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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
wife had an affair / me lost and crushed
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chance937 posted:
ok... don't know what to do no more. 2yrs ago now my wife had an affair with her co-worker. we at the time had been together for 11yrs. she was 31 and the guy she had the affair with was 52 and married for 30yrs. wow this is a little hard to put out there.. umm she got pregnant and had an abortion!! it was his im fixed. when I asked what happened or what was it I did she couldn't tell me much other than he was nice, paid for everything and didn't remind her of her responsibility's or family. just always let her do as she wanted. I asked if it was me or something I did. she said no. your a perfect husband and my best friend. so what am I to think???
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darlyn05 responded:
Are you just finding out about this now, or are you still grieving from the affair after these past 2yrs? Have you two tried couple counseling, or at the very least for yourself? Do they still work in the same location together? Are/were there any children in the home? What stresses or responsibilities of hers was she not reminded of? What was it that she could do as she wants that she was unable to do within the marriage? I do not condone infidelity, from what you wrote, it seems as though she wanted a temporary escape from the reality of responsibility of her life, whatever that might be. Like a fantasy. Sorry, more questions than thoughts.
 
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chance937 replied to darlyn05's response:
no she told me 2 years ago. but the level of all she did and then all she has done from then I just don't understand it. I asked about counseling but she said she dose not want to. ya she still works there and with him but only when she has to.. but cant say I really believe her. yes we have 4 kids. two was hers from a short marriage before us. as to this date we have been together for 13yrs. our oldest is 15, then 13, 9 & 6. the responsibilities she was talking about was anything really.. like helping with the kids, helping at home with like homework, cooking, picking up, basically family stuff. ya its like she just flipped and became 17 with no responsibilities.. I never wanted to get married but ones. I believe the one you married should be the one you love with everything from this life to the next!!! I truly have never forced her to do anything she didn't want to. I've always supported her in life and her work. I work full time to and then come home to be with my kids and her. always have and always will its just me. I believe family is everything!!
she said this was her first major job choice and she loved the money and the fact she was a woman in a mans field. she was so proud to have made it and I was proud of her to. I even took classes on the same thing just so I could understand some of what she was talking about when she came home. but then the affair with this guy??? she said he was just a friend at first then he kissed her at work and she was mad at him. then he keep trying and then she said in her words (I just let it happen) !! she said at first then she thought I didn't care about her.. I don't understand that!! I always go out of my way to let her and all 4 of my kids know how much I care, love & respect them! supposedly the actual sex part started after she totaled her car and we when and got her a brand new on. but when she totaled her car I dropped everything I was doing and drove as fast as I could to her side just to know she was ok... I even babied her for like a week or so after. but in that time they started having... we you know.. then 2 months later she told me just a few days before family vacation she was having an affair. or to be more precise her word.. ( umm well a friend at work kissed me..) I was like ok?? was that it? then ( I had an abortion ) I was dead! after like 10 min. I asked ummm ok.. what do you want to do..? she said she told him I deserved a second chance. I was confused buy that and still am. I new she had been through a lot and truthful didn't want to hurt her more than she was already. so I sucked it up at that time and said are you ok. she just shook her shoulders and I just hugged her. after that ive just been trying for her and the kids.. but nothing more than I did before. but we talked a lot but her logic scares the hell out of me.. then she still in her words (letting him believe they were together for like Aug. to May... but she still just works and sleeps and sometime helps out but not much.. its like after she started working there she has just given up on being apart of our family! when we put our youngest in school she couldn't even put down what he liked to do on the paperwork. I mean am I crazy or what! im here with my kids all the time but they miss there mom even when she's here. but its like she don't care!! if I try to talk to her about it she say im picking at her or toughing thing up! im not I just want her to see what she's doing! im one thing but our kids.... come on!!
 
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darlyn05 replied to chance937's response:
What I hear you saying is that currently she is more focused on her career, or career drivin. Is that correct?
 
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fcl replied to chance937's response:
She's very good at manipulating you. I think it's time that stopped, don't you? She needs to take responsability for her actions. She has checked out of your marriage and is in the process of checking out of your family. Right. How long do you think you can live like this and what kind of an effect is it having on your children? Ask yourself the right questions and don't allow her to (passive-aggressive) bully you into silence.

First things first. Counselling is not optional it is an absolute necessity. She doesn't think she needs it? Don't ask her to go. TELL her that this is the first step towards saving your marriage and that it is not negotiable. Secondly, she has to stop seeing this guy completely. Either that or she packs her bags and leaves. Wouldn't life be a lot less stressful for you if you only had to worry about your children and yourself? Thirdly, she has to stop using you like a backup plan. You are her husband and should be her top priority!

Honestly, I'd be demanding that she stop working there and find another job elsewhere as part of the conditions for saving your marriage.

Finally, please stop letting her make you accountable for her actions. Sex didn't just happen. She made the decision to do it. If she felt neglected by you, the first thing she should have done was TOLD you so and talked it over with you not jump into bed with the first guy who showed any interest in her.

Honestly, I feel angry for you. You need to react. Don't let this situation fester any further. Take action today.

Good luck
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.


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