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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
I've been dating a man for almost 3 years. When I first met him he told me he lived with family. After months into the relationship I find out he lived with his ex wife of 13 years, and had lived with her for ten years after the divorce. We lived together briefly for 6 months at our own apt, where he brought her to have her check it out. He would always be leaving and having reasons and excuses to return to her house from getting his mail (which he never had forwarded), to watching his socceer games, using her wifi, or having to go to her house to apply for jobs etc. We lost the apt due to him losing his job and me not making enough to support us, and I had to move in with my dad, and he moved in to his ex wifes again. I'm tired of his constant need and dependency on her. It makes me feel like i'm not good enough because I can't take care of him. I mean she's always at all his family's functions, she buys him things all the time. Now he's in his new office at work, and she bought him his lamp, and pictures he's decorated the office with. It actually hurts me. I love him so much, and he is one of tbe few people in my life right now after all the loss i've currently endured. I don't know what to do. Then theres major issues with communication and respect between us, and also intimacy issues. He accuses me constantly whenever we have a fight that im seeing someone else. Or he gets extremely mad and jealous if I talk to a person of the opposite sex. Which isn't fair. He's also a local comedian here where we live. And I go and support him at the shows even. We've done that since we started dating. And mind you this means I sit all alone at a table in a night club while hes performing and hanging out with his friends. Sure he buys me drinks... but he buys everyone drinks too. Now all of a sudden im being shunned, and told why do i have to be with him all the time... So, here we go again. I have only a couple of girlfriends... He hates both of them. If I mention I was with my friend, its an instant fight because he gets mad. So what choice do I have? Its like he wants me to be alone doing nothing. But hey i'm pretty enough to show off as his girlfriend. So confusing. Then the intimacy thing has been sex once every two months. With himbeing satisfied and no concern for me or my needs. I dont understand why. I finally got us a place with a work situation I have thinking that would help make things better between us. And not so much. There are still fights... We have sex more often, but hes not pleasuring me. Like at all. When i've brought up this topic before in the past, he tells me, "It disheartens me that you put so much emphasis on sex. You know it's not the only part to a relationship. Its a very small part." Wow... ok. Really? I honestly feel like i've lost all my senses. Are there any solutions to this maddness besides breaking up? Or is tis it? Hes 45, im 42. His ex? In her early 70's. Yup... Theres so much more, but i think this is enough to start with. Would somebody please help me out here with some well thought out advice. I mean i obviously love this man, but is it enough?
Take the Poll
What do I do?
Do I say goodbye and end the relationship?
Do I give him an ultimatum?
Do I run screaming to the nearest psychiatric hospital?
Do I accept things, and keep quiet internalizing my feelings?
Or forget about it and watch sappy romance comedies?
Celt I'm sorry but you've got to be kidding. Dump that loser and the sooner the better. He's never going to give up his 'mommy' for you. You don't even have a good sex life. You're young enough to find someone who is an adult and will treat you right.
Thank you Steve for taking your time to respond to my post. To answer your question, yes im afraid of being alone right now. Ive gone through a lot of changes lately... I was married for twenty years, left the marriage 3 years ago. Im still dealing with the pain from that. Then I moved in with my father into my aunts house, and my father fell ill in Nov 2013, and had a series of mini strokes and then had a massive stroke leaving him bed ridden and was labeled hospice. I cared for my father by myself, im an only child and my parents seperated when i was in my late 20s. So i was alone caring for my father. He passed away March 28th, 2014. My mother also suffered a massive stroke in April of 2013, and lost her speech and mobility as well. So i have suffered great loss in a short period of time. I do suffer from depression and anxiety. Im very much afraid to be alone right now. I only have a small handful of people in my life. My father was my last person i truly felt connected to who could understand me. And if i break up with my relationship, i feel it will be. too devastating for me. I know i sound like a sad case, but im feeling so isolated and alone right now... i really was searching for solutions to.my relationship problems, and not doing something so drastic like breaking up. I want to give love and want it in return. I want to be respected and honored. I want to be cherished and for someone to care as much about me as i do them.
I understand where you are now. At some point you will be ready to move on.
You can figure out the relationship yourself. What is he looking for? What are you looking for? You have made the effort to please him. What does he do to please you? Can the relationship become more balanced?
You say you only have a handful of people in your life. It's much better to be surrounded by people who care, even if they are few, than by tons of disinterested acquaintances. Are you getting professional help with your pain and grieving? If not, then I really, really strongly suggest you do. It can help immensely with your quality of life.
I think you know that this guy is not the one for you but you're scared to let him go because you would be losing yet another person from your life, right?
