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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
Divorcing and I need Advice
AdvicePlease posted:
My husband has filed for divorce after our 16 year relationship. I had an affair, got caught and lied about it. This makes me a horrible person I've been told and feeling very isolated. This man along with our teenage daughter have been my life and honestly I'm having a hard time coping. Here is my dilemma...My husband is a highly functioning alcoholic. It seems to have no ill effect on any aspect of his life except for me. I do believe he may have some health issues related to it as well as he has severe tremors of his hands. He's not honest with doctors about his drinking history because he would have been referred for help long ago. He is not violent physically, but is not always nice verbally. We have not sought legal representation since money is tight. We agreed he would keep the family home, and our daughter will stay with him for school reasons, making him the custodial parent. I moved out several months ago and don't live in her school district. We are members of the Armed Services, so admitting to abuse of alcohol has the ability to influence your career.

What do I do? How can I leave her with him, granted he does provide and care for her. I'm not there to run interference or be his crutch anymore. i know abuse of alcohol is frowned upon for custody. I've never talked to anyone about this and I'm sure no one suspects him to be a drinker,
darlyn05 responded:
I know some attorneys/lawyers offer 'free' first time consultations. You can write a list of questions down to ask and go that route. Good luck.

PS. Hand tremors are not exclusive to alcoholism, and your daughter may be doing fine where she is, have you spoken with her to confirm your suspicions?
AdvicePlease replied to darlyn05's response:
Yes she's fine. And your right about the tremors. Many things can cause this.
sluggo45692 responded:
I've been out of the military for a few years.(18) I do remember they had a base legal dept for matters like this. They could get you the forms you need and help you file, if you are both in agreement with everything. I mean everything from houses, cars, children, retirements and anything else. It was also free.

Son of a drunk and step-son to a "functioning" alcoholic. An alcoholic is an alcoholic and the military has changed it's tune even when I was in. I know they don't want their service members drunk or stoned on the job. Be very careful with alcoholism. It can ruin careers or it could save careers if open about it and is treated. I had an E8 boss who was red nosed and smelled like a brewery. He came to work everyday and lived in the NCO club every night. That was 1983. 5 years later a different E8 was "retired" after being in an argument with his wife. He was a "functioning alcoholic" and did the same thing the first E8 did.

Yes, you cheated and are now paying the piper. Don't let it ruin your childs life. She is your number one priority. Do what ever you can to help her. Even if it means helping the man you once loved and cheated on. Don't let him run over you either.
Hope you can find a good middle. Good Luck
AdvicePlease replied to sluggo45692's response:
Thanks for the advice. Much to work on but we are starting to have an open dialogue. Yes our daughter is my first priority. I see her almost every weekend and Skype nightly. The legal office does not deal with civil matters so I'm on my own. We have agreed for the most part and I do still love this man but I'm afraid the damage is done.
sluggo45692 replied to AdvicePlease's response:
I was in your husband's shoes 5 years ago, (except the drinking) I will let you know some of the things he's feeling right now and some ways you can help.

You broke a trust and it's still very painful. Talk to him only on items that need to be discussed. Do it without emotions getting involved. He's angry and feeling very rejected. He's wondering what he did or didn't do to drive you to another person. If you try to involve emotions in the discussions of divorce your most likely going to get a lot of that anger.

Keep your children informed, but out of the discussions back and forth. DON'T use them as a messenger. It's not their fault things are happening the way they are, but their whole life has changed. I see you talk to her, but talk to her. Not just the fluff, but what's in your heart and find out what's in her's.

I to this day don't want to even look at my ex-wife and her bf, but I keep everything civil because of my son. I have custody of him and I have to be the example for him.

Nothing that is agreed upon is firm, until a judge signs the paperwork. You can say your going to do this and do that. Your word means nothing to him right now. You have to build some of that trust back. You will NEVER get it totally back, but you can get some of it. If you tell him your going to do something, do it. Keep your word and don't lie to him. Example: ex-wife told the courts she was living in a shelter with my son. On interview with judge, My son told him they were thrown out of the shelter, Don't know why, but they were living with her bf. She's was dumb enough to lie to courts and her lawyer. I have full custody of my son and she has very limited visitation rights.

This has been very hard for me to help you, as you can see. The reason I've been able to talk about this is I want you and your family to go through a difficult time easier than I had it. You both have to be honest with each other and talk. Your both in a state of flux and need all the help along this road you can get.
Good Luck

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