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    This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
    Sexual Behaviour
    An_253712 posted:
    I m married and my husband shares his fantasies when we are in the middle of intercourse. He fantasises about my friends and shares detailed description with me while we do it.So it is as good as him having it with them.
    Is this normal.
    queston responded:
    No, this is not normal.

    It is normal to fantasize about other partners, maybe even during sex, but most people have the good sense to keep those thoughts to themselves.

    If thinking about Sean Connery made my wife hot and revved up sex fro her a little, I really wouldn't care, but I don't really want to know about it. Especially not during the act. Sheesh.

    Is he a cad like this generally, or just about this issue?

    Some people seem to be under the impression that spouses need to tell one another *everything.* I think that's ridiculous.
    sluggo45692 responded:
    What an A.Hole. Queston is right, having fantasies are normal. I have though many times what I would like to do with my partner's friends. I don't discuss them with her or really wouldn't talk about them when making love to my gf.
    The only fantasies your spouse/partner should talk to you about is what they want to do to or for you. I don't have many fantasies for my gf, because we talk and then do them.
    Talk to your husband and let him know you don't want this to happen again. He's there to make love to you, not your gf. Good Luck.
    fcl responded:
    The fact that you are asking this question indicates that you already know the answer. No, it's not normal. In fact, the only time a decent person would do this kind of this would be if their partner begged them to. I am assuming this is not your case. I cannot imagine a bigger turn-off. How do you feel about it?
    There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
    honkey123 responded:
    It sounds like he is getting off by fantasing about someone he knows and that isn't good. He should think about what he is doing with you instead. I don't know how to change his behavior but you might talk it over with him. It might be better if he looks at a little porn before sex, that might get his mind off friend etc.
    billnjenn responded:
    Some people have a very 1890's definition of normal. The fact is you ask the wrong question. Talking about sexual fantasies during intercourse is very "normal". The question should be what are your options. You can remain uptight and selfish and deny him pleasure and remain unhappy or you can find a solution. What does not injury you should be fair game in bed. You could make an effort to enjoy his sex talk, if only because you like him to enjoy himself. Or you could seek a compromise. For example when he initiates intimacy, fantasy talk is allowed. When you initiate, only "dirty" words are allowed or more likely for the repressed silence. The next question is are these like most fantasies just an attempt to increase pleasure or a real desire to have sex with your friends. The answer requires far more interesting solutions. But it is sad in this day and age that anyone would consider such talk as " not normal". Funny how anything we don't do ourselves gets a negative label.
    billnjenn replied to honkey123's response:
    Just what we need thought police to tell us what we are allowed to think about during sex.
    Anon_475 replied to billnjenn's response:
    Talking about fantasies is perfectly normal however this guy is talking about his fantasies of being with his wife's friends while he's with her. The ick factor is pretty high on that.
    billnjenn replied to Anon_475's response:
    Actually that is one of the most common fantasies for men and women and does not even begin to register on the "ick" meter unless your a nun. It is good that he is open and honest and making an effort to spice up their sex life. She needs to stop thinking about what her great grandmother in the Victorian age would say and support his fantasy and share a fantasy partner of her own with him. That is how you improve your sex life instead of sending him to alternative fulfillment. It is amazing how many repressed people are still stuck in the past.
    queston replied to billnjenn's response:

    "Funny how anything we don't do ourselves gets a negative label."

    Exactly. Perhaps you should take your own advice and not be so judgmental of people with different ideas than yours.
    Just because you have a different opinion on the issue than others who responded does not make your opinion better or more evolved. It just makes it different.
    Judging from other things some of these folks have posted through the years, I'm pretty sure they're not nearly as sexually repressed as you seem to believe. They just disagree with you on this question.
    If you and your partner(s) are happy acting out and sharing such fantasies, more power to you.
    billnjenn replied to queston's response:

    I am not judging anyone. People come here with problems and ask for advice, I try to be honest. If both partners are in agreement, I could care less if their sex life is adventurous or repressed. But if one is acting in a perfectly normal and acceptable manner and it is bothering the other because of the indoctrination they have experienced in life it is best that person knows the issue is theirs.
    In the same way if someone suggested an activity that was beyond the scope or in some way dangerous or harmful, I would advise that person make the adjustment.
    You suggest that a partner should lie in their relationship. Pretend they are not attracted to others or have no fantasies?
    Every time we allow culture to stand in the way of nature we have problems. It is natural to desire others, culture to be threatened by it in others.
    What you suggest ends up with both people being unhappy. The husband because he is being asked to repress perfectly natural desires that exist in us all that we should be allowed to share with the person that we are intimate with. His wife knowing she is making her husband unhappy and being unhappy herself because she thinks his fantasies are wrong when they are not by any reasonable conclusion.
    It wasn't that long ago when there were laws against certain sex acts even between married couples. And there was some wife upset because her husband wanted to perform oral on her because it was so wrong and wanted to know what to do about this horrible thing her husband wanted to do.
    He doesn't want her to join him driving off a cliff, just to take the scenic route home. She is in the one with a problem and explaining that is best for both of them.
    queston replied to billnjenn's response:
    Lol--right, you're not judging anyone.
    sluggo45692 replied to billnjenn's response:
    You state your not judging people, but you come right out and state "Some people have a very 1890's definition of normal." That to me and some others sounds like your judging our view of normal.

    We all stated that fantasizing is normal, but I pretty sure most people don't want to hear about someone else enjoying having the sex you're having with their partner.

    I know I don't want to hear my gf describing having sex with my friend while I'm deeply involved in her or her wondering if my friend would do it any better. I know she wouldn't want to hear about me stating how much I'd like to do this sex act with her best friend.

    Now would/have I fantisized about it. YES I have. When I'm having sex with any partner, I have had fantasties about doing her friend, but good taste tells me not to talk to her about it while I'm working deeply in her. What goes on in my mind at that time needs to stay there, unless it's encouraged to come out by my partner.

    By the way, in 1890, normal was to sell or marry off your pre-teen daughters (after you test drove them), treat minorities and children less than dogs, and beat your wife. I don't think I want the 1890 normals.

    Good Luck
    billnjenn replied to sluggo45692's response:
    Not judging just relaying historical facts.

    You are pretty sure others don't like sex talk based on what? Have you studied thousands like Kinsey institute has? In other words you assume you would not like and others must be like you because you seem to assume you are right based on intuition.

    Some people are very stuck in what was acceptable long ago or what they think they are supposed to believe. Society moves on slowly but surely and grows up.

    In a sound healthy relationship you explore issues like these and come to a compromise solution that respects both of their desires.

    I stick with my recommendation of possible solutions as it comes from doctors who specialize in sex and relationships. Often examining why we think something is not normal and we don't want it to happen we can solve our own reasons for thinking that way. If you are unwilling to try it says a great deal about your feeling for your partners happiness.

    What if she said having sex other than in the missionary position and then only for procreation was not normal and she would not participate with her husband if he wanted it?

    Same issue only made simplistic enough to understand.

    In my opinion she needs to make an attempt to meet him half way. Sad to read to are afraid to be honest with your partner. We don't have secrets. Sometimes we find something we never thought we would like, is really enjoyable. Sometimes we compromise, but always we are honest.
    billnjenn replied to sluggo45692's response:
    PS you don't know much about the 1890 either

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