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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
Middle-Age Blues??
sweetytweet posted:
I am writing in regards to sexual relationships. I don't really have anyone to ask but friends, and very little family. I would like to see what other peoples opinions are. So here goes....I am 47 and my husband is 52. We got married in 2011. It seems in the last year that are sexual relations have went down. At times, I am ok with that to a point. I always feel that I need to initiate it. I have talked to my husband numerous times and we seem to get nowhere! He has told me that it is his weight. I have lost like 35 lbs. in the last 2.5 years and he has gained some during this time. I am facing surgery, but soon as this gets down and over, I want (and will) continue to do what I was doing before to lose weight. Everyone needs to find what works for them, and the way I do seems to work for me (H20 mostly) but he is not a water person. I do want to walk and plan on including him. So this may all work out. My question, any advice on how to cope with his problem about his weight? I have told him I still find him attractive, etc. I don't know what else to do to get him to initiate himself and make me feel wanted. Also, what do you feel is average in how many times a week you have sexual relations? Is it even every week at this age? That is a BIG question I have. Friends my age talk 3 times a week....yeah...not me! Thanks for any suggustions/advice you can offer.
queston responded:
This is all pretty typical stuff. I'm right in between your age and your husband's, so I'm living this stuff. In our case, it's my wife who has gained a little weight and mostly lost her libido. (The low libido started for her way before the weight gain.)

Not only does she hardly ever want to have sex, but her self-consciousness about her body is a major turn-off when we do have sex.

3 times a week would be like a dream for me. We're around more like 2-3 times a month. Of course, what's more important than what's typical is what works for you and your husband.

"My partner doesn't initiate" is also a really common complaint. Maybe he's just less the initiating type than you are? I for one am not likely to initiate unless I get some sort of indication from my wife that she might be receptive to romance and sex. Men aren't known for their attention to subtle cues, so you may have to be fairly unsubtle in sending a message of your sexual availability in order to get him to initiate.

When you initiate, is he generally game? If so, maybe you just need to initiate more, have more sex, and be happy.

Does everything work alright when you do have sex? Is it satisfying for you and for him? Men sometimes avoid sex when they are concerned about some real or perceived problem with their sexual performance. Does he have any problems with ED, premature ejaculation, etc? Does your typical lovemaking lead to satisfaction and orgasm for you? If not, he might be feeling gun-shy for some of these reasons.
rhondamay responded:
sweetytweet , Question gave you good thoughtful advice. You are not alone. Juggling mismatched libidos is a challenge I think everyone faces at some time in their marriage, and usually more than one time.

I was married at 18 to a 21 year old male, I am now in my late 50s. For the first ten years we were like rabbits. Neither one of us could get enough of the other. Our sex life was great.

Then we hit a stretch where my workaholic husband had trouble making time for me. Our sex life dwindled and we only had sex when I initiated except on special days like birthdays and anniversaries. This went on for almost three years until I finally thought I had a remedy. Like Question says, guys don't always pick up on subtle hints. Consequently, I went into his home office bare naked and led him by the hand to the bedroom and "Rogered" him senseless. The next day, while he still couldn't wipe the smile off his face, I told him I was putting some serious romance back into the marriage and he needed to participate. It was a sort of gentle wake-up call for him and we got back on track until menopause through me for a loop.

Vaginal dryness made penetration painful and I was the one dragging me feet. But this too was conquered because we had good communication, a good gynecologist and throughout all the minor bumps we faced, we never doubted each other's love and commitment.

For the past few years we have scheduled date nights and that has worked magnificently for us. It took some negotiating. I wanted sex once every five days. He wanted sex every three days. We settled on every four days and both are happy with this arrangement. We still manage to get a few bonus sessions thrown in a few times a month.
sluggo45692 responded:
Hi sweetytweet ,

You got a lot good advise here. Both I and my gf are large people. When I first started dating her, she wouldn't get undressed in front of me. I couldn't take that. We were going to bed as normal, I made sure she had an old night gown on and when she went to turn off the light. I stopped her. I put her on the bed, stripped away her clothes, and kissed every part of her in the light. We've never had the problem again.She now even comes to bed naked

As for initiating, it doesn't matter who starts things off. My gf and I work 2 separate shifts 1st & 3rd at 2 different locations. We get 1 almost full day off together and 2 nights together. If we get 1x a week, it's great right now. I already told her, when I get to 1st, we both are going to be a lot more active at night as well as exercise.

As for the weight, I'm 50 and about 90 lbs overweight, my gf is 51 and I'm not saying. We both know we need to loss the weight. If you can do it keep at it, and try to get hubby help in little ways. Eat dinner together at the table, not the tv. You plan the meals with correct portions. Fix no more than that. Walking in the park is a good start. Once you start, keep it up. Plan healthy snacks together. Offer "special" favors for weight loss.

Use this web site for help.

Good Luck
sweetytweet responded:
Thank you all for your ideas/advice. I thought I was the only one out there. I need to think about everything you said and I may reply again, or have more questions. In mean time I will think this over and NOT give up. Our marriage, love and commitment for each other is strong. So it is just a matter of working this out where we are both happy, physicially, mentally and sexuality. Thank you all~~

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