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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
Whirlwind
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An_257151 posted:
My husband and I have been together for 4 years now. In the course of our relationship, he has attempted to have affairs three times. The only reason that it never ended up being a sexual affair is because the women knew he was married and said no. Had they said yes, he would have went through with it. I recently have just found out about the third one. For months, I felt like there was something wrong. Something off. He would not have sex with me as often, even if I would beg for it. He stopped communicating, being affectionate, just all the way around closed off. Well, finally, I got tired of asking him if anything was going on. So, I texted his managed at work and discovered the truth. He had been hitting on, requesting sex, fluirting with, pursuing, complimenting, etc. a waitress at work. I was devastated. I kept thinking, what the hell is so wrong with me? I'm the one that has been here through thick and thin and this is what I get? I was so angry I couldn't see straight, but I was so hurt I just bawled my eyes out until there were no tears left. I begged him for a reason and he still cannot give me one. I did alot of research online on how to cope. I have come to realize that the affair is not my fault. He did not do this because of me. If there were problems that we needed to work on, then he should have approached me like an adult and worked them out like married couples are supposed to do. Some of the problems in the marriage might have been might fault, but it was not my fault he chose to handle them in an inapproriate disgusting manner. Since finding out, he has quit drinking all together. Has devoted more time to me and the kids, been more present, has allowed me to openly express my anger and rage and sadness and hurt. Everything. I believe that we can make this work eventually. I know I love him enough to forgive and forget. My question is, how do I get past this? How do I forgive? I find myself planning for the worst. Having money stashed away, back up plans if it doesn't work. I recently got a higher paying job so I can be prepared in case it doesn't. Are these things wrong or am I entitled to them because of the lack of security I feel because of this betrayal? Just feel lost in a sea of emotions and questions with no answers. Is there really a way to fully come back from an affair? I have also started exercising, being more independent and self suffient. This incident has taken a huge toll on my self esteem and I am doing everything in my power to not let it affect my view of myself. Any tips on anything I've stated? I feel like an absolute mad woman not knowing which way is up or down or right or wrong?
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stevesmw responded:
First thing you need to decide is whether the marriage can be saved or is worth saving. If you are 100% sure that it can't, prepare to move on. If you are 90% or less sure and can afford it get marriage and individual counseling. Since he has shown some interest iin improving things, whatever the reason, get him to agree to marriage counseling.

I can make a lot of guesses about why he is acting the way he is. The key issue is at some point communciation broke down or was never there in the first place. You can think about what attracted him to you. Mistakes were made and the more you know about yourself, the less likely you are to repeat them. He has a lot more serious issues to deal with like betrayal and not opening up to you when something is bothering in. Drinking is always a bad sign
 
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An_257151 replied to stevesmw's response:
I agree with the more serious issues part. But, am I wrong to be hiding money? Hoping for the best, preparing for the worst? My fear is that he will give up, walk out, or cheat again, and me and the kids will be left with nothing. I feel better knowing I have a safety net. But I also feel guilty for keeping something from him.
 
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stevesmw replied to An_257151's response:
Same issue for you as him; getting caught. You have legitimate concerns and it makes sense to protect yourself. Getting caught stashing money could get you in trouble. You are married; community property.
 
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bigred53 replied to An_257151's response:
No you are not wrong imo. I remember as a child our uncles telling me and my female cousins that we should always be able to take care of ourselves because you never know what can happen. You are trying to protect yourself and your children. Their well-being is the most important thing in this situation.

I hope everything works out in the best possible way for you.

Michelle
 
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fcl replied to stevesmw's response:
You've worked through part of the issues but are having trouble with the remainder. Honestly, the only thing that can help you now is counselling - for both of you and separately. Even if you decide to go your separate ways, counselling will help you fix your priorities and decide what you need to do.

Hiding money is perhaps making you feel more insecure about your relationship rather than reassuring you (as you had hoped). Remember that everything that was gained during your marriage is communal property - this includes your earnings, his earnings, retirement plans, insurance, etc.

If you reach the point of no return, consult a lawyer ASAP. He has obligations towards his children (and you) and cannot just walk away from that.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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An_257151 replied to fcl's response:
Thank you everybody for all the input. It really helped put things into perspective quite a bit. I'm really glad I found this support group because my emotional resources are very limited at best.
 
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An_256614 responded:
why would you keep this dog?? do ya think so little of yourself that you deserve this Dump the mutt and move on into a good realationship
 
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An_257151 replied to An_256614's response:
Fear of being alone probably. And the children. I grew up with divorced parents, and just think at all costs, if it's worth a try, then do it. Also, I don't wanna have regrets in life. So I like to do try and do everything possible so when I finally do walk away and give up, I can say to myself "I literally tried everything and it couldn't work" so my conscience is clear, and that way when the day comes I can look my kids in the eye and be honest and sincere when telling them I did everything I could.
 
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An_256614 replied to An_257151's response:
I would rather be alone. I would not want my kids to see that I am something just be sh@tted on. You have tried. Is it it better for the kids to see that you are strong and have become stronger because of all of this. That there comes a point where moving on, and having a life is the best thing.
 
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An_257151 replied to An_256614's response:
Where do I begin to do that? Or to heal from the emotional tragedy? I've never been alone. EVER. I wouldn't even know where to start. What if I make a mistake and he can change? then what do I do to live with the regret that I gave up to easily? So many questions in my head. It's a whirlwind.
 
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jamieseadorf responded:
hello dear, how are you doing today, i am so sorry i have not write to you, sorry for my late reply.I i will love you to reply me as soon as possible so i inform you on what to do my dear. i leave you now bye for now, have in mind that any day above the ground is a loving day[br>this is my email write me soon as possible ok (jamieseadorf@yahoo.com)
 
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Anon_475 replied to jamieseadorf's response:
Getting desperate?


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