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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
Wife was adultrous many years ago- Need advise on forgiving-
An_256522 posted:
More than 2 years ago my wife admitted to having an affair. Prior to that confession, she had always said that nothing happened. Even her eventual disclosure began with a lie that a guy tried to kiss her at the front door & she resisted. As the story unraveled, it was clear that my wife planned the initial sexual encounter which lasted for 6 months & meetings occurred 3-5 day per week. After much discussion she admitted to a 2nd affair lasting more than 1 year with a married colleague at work. We attended counseling for more than 2 years and more illicit encounters & sexual partners were revealed. They began soon after our marriage and covered a span of more than 10 years with at least 11 different men. Some were co-workers, bosses, friends, and even hook-up at a club. She has sex in the car, at their place, hotels, and even in our home with at least 3 of the men. She even had sex in the back of police car with a friend to make another boyfriend jealous. The 2 years of counseling was brutal torture as the therapist often said, "I believe her (wife)" when claims that all transgressions had been revealed. Of course they hadn't all surfaced and I became assaulted month after month and week after week with more outrageous acts of deception. I became overwhelmed with thoughts of what really happened. I eventually stopped believing in the therapist as being a neutral party as I only wanted the air to be cleared and to move forward. Was requesting the entire truth too much to ask? Additionally other cruel acts were committed against me as a man: Neighbors sometimes watched the children and knew of my wife's boyfriends, boyfriends would sit on our front steps while I was working for the entire neighborhood to see, she made promises to several of the men not to have sex with me while involved with them (even though they sometimes had wives and girlfriends), and after working multiple jobs, my wife would leave me to babysit the children under the pretense of going to work when she was actually staying out half the night with these men. Yes, I was so caught up in working that I accepted my wife's neglect. I was a fool not to pursue obvious clues and anonymous phone calls telling me that she was running around. I still believe that my wife is selectively hiding more sexual affairs and find it difficult to believe that she'll ever be totally honest. She says that she is sorry, but even that statement comes off as being insincere. I have to say, sorry for what. She gives me little factual details and frequently cites reasons like I don't know why I did what I did, or I was feeling bad about myself. I have come to the conclusion that my wife needed the validation of many men and enjoyed seducing them away from their wives and boyfriends. She also seemed to enjoy showing off to her girlfriends in a dare like attitude that she could lasso a particular man. This behavior seems to have started during her teen years and followed her though our marriage. She even started off by blaming me for her misconduct. To make matters worse, she admitted (just one of her affairs to our grown daughter). Why would she draw in our children into this mess? Now, as counterintuitive as it may seem, my daughter will not communicate with me. My wife now has many serious medical problems. Her income is limited and she could not survive financially without my income. I know that in my heart that I could never abandon her. I want to be well again and put this nightmare behind me. What recommendations does the community have? I am hurting badly. I have tried individual therapy, church, and even hypnosis with only fair results. My last attempt to learn all the truth may be accomplished through my wife talking a lie detector test costing $750. & comes with no guarantees.
I was not perfect as a husband or father, but did not run on my wife, was not a sexual prune or hit her or the children, and brought my pay check home.
queston responded:
Wow--and people here think I was stubborn about staying married. I think there's only one piece of advice that anyone is going to have for you: get out. From your description, I really can't imagine what about your marriage is worth keeping.
fcl responded:
"I want to be well again and put this nightmare behind me. "

Finding out all of the sordid details of your wife's behaviour is not going to achieve this. It doesn't matter how much you find out, you are never (do you hear me? NEVER) going to be satisfied that you know it all. You've tried every other conceivable type of therapy so now it's time to ask yourself what exactly you are hanging on to and why?

Frankly, wanting to know the details sounds like self-flagellation to me ...
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
An_256614 replied to fcl's response:
Kick that whore to the curb. File first take her money, the kids take everything you deserve it. Most importantly go see a shrink and find out what is wrong with you for want to keep that whore!!!
sluggo45692 responded:
I can't give you any advise on forgiving her. The main reason I can see why your hurting and nothing is helping is you keep opening the wound. You let her tell you about all the men she slept with and all the times she has made you look unmanly by flaunting her latest piece of meat to the neighbors.

Now after how ever many years of marriage, she wants to tell you about it. She's also sick, so she knows you'll keep her. My question is "Is it a STD or HIV". You might want to get checked. I have no sympathy for a cheating spouse. I really don't have any use for one that rubs it in the others face.

To top it off, she's telling the kids about it. Is she saying that because the children aren't your? There's a huge chop to the ego.

I was and am a good husband, father and bread winner. I didn't cheat, hit or lay around drunk. I thought I was good in bed and I have been told that by more than one woman. If she wanted for anything, I tried to get it for her. She still slept with the maintance guy. I don't play sloppy seconds with my wife and nor would I expect no other MAN to do the same. "Forsake all other's" is in the wedding vows.

All of this is my opinion. She lost the right to have a good husband stand by her, when she keeps throwing it in your face that she's a catch basin for other men.
My suggestion to stop hurting as bad is cut out the poison in your life. Let the other men she was sleeping with take care of her.

I don't see you as less of a man for trying to help someone in need, even if they have done you wrong. Just don't let it destroy you in the process.

Good Luck
brutallyhonest27 responded:
Hi I know your post is old but I do feel I know someone who can help you as they have been in your exact situation I do hope you see this and respond back so we can exchange info, also that you are doing well. I looking forward to hearing from you.

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