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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
I need help, when the trust is broken
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stemnena posted:
My story is a pretty long one, but I will try and shorten it a little. First off my bf and I have been together for 6 years (almost 7.) Two years ago our relationship took a turn for the worst. We finally decided to live together. He started to hid alcohol and how much he was drinking. He got a DUI, went through detox, and went through rehab. I was hoping once he came back home from rehab everything would work out between us. Not even a month after rehab he started drinking again and hiding it. This time he would drink while I went to work and have it gone by the time I would get back. Finally I found out one night and the next day I moved out. I told him in rehab if you drank again I would be gone.

Only I took him back. He had to move out of our place because he didn't have a job and move back in with his dad. As I had to move back in with my mom. I know I should have left them then, but its hard to leave someone when you really do love them and care about them.

A month after I moved out he went crazy. He was on some new meds. He decided to go kill himself. He didn't and ended up in a psychiatric ward for about a week or so. While he was there our 6 year anniversary came and went.

I was really hoping that was his rock bottom but it wasn't. He came back and was hiding drinking again. I know by now some of you are thinking way is she still with him. Well because I love him and care about him a lot.

I have been lied to, hurt, my trust is broken, I don't know what to believe when he tells me things. We tried couples counseling and it didn't go so well. I then met with that person by myself and she even said I need to leave him. All my friends tell me that and my family stays out of it, but do tell me the want the best for me.

I know I should probably leave him, but he says he is changing and as much as I want to believe that its very hard for me to. I do love him very much yet and care about him. I just don't know what to do.

I'm sorry this is so long, I tried to make it as shot as possible.

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fcl responded:
Now go back and read over what you just wrote. Imagine a friend of yours came and told you this, what would you say?

Don't youi think that it's significant that you say your relationship took a turn for the worse when you started to live together? I'm assuming that this is because you discovered his alcoholism for the first time. He's always been an alcoholic and probably always will. He's been through rehab and still turns back to the bottle. He has lied to you over and over again. He has had the opportunity to change and hasn't seized it. He's let it drift past and over the horizon ...

OTOH, you have given him an ultimatum and haven't followed through so he thinks that he can just keep drinking because you will always be there. Tell me, how do you picture your life in 10 years time? Will you be happy? Have a home? Children? Or will you be desperately trying to make ends meet because he drinks away the household income? Will you be bailing him out yet again? Ask yourself what you really want in life... The choice is yours. Do you value yourself and your future or do you want to throw it away trying to fix someone who lies to you and doesn't care about anything other than the bottle?

The bottom line is that you cannot change anyone else, you can only change yourself. When my children were small and were difficult, I would tell them that they could have a good day or a bad day, the choice was theirs- if they decided to spend it being angry or sulking it was up to them. So I'm going to paraphrase that for you - you can have a good life or a bad life, the choice is yours. which will you take?

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." - Albert Einstein

There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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billnjenn responded:
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