem from my "low self-esteem" in not accepting it. In reality, yes, I think part of our sexual relationship should be that we can both give each other pleasure. Something is missing when I feel like I'm the only one who receives. At that point it makes me feel like it's done out of duty. I don't want that.

I ask what I can do to help. I'm flirtatious with her, I try to be romantic. I help around the house. I'm the sole provider for the family and am a good Dad. I just wish she'd talk with me and help me help her. If I'm doing something wrong, tell me! Instead again, I guess I'm just supposed to accept things as they are, not question why so much has changed and proceed as if all is normal. Shaking my head.


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