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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
How do I cope with husbands wandering eyes?
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depressedone13 posted:
Okay hoping to just get someone to talk to me, hopefully someone that is experiencing same issue. I have been married 29 years I am 50. Over the years there were few times I noticed husbands wandering eyes it hurt but I let it go and said nothing. My husband was laid off from his job a year ago and also had open heart surgery in Feb. Every since then I have noticed his wandering eyes almost every time we go out in public now. We have had a wonderful marriage but I feel this is taking a huge toll on it. We fight more often about this issue. Its the only reason we do fight. Of course he calls me crazy and says I am imagining it, I would have no problem if it were just glancing at other women but he makes eye to eye contact and it hurts me. He takes care of the household cooking cleaning and laundry since he still is not working. We got in huge fight last night and I am tired of him calling me crazy like as if I can't see him eyeing other women, I have even had suicide thoughts at times. I am just at a loss right now and do not know what to do.
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sluggo45692 responded:
Congrats on 29 years. I was married for 19 years, but that's another long and boring story. Some advise from a 50 year old man.
I still look at the eye candy of our society. I'm not being mean, here's a question. Where is he at every night? I told my ex wife and I tell my gf, if I don't look, then something is wrong with me. The both have told me they don't like it, but I told them that I'm home very night with them. I may look at the menu, but I know where my meal is.
You have made you self clear to him that it hurts you. He may not even realize he's doing it. The next time it happens, don't make a spectical of it, but nudge his arm or take his hand. Tell him your going to do this every time you think it's happening. Tell him it's to help break the spell of wandering eye.
I do think you may need a little outside intervention. Your talking about suicide thoughts and that your depressed. Sounds like you have a lot on your shoulder. Husband not working, times are tight, and you sound like you have a lot of stress. Your not crazy, but I think you need some help. It doesn't have to be a mental health care professional, but a counslor, friend, or pastor. Don't let the little things get you down. I'm not saying after 29 years everything will be perfect, but I think you might think it's too much. Talk to someone, then get him involved.
Open heart surgery can really be an eye opener for the whole family. My mom just had a heart cath and that was scary enough. Plus the stress of possibly lossing her. I can only imagine a spouse. Good Luck
 
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queston responded:
I'm the same age and have been married almost that long.

Some perspective: Men look. Pretty-much all men. My experience is that most women do, too. If my wife looks at some ripped 20-something guy (on TV or in real life), I'm not threatened by that at all. Of course I can't match that, physically: I'm 49 years old, balding, etc. But I'm her husband, and that guy isn't.

It sounds to me like you have a lot of stress in your lives right now. I think it's very telling that you didn't notice this before. I think it's quite possible that you've honed in on this one relatively little thing that it seems might be fixable because there's so much happening that seems out of your control.

Now, if he's openly flirting, that seems to cross a line. Maybe you might have some success separating the two issues: "Look, I know that you enjoy looking, and that's fine. Everyone looks. Who doesn't enjoy seeing a beautiful person in their prime? But you shouldn't be flirting--that's disrespectful to me."

Also, you could even make it kind of a game. My wife and I do that. She'll point out someone and say, "she's just your type--I bet you think she's pretty hot, don't you?" Heck, I'll rewind a scene of a hunky shirtless guy on TV if she missed it, 'cause I know she'd like to see it.

But mostly, I think that the stress in your life is really taking a toll, and you really should get some professional help in dealing with it.
 
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tlkittycat1968 replied to queston's response:
I agree with you for the most part but there is a difference between looking and staring. I'm married and I notice and look at attractive men and I know DH notices and looks and attractive women. If he's looking long enough to have eye contact with the person, that's beyond just looking.
Happily married to DH since 2003. Two kids: Paul (5) and Kylee (3).
 
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depressedone13 replied to sluggo45692's response:
Thanks for your replies. I am feeling better. I have spoken with my husband and he says he does not realize what he is doing, so hopefully he will be more aware. I do like the idea of when I see him doing this I am just going to have to hold his hand or give him a kiss to sidetrack him. Before I would just hold it in and then just say something when I would get the nerve. As for him being without job, thankfully I have a good job that has kept us going. Things are ok for now. Thanks again for your words it makes me think things differently. Yes I have to be thankful that he is home with me every night.
 
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depressedone13 replied to queston's response:
Thanks for your reply. It makes me think things differently, things are better for now.
 
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An_254864 responded:
It sounds like you're doing better but I do have some comments. If he's out of work his self-confidence might be suffering a little, and with the heart attack he probably feels down about that also, and if he's home alone all day he also feels lonely - so he may need more love from you. For a man sex is part of that. If you two make love two or more times a week, he'll feel much better and I bet you will too. It's working in my marriage - we're older too.
 
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depressedone13 replied to An_254864's response:
Thank you for your reply-- After reading the responses I had to adjust my thinking. I do believe this could be affecting his self confidence, I have been more supporting for him. He is actively looking for a job so hopefully something will happen soon for him. As for our affection, things are great there. I have not noticed him looking at any other woman for a while now. I do now realize that men do look. But just need to be thankful he is here with me! Just want to thank everyone with their replies it made me think differently and has helped quite a bit.
 
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billnjenn responded:
Men all look or hide it well or just lie about it.

Best phrase I ever heard was "I don't care why my husband gets hungry, only that he eats at home".

Insecurity on your part seems the main issue. If the two of you have a good sex life and he is getting what he wants and enjoys from you, why care what he looks at.

Just because you drive past a nice house doesn't mean you are moving.


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