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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
Feel like a villian
peacefulducky posted:
My husband and I have been married 10 years. I love having sex with him. He says he loves it as well. The problem is that he is never really interested in having sex. I have tried to flirt and tease and tried being spontaneous. I initiate it most of the time. The first year was great. The second year was marked by the birth of our child and two surgeries for me. it has been 7 years since the last of my surgeries. Last year I can count on two hand the times we had sex. This year, even though it is only september, I can say we have had sex 2 times only. When we have discussed it he tells me that sex has never been a big interest of his. When we married it was a big interest. I was glad as I think it is important. Now when I have tried to discuss it or to initiate it he makes me feel like I am being sex crazed or something. He has seen a doctor recently and was told he was healthy except for a slight rise in cholesterol. He takes no medications. He is mildly stressed due to a recent change of address for our family.
I hate being the villian...What can I do?
fcl responded:
You're not a villain! Your husband, though he enjoys sex, just has a low drive. Quite honestly, there is nothing you can do to give him a high drive but you can encourage him to have sex more. Sit him down (not in the bedroom, somewhere neutral) and tell him that you'd enjoy having sex more often. Ask him how often he'd be comfortable with and ... negotiate. Even if it's only twice a month, it's more than you're getting, right? Then plan it. yes, that's right, plan it. Decide when you're going to have sex. How about every Friday night? Sunday morning? It's up to both of you to decide on the frequency and the time.

Planning for it takes the stress off of him. It also takes the guilt away from you. It also means that you have time to think of things you want to do, things you'd like to incorporate into your love-making. Remember, he likes sex he just doesn't actually think, of doing it. You are NOT the bad guy - you'd be letting him enjoy something he likes without badgering him
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.

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