One day you are going to wake up and realize that it hurts more to stay with this guy than to leave him. That day a bright new door will open in your life and a weight will lift from your shoulders.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
You have no choice it seems to me except to kiss him goodby. He is too selfish to live with and only thinks of his needs. He is also a dependent type of person, you don't need that in a man. I don't see how you could love a man who didn't return that love. You are just his play thing, to be there when he needs you. If he reallly loved you he would be considerate of your feelings too, which he doesn't. So I say kiss him off and look for somone single to really love you,he is out there somewhere you just have to find him. Good luck and God speed!!
From your posting (and your follow up explanation of the sadness you've recently gone through) I get the feeling your fellow is dating his "mother" (honestly; someone 30 years old than him who buys him things and lets him move back in when he has no other place to live?) and you're so afraid of being alone you're half willing to take the crumbs of affection and time this man throws a you. The other half of you knows you deserve more.
It is hoped that soon this second half will develop the strength to leave this "mama's boy" and either find someone who will treat you right or realize that yes, it's perfectly fine to live by yourself.
Yes Gail. You are correct. I know I deserve more than a man who relies on a mother type figure in his life. And my sadness is blanketing my decision making process. I just want love so much right now. Arms to hug. Warmth and tenderness. Understanding and compassion. I want to be enough for the right person. I want to be the one and only woman they truly need. I want someone to take the time out of their day to be here for me. Someone who cares about my needs the way I do theirs. It hurts knowing he communicates with his ex on a daily basis. I just can't seem to wrap my mind around it. At the same time I cant imagine him out of my life. Its like a pain that could never leave.
Thank you for responding. Im trying to get professional help through state insurance. Its been a bit of a struggle. In the meantime I've been meeting with a Chaplain regularly, and just attended a bereavement support group here at a local church. And yes, breaking up with him would be another huge loss for me that I don't think I could handle.. And honestly i'm not sure i want either. I do love him. We can't really help who we fall in love with sometimes. Whether or not its good or bad... Some say im settling. I call it trying to be accepting. Trying to make sense of it. I mean at my age people are gonna have baggage. I try be understanding and accepting and loving, however its very hard when I know I can't provide any financial means except for this condo i'm paying the rent for with my caregiving job I have. So sometimes I feel inadequate... I know its just me though. Im literally starting my life all over again from the ground up, and right now i'll be struggling. So I need to believe in myself and heal from all my hurts... Then maybe I can have a clearer mindset, set some healthy boundaries, and make wiser choices based on myself and my needs. I've always put others needs above my own, but I need to be ok with being selfish every now and then.
Hi Celticlover, I'm very sorry for your loss and I understand this is a very hard time and fragile time for you.
I would like for you to consider a few things. One is you said this: "I want to give love and want it in return. I want to be respected and honored. I want to be cherished and for someone to care as much about me as i do them.". Please consider you're not going to find that person as long as you're trying to accept being treated like crap by the man you're with.
Second is this: You believe that leaving this man will be like another loss for you. I say that you are losing by being with him and I believe you would actually have a weight lifted from you by not being with him.
Third: I believe you're holding onto him because well he's something/someone to hold onto right now. And maybe that's alright for a minute, but some point you need to understand he's doing you more harm than good.
There are times in life that we fall in love with a person or an idea of a person and what it could or should mean to be with them, but it doesn't mean we need to be or should be with them. Sometimes it's best to love someone from afar. Sometimes all the love in the world isn't worth being with someone. When love hurts more than it heals it is time to let go. It doesn't mean you have to hate him, and maybe he serves some purpose in your life at the moment. Just remember those things you listed that you want from a man are very realistic things! You can have them and you deserve to have them! Once you start to require those things from a man you will have them. Take care of you
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
I have read your postings and explainations. I'm sorry for your loss of parents and having to care for them. Our children shouldn't be care givers, if possible. It's to painful and the last act of love we can give to our parents is to give them the best care we can provide. As for this leach your in a bad bad bad relationship with, throw him to the curb. Don't pass go, Don't collect $200. (Monopoly game) Get his freeloading, life sucking A*S out of your life. I know your hurt and lonely. So does he and he's using it to bleed you dry. Don't compromise, don't give him an ultimatium, Just DUMP him. Let him go back and sleep with his "mother" GF. You are not the bad partner in this relationship. Don't let him tell you any thing else. You tell him to go and don't call back. It's painful, it sucks, and it's the best thing you can do with a cancer. Cut it out of your life, body and heart. There are good men out there. Some time you got to pick a few bad apples until you get the one you want.
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