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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
I Confess
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YESTERDAYSCHOICE posted:
I confess that my husband is taking his anger out on me again. He does not like where we live and the pressure of house payments, bills and life in general is making him very depressed and yesterday he had to deal with a member of his family and he exploded on me. I love him but am getting really tired of being blamed for things that are beyond my control.

Just needed to vent I guess. He doesn't feel that he did anything wrong and my feelings were so hurt but I'm supposed to go on like nothing was said.
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stephs_3_kidz responded:
DON'T get yourself in the habit of going on like nothing was said!! Please don't. Stop this pattern now. Stop the behavior, stop letting someone push you around when they're in a bad mood!!

Y'all need marriage counseling, you need to talk this out thoroughly. Don't be where I was for the first 7 or 8 years of my marriage, where EVERYTHING was my fault, I ruined everything, and anything DH did/felt/said, I brought on myself. Don't let it continue to happen.

It took me a long time to realize how to change things, so I told DH if we didn't get some counseling our marriage was going to end. Set it out straight to him. Financial strain is very difficult, so maybe think about seeing a credit counselor? Maybe putting the house on the market and downsizing?

There are lots of steps you can take to be proactive about fixing your marriage, but I'll tell you from experience (almost 14 years of it) that letting things fester and settling into unhealthy patterns, is absolutely destructive.
 
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fcl responded:
He thinks that it's OK to treat you like a verbal punching bag? Well, it's NOT. You do not deserve less respect than anyone else because you're his wife - on the contrary.

Steph makes some good points. He needs to stop focussing on the problems and turn his attention to the solutions. And yelling doesn't help anyone. It's time he accepted that you are a team and that teams get things done faster and better than master and scapegoat.

Tell him that you will not be treated like that. Next time he starts just walk away and tell him that you'll listen when he calms down. A grown man should be able to master his emotions.

Above all, respect yourself and do not be a doormat. Not to anyone.
 
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YESTERDAYSCHOICE replied to fcl's response:
I know that I deserve to be treated better, I have been to counseling sometimes I just have to get my head back together. It is hard when it is repeated so often, it makes me think that it is all my fault even when I know that it is not. He is not a bad husband he just has his bad days and sometimes his bad weeks. We had our house on the marked for more than two years but the market is really bad where we live and no one can sell anything right now. Thanks for all of your help, sometimes I just need to hear someone else tell me that is ok for me to feel the way that I do.
 
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stephs_3_kidz replied to YESTERDAYSCHOICE's response:
((HUGS))

It IS hard to separate yourself from what you're hearing all the time and what you know in your heart is the truth. My DH used to get mad at me, and start saying some very mean, hurtful, and untrue things. I would cry and think, 'God help me, am I really so awful as he's saying?" A lot of it was immaturity on his part and not REALLY knowing how to be in a loving marriage.

I remember what it's like to be there, and it's not fun.

You have every right to feel angry and upset with him. He has NO right to treat you that way. A husband is supposed to love and honor his wife, not try to make her life a nightmare.
 
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yumbug responded:
I was in almost the exact situation and in both situations, our husband's were wrong! There is absolutely no reason for your husband to show you negative emotions because of pressure and payments and where you live. I think he is misunderstanding that he can tell you anything he wants to, but it is how he speaks to you that counts. I would suggest you talk to him and tell him that you dislike it and that it bothers you. And rather than him yelling and getting an attitude with you, he try to discuss it with you calmly in a positive way to find solutions. And in return you can comfort him and let him know you understand where he is coming from.

Unfortunately, if this doesn't change, my next step would be to seek advice from a marriage counselor. A counselor will have better tools to help you and your husband work together in a calm manner rather than your husband becoming frustrated. We understand that these things are out of his control, but his reactions to them do not make them right. And you, as a loving wife, do not deserve that. It is a problem and it needs to be fixed. Its unnecessary stress that you both need to rid yourselves of.

I hope you and your husband are able to work this out. I'm sure when you begin discussing it rather than fighting about it you will see your marriage take another step in the right direction.

All the best.


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