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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
Wife does not desire me / divorce?
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An_254006 posted:
I have been married 14 years. I desire sex with my wife enough to initiate. She does not desire sex with me. I have been very clear as to my desire and the importance sexual intemacy and feeling desired and attractive. I would lover her to initiate but she doesn't. I have never come home from a business trip to my wife wanting to make love. Even after clearly communicating my feelings things have never changed. Am I asking for to much? Initiate. But, if she is not attracted to me and does not desire me then what? She tells me that just because she does not desire sex does not mean she is not attracted to me. I dont get it.

We have gone through this for years! I am to the point where I need to determine if the imortance of passion and desire from my wife justifies divorce. I go through the same cycle: stress, depression, anger, rejection and I am tired of it.

I am lost.
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stevesmw responded:
Was there any time in your relationship where your wife enjoyed sex? Was there any time in your relationship where your wife enjoyed sex enough to initiate it?

In almost every relationship there's a period when each partner is interested in pleasing the other. At some point it stops.

My wife and I haven't made love in a log time even though she knows I want to. She has PTSD from early sexual abuse and after the pleasing stage she could be the only person to initiate. When she did initiate he would make love for a long time and she would orgasm almost non stop. I could never figure out why someone who got so much pleasure from sex had it so infrequently.

It is a subject that is no longer discussed, because talking about it won't make things better. We have a close, intimate, loving, sexless relationship.

I could deal with never having an orgasm from intercourse, but I do miss the opportunity to sexually please her.

I don't know how old your wife is. If your wife gets no pleasure making love with you that is something you can work on. If she's just no interested in sex even though she enjoys it when it happens, her libido may change over time as part of the aging process. I can understand you feeling depressed and rejected, but anger isn't going to help your relationship.
 
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davidmcdonald2 replied to stevesmw's response:
My wife likes sex when we have it. We used to have it once per week until I started not to initiate it. Now it is every three weeks. For years it was once per month. Early on she initiated.

She has an orgasm everytime we have sex. I wonder: if she enjoys it than why does she not initiate it? It must be a lack of attraction.
 
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darlyn05 responded:
As the other poster mentioned, the aging process does change a variety of things and there is no set age or time frame for this or changes to occur. How old is your wife(yourself)? Also as previously mentioned is that time has an effect on different things for couples in different ways. If your wife initiated for the most part during your more active years she may feel it's her turn to feel wanted and desired. Plus, think of all the changes happening around us, and how it is and/or maybe effecting her. Is there some sort or kind of stressors that may be on her mind? Do you have children? How long have you been going on business trips? Is the importance of passion and desire from your wife what or is the only thing that attracts you to your wife? Is that what makes a marriage in your eyes?

It is true that just because a person in such a situation whose libido has declined some does not mean they don't find their partner attractive. I don't think you're asking for too much, however, perhaps how you are going about it, maybe demanding it, is too much. If the times of engagement are pleasurable, why not continue to initiate them? I don't think this would be cause for divorce for myself.
 
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fcl replied to davidmcdonald2's response:
I think you need to take the focus off of the "she won't initiate" part. Apparently, she doesn't turn you down and enjoys sex with you. If I were you, I'd initiate as often as I wanted and just accept that she may have initiated in the early stages of your relationship but that, now, for whatever reason there may be, she just doesn't. It doesn't mean that she isn't attracted to you, just that she doesn't think about sex as often as you do. It isn't rejection in any way.

By not initiating, you are simply shooting yourself in the foot
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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sluggo45692 replied to fcl's response:
I agree with FCL and the others. Don't focus on her initiating sex. I know some women love having sex, but feel it's the partners job to start. She also may have changed in her views of sex. She likes it and orgasms when she does have it, but can do with out.
I know my gf works 8 plus hour a day, takes care of her parents and is on the go a lot of the time. I realized that if I want any, I have to ask and it would have to be before 9 pm. By 10 pm she asleep. She gets up on work days at 5 am and has 45 minute drive to and from work. I know she loves sex and I make sure she gets hers, but when she's tired she doesn't think of anything but sleep.

You have 2 choices if you don't want to divorce. Ask for it or don't ask for it. She's the woman you married and have lived with for a long time. She's not going to kill you for asking. It's just no or yes. There are nights you may just want to cuddle and not have sex and she wants a little. Talk to her, love her, and understand that if your in a wanting way, you have to ask for it. Good Luck
 
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An_254864 responded:
One thing that improved my wife's desire level was when I decided to give her oral sex for 10 or 15 minutes or longer each time we make love as part of foreplay - there's a lot to explore there. I guess I'm getting better at it because she wants sex much more now but I still have to initiate which is Ok with me. The clit is amazingly sensitive - the more gentle you are the better - it'll drive her nuts!


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