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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
Testing your mate/date
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Spankyrae posted:
Had this convo with BF last night about testing each other. Not a heavy talk, just light-hearted. I mentioned how he's ornery & how I think sometimes he does things to test me. He agreed but when I asked him what's he testing me on (and why doesn't he just ask me what he wants to know?!) he hemmed & hawed and so I let it go.

I wonder, do other people do this in their relationships or in dating? I think I've done it more on a subconscious level, like joking about us being married or having kids, to gauge his response. Nothing serious or manipulative though, & I don't feel that his intentions are this either.

But when I was dating, I think I was testing more frequently to judge how that man would fare up for a longterm relationship: things like having him around my niece/sister to see how he acted with kids. And I've heard that men will pick on women or do these little tests to see if the woman could be a contender for the same or for marriage. Have you done this or been the "testee?"
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jason1022 responded:
I have been on both ends of this particular situation. I did it when I was younger. It was a way of me seeing if my wife was really into me or not, and just seeing how she would handle certain things.

People often will tell you what you want to hear, especially when you're dating. Its a way of figuring out if that persons cares for you the way they say, or if its just talk. My wife has done the same to me, but she trys me. I think she wants to see how mad she can make me.

I can control my anger until someone goes way too far, but other than that its pretty hard to make me mad. Unless its dealing with my kids.
 
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3point14 responded:
I HATE this. I would never, ever do this to someone I was dating. I have never and would never put someone in a situation to see how they would react. I think it creates illogical assumptions that do not take into effect extenuating circumstances.

Like, I am VERY anti-having kids. I adore kids, but I do not have any desire to be a Mom. An ex of mine took me around his cousins, and afterwards was like "You're going to be a great Mom one day" and I went POSTAL. If I want to get judged like that, I'll fill out an application for a job.

If I'm dating someone, I want our experiences to be spontaneous and organic and simply what they are. If they want to know something about me, or my feelings on something, I would much prefer to be asked, or to have the circumstances occur naturally rather than be treated like an animal on display at a zoo.

Hahahaha No offense, Spanky, and I see the reasoning behind doing it. but tests take away the feeling of discovery when you're getting to know someone, in my opinion.
 
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BabyLovesPrada replied to 3point14's response:
"An ex of mine took me around his cousins, and afterwards was like "You're going to be a great Mom one day" and I went POSTAL. If I want to get judged like that, I'll fill out an application for a job."

That made me laugh, thanks, besides you will too busy babysitting my kids to ahve your own, LOL

hahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah
 
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TheDeepBlue responded:
I'm sure I did this when I was younger, but these days I'm through with games. If I want to know something I just ask, and I expect an honest answer for my DF.
However, he has tested me early on in the relationships. He would push some buttons and see how I react. I told him I was not into the testing crap, and of he wants to know something just ask. I'll be honest.

I remember once I snapped because he had admitted to putting me though a test and I told him I felt like a lab rat with a #2 pencil in my hand and like he was standing there watching and waiting for me to pass of fail.

He no longer does it that I am aware of. I think (hope!) we've gotten beyond it. And I've passed all his freaking tests, LOL.
 
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IslandL responded:
Not deliberately. I don't think it's ever occurred to me. But I think there have been times after situations when I've thought to myself, "Oh, he passed the test on ...". Lol.
 
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3point14 replied to BabyLovesPrada's response:
I LOVE being an Auntie! hahahaha <3
 
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sallyfirst responded:
How come jobs will ask "Where do you see yourself in 5 years" but people in relationships rarely ask that?
 
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IslandL replied to sallyfirst's response:
"How come jobs will ask "Where do you see yourself in 5 years" but people in relationships rarely ask that?"

Perhaps because in relationships you can never really know where you will be in 5 years.

This is also true of jobs which makes it a bit of a BS question to be asked in interviews.
 
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3point14 replied to IslandL's response:
I respectfully disagree, Island. I think it would be a great question to ask. I think the key in it is asking where you see yourself not where you for certain will be. I feel like by getting an answer on that, you can determine a lot about a person, like their ambition levels and long term goals, even if it doesn't wind up being the case.

It's not a question I'd use to plan my life around someone, but like for me if I ask someone that and they say "A father in the South" I can ascertain that that person and I don't have the same long-term image of what we want our lives to be. Even if they aren't taking active steps toward that goal, I'd be able to see that my image of the ideal is not the same as theirs, and could use that to help determine how much effort I wanted to put into a relationship.

That being said, sally, I believe people don't ask that because they're afraid of the answer. I think they're afraid to also come off as desperate, clingy, because some people would make the assumption that they were asking "Where do you see US in five years?" .

I also think, though, that more people should. I personally would dislike very much being in a relationship with someone who wanted totally different things in life than I do, and if that took me years to find out, I would consider it a personal failing.
 
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IslandL replied to 3point14's response:
Part of getting to know each other is finding out if you want the same things in life or not. You can try to short cut that by asking up front, why not? But people can and do change what they want in the course of 5 years. Often.

Man plans, God laughs.
 
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jason1022 replied to 3point14's response:
My used to ask me that all the time before we were married.

Jason do you see us still together in the future, about 5 or 10 years?

Jason do you see us married in the future?

I know why she asked me those questions. She wanted to know where I stood, and if I considered settling down with her. I felt bad, I didn't answer the first few times she asked me because, we were young and didn't have kids yet. And, I didn't know where I was going to be myself. Career wise speaking.
 
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SUPdude responded:
I've gone "fishing" sometimes ( fishing for a compliment, fishing for likes/dislikes etc. ) and mostly thats all it is.....

Unless...........

If you keep hearing the same question over and over, it will need to be discussed.

Having someone around kids/animals can be very revealing about said person. Children and pets can really pick up some things about people that are VERY perceptive.
 
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Spankyrae responded:
I'm on the fence a bit with the tests... I also feel like, why not just ask me what you want to know? But like Jason said, you may not get the most honest answer... and yet, if you test someone, you may not get a true answer either.

I think the concept of testing can be childish depending on the intention... I dunno, I pick on people just to instigate, and he's always done this with me. But he also cracks jokes to lighten the mood if it's heavy, and will respect when I'm not feeling like them. I still wonder if he's tested me... perhaps his response was just a silly test.

I like the thought of asking that question of where you see yourself in 5 years... and that's it's really a gauge of HOW you answer it, not where exactly you see yourself, whether it's a job or relationship. So I'm thinking of asking it. : )
 
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IslandL replied to Spankyrae's response:
Ask and report back


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