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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
Feeling guilt of dating my ex husbands friend secretly
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An_256516 posted:
Okay. I will start from the beginning but try to make it short. My husband I met as a teen and he was my first and so far only love. We have a couple children together. Anyways we have known each other for about 15 years. We were together about most of that time, we have been seperated about 4 years.

The reason why we broke up was because he cheated on me several times, he had children with other women. He mentally abused me. Now he has gone to prison and has been in there for two years. Its almost like prision has made him a changed person. He is doing all the programs in there he is doing very well. I support him as a friend. Everyday he tells me that he is sorry he regrets what he did this and that and that im a great person and he took me for granted and now that he is in his late 20s he realises what he did wrong..he said that he never had any guidance because he grew up poor with a teen mom and no father etc.....

About a year ago his friend hit me up and asked about seeing the children because he was close to them, as him and my ex husband were friends at one point. I asked my ex husband if they could meet up for dinner so he could see this kids etc and he said it was okay. We continued to keep in contact, just talking and keeping up with each other. It developed into more, where we would start to confide in each other become better friends etc. Nine months later...we became romantically involved. It wasnt something I expected. Now I feel so guilty.....guilt makes me sick. Everyday my ex husband says im different than all his other kids mothers. I respect myself, I dont date all these guys. Ive never brought another man around my kids. But now im in a situation where im stuck. Somedays even though my ex did horrible things to me I just cannot get him out of my mind or over him it seems. I still love him but im not sure if i am in love with him.

Most of my friends ask me why i even care because he treated me horribly and one of my other friends say bad idea because this guy is a friend...

Its almost a year living with this secret and I dont know what to do..
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sluggo45692 responded:
Some things are not clear to me.
1 Did you divorce your husband?
2 Is he still in prison?
3 Why do you care what he thinks, when he's cheated on you, abused you, and your not with him?

I can see your different that his other baby mama's. You have a conscious and feel guity. I bet your even giving him money. I have no sympathy for dirt bags who cheat and abuse their spouses. I really don't have any sympathy for those who hear the word when the steel doors slam behind them. Maybe they didn't have the tools to deal with life when they were out. To me, they have to prove themselves after they come out. Not while they're in.

If you have divorced him, DON'T feel guilty. You have to have your needs taken care of. You divorced him. Keep it civil for the children, but don't worry about his feelings if your going on with your life.
As for the other guy, just make sure he's not a player who is hooking up with you because your lonely and then leaves you. You don't have to feel guity, because he was a friend to both of you before. You started dating him after hubby was out of the picture.
You'll always have feeling for you ex. Good or bad they will be there. Don't live in the past. Move forward. That's the best you can do for you and your children. Always think of the children 1st. No child should see mom or dad suffer.

Good Luck
 
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itsfb replied to sluggo45692's response:
I did divorce him and he is still in prison. That's the thing I don't know why I care. I still love him but not in love and it confuses me I think. The other guy I haven't seen any signs of him ever being a player. I don't pay for my kids father stuff in jail but I do take phone calls . His I love you and I'm sorry make me feel guilt.. I don't know why,
 
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sluggo45692 replied to itsfb's response:
Hi itsfb,

Your feeling guilty because you went on with your life. Let him talk to the kids. He's their father, but you stop talking to him about any of the romantic stuff. You talk to him about the kids, his family (if your still in contact), or general stuff. He thinks he can claim you when he gets out. Stop his thought processes now while he's still in. Don't let him use you. He will have to live with his family or friends when he gets out. Not you.

I know it's hard to "turn you back" on him. You divorced him to move on with your life. I don't know what the prior situtation was, but it's all in the past. You will always have feelings for him. He is the father of your children. You feel sorry, because he's in prison. That's not a life style or a healthy relationship.

I still had feeling for my ex. We did have a son together. It's the other bad feeling I have for her that take control. I don't want anything bad to happen to her, but I won't take her back in my life. Don't let him into your life. Unless you want all the other things you divorced him for to happen again.

I can't say what's right or wrong for you. I can only give you my opinion. I do have a little insight. I work in a corrections system. I've seen too many game players and B.S. artist. I'm kind of jaded. I'm not telling you any thing that I wouldn't tell any woman who was cheated on and abused. I'm not telling you this stuff because he's in prison. That's also why I told you not to believe him until he's on the outside of the steel door.

Good Luck


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