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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
No sex
An_255443 posted:
My boyfriend and I have only had sex once in 2 years! I've told him how important intimacy is to me and bought a box of condoms, but still nothing! He is 49.

Take the Poll

What should I do?
  • Take him to the Doctor?
  • Talk to him again?
View Poll Results
fcl responded:
Does he actually turn you down when you make advances? Do you try to initiate often? Have you discussed (outside of the bedroom) why he doesn't want to have sex? What does he say.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
mtate08 replied to fcl's response:
I guess I'm really waiting for him to initiate, but the last time I did, he did respond and everything was great! First he said he was stressed, then it was the dog that sleeps with us, so last time I put her into bathroom. When I talked to him last, he said I still turn him on, and that he really doesn't have the sex drive he used to, he's really never been touchy freely.
fcl replied to mtate08's response:
So what's to stop you initiating every time you want sex?
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
countymounty replied to fcl's response:
Sorry for jumping in. I have the same questions as mtate08. only it's my wife who turns me down constantly. we've been together for 35 yrs. she never really liked sex. she would say when we get married. Nothing changed. I love her so much I feel bad looking for help. but she does not want to talk about it. this is the only thing that we disagree about. I want to understand and stop hurting inside.
mtate08 replied to countymounty's response:
No worries, I feel for you! Maybe she could talk to someone? A Dr.? I don't think I could do without that intimacy for that long! Hang in there! Maybe she just needs some Estrogen? Or maybe she had a bad experience? I hope this helps!
billnjenn responded:
Not sure what shocks me more, him not wanting intimacy or your thinking condoms would make him want sex.

At least when you initiate he is willing putting you way ahead of the game compared to many couples.

Now if intimacy is so important to you why have you initiated sex once in two years?
billnjenn replied to countymounty's response:
So if she never liked or wanted sex even before marriage didn't you know what you were signing up for and did so willingly?

Relationships are about common ground on important issues and acceptance of compromise on the rest.

Most problems are when with age one partner changes and their desires no longer match their spouse. If your wife was always of this mind I have to wonder why it was not a deal breaker before you said I do.
countymounty replied to billnjenn's response:
well you see I'm a romantic at heart and I believed she would warm up . Day's become weeks , months than 35 yrs later.
mtate08 replied to billnjenn's response:
Well condoms would reassure him that the chances of me getting pregnant would be less!
stevesmw replied to mtate08's response:
An average male of his age is going to want to have sex as often as he can with a willing partner. He may be suffering performance anxiety and lack of confidence. If a man feels that he can't be a good lover he may avoid sex and you really haven't pushed the issue.

What attracts him to your relationship is not physical intimacy.
If physical intimacy is important to you and you find another boyfriend, make sure your dog is content sleeping in another room.
sluggo45692 responded:
BF & GF for 2 years and only had sex once. You asked and he still does nothing. You left one choice out in your poll.

Don't let the door hit you where the good lord split you. He needs to go. Just my opinion.

Good Luck
billnjenn replied to mtate08's response:
Condoms are a big negative for guys and many gals.

I am not saying the fault is yours, it certainly does not seem to be. Just saying its strange to think enjoying sex less by wearing a condom would encourage him to have more sex.

Why are you two together, you don't seem very compatible in one of the most important issues in a relationship.

Its one thing when you have been married for decades and one person changes, its another when the problem is there the first two years as BF and GF, a temporary arrangement to start with.
00000162 responded:
taking a person to the doctor that doesn't really by into going will have no result. How old are you?
My partner is 57 and I am 51.

We haven't had sex in 6 of seven years. Do you want to be me in 5 years?

It is not going to get better. my partner tells me that I still turn him on but nothing still happens and he doesn't even try to initiate ever. He doesnt want to talk about it and he doesnt me to talk to anyone about it. If I initiate it he gets to a point and then he pushes me away delicately because he knows it hurts my feelings how ever he still does it. then I go far away to the other side of the room for the next few days and then the cycle starts all over again. This will continue until I decide I have had enough I guess.

I suspect you are younger than I am and have much more life left to live. If you cannot get him talking about seeing a doctor for some options and secondly talking about the issue at hand to solve it then your partnership is worth nothing! don't kid yourself sex is the glue that holds a couple together when the money runs low and life hits you hard.

so If you cannot get him working on this then choose better next time because trust me you can make the wrong decision again. I went from a mentally abusive man to ED. Do you think I am making better decisions? NOT!
oldbiguy responded:
My wife has a much higher sex drive than I do, I know that I could never satisfy her sexual needs. I love my wife and she deserves more than I could deliver sexually, that is why I insist that she maintains healthy sexual relationships with a couple of our male friends. I believe that if you truly love someone that you will do everything possible to make them as happy as they make you, in every aspect of life.


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