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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
Marriage Problems
songbird177 posted:
I don't even know where to start so I am reaching out here as I cannot afford counseling. My marriage has lots of issues. And like every story, there are two sides.

The latest incidence is asking for things my husband has a problem with. He blows up when I ask him for something. The other night my bird crapped on my foot and was very liquid. He was already standing up so I asked him for a tissue. Like other times he says why should I be the one to do it. Is it wrong for me to ask for help like this? He says that it makes him feel like a slave and wishes I had more independence. But when he asks me to get something, I do it. I don't think I'm wrong but am I? Just wanting a third-part opinion on this. I just feel that strangers at work treat me better than this.
queston responded:
It's hard to read to much about this one incident without knowing anything about what your overall issues are, how the two of you communicate, etc.

But it seems to me that, in a healthy, loving relationship, we want to do little (and big) things for our partner, to make their life a little easier. And getting someone a tissue certainly qualifies as a little thing, for heaven's sake.

How is the division of labor in your household, generally? Does your husband do his fair share? If he does, he might resent being asked to do more, even if it is tiny little things. If he doesn't, then he might be super-defensive about being asked to do things because he knows that you do more of the household work than he does.

Also, it's possible that "acts of service" might come more naturally to you as a way of showing your love than they do for him. Have you read the Gary Chapman The Five Love Languages book? Also, the very best marital how-to book, IMHO, is John Gottman's The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. If you suggested reading one or both of these books together, do you think he'd go for that?
gd9900 responded:
Try posting this on Web md relationships and coping. Dr. Leslie Becker-Phelps is a professional therapist who regularly posts in that group. Im sure she would have some helpful insights and questions for you & hubby to ponder. I have one thing to stated there are two sides to every story. While that is true I ask you to consider there are actually three sides; yours, his, and the truth. I learned this going through my divorce and truth is generally the simplest of the three. In the end neither side of the story mattered, only the truth.
darlyn05 responded:
I agree with queston. I'll also suggest that you perhaps do your own evaluation of narcissistic traits your husband may have.

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