Couples Coping Support Group

I'm so sorry Jason. I've read of this kind of thing before on this forum. It just boggles my mind that women lie about possible paternity when they find they are pregnant. The truth usually comes out and when it does it is so hurtful for everyone.

I don't have any advice for you, just a (((hug))).

A hug is something I need right now. I've been trying to stop drinking, but it seems like it only hurts when I'm sober. Drinking gives me an outlet for my pain. I don't know how to deal with it. She still my daughter in my heart, but from now on I'll always know she doesn't have my blood.

When are you going to tell her? Tell the other man? What does her mother have to say about all this?

Be careful with the drinking Jason - it can so easily become a problem in itself.

I know I should tell her, but I really don't want to. I want to keep her as mine. I don't want to give her up for anything. I feel that if I tell her she'll want to get close to him, but I want to still be her father.

Have you ever seen a grown man cry his heart out? That's what I've been doing for the past few weeks. Its feels like someone torched my heart.

I think counseling would be very beneficial for you... not only are you dealing with a separation from your wife, but also the form of separation you're feeling about AnneMarie. That's a lot to deal with all at once, and how you're choosing to deal with it now is not gonna help. It's just gonna add to the sadness. I'm sorry you're having to endure all this. I wish you warm, healing energy & thoughts. Please, take care of yourself. Counseling could also help you determine what to do in this situation, which I'm sure you are torn on.

Jason, she WILL ALWAYS be your daughter. She doesn't have your DNA? So what? She has ALL of your love...

You are the only father she has and the only father she will ever have.

Right now, you need to talk to your wife about this to decide what to do. What is to be gained by telling AnneMarie that you weren't her sperm donor? And don't give me the excuse about needing to know her family medical history. Many, many people (think about all the children who are adopted all over the world) never know their family medical history... Heck, I don't even know mine and I grew up with my bio parents but they didn't think it was any of my business ... .

Think it over carefully... does she really need to know about this? Do you really want to shatter her world (because it will) for the sake of "truth"? It is potentially explosive information. You could turn her against both of you. What would it do to her sperm donor's family? Bringing this out into the open could cause an untold amount of pain to a lot of people...

I very much agree with Spankyrae that counselling could only help you.

I'm very sorry you are going through this. I agree with FCL. The original occurance was 10-11 yrs ago. It's a shock, yes. And is only as devastating as you make it. You have built a good, happy marriage, and family. Don't destroy it with something from 10-11 yrs ago. Talk with your wife to discuss what each of you feel and think. And definately seek counseling for this.

I'm sorry but I have to disagree with some of the other posters. I believe it's a person's RIGHT to know who their biological parents are. Yes, it will come as a shock to AnneMarie (and the father's family-though HE apparently has always suspected the truth) but, secrets have a way of coming out. Wouldn't you rather your daughter (and she IS still you daughter) hear the truth gently from you and her mother, rather than finding it out some other way? A way that could hurt her more?

You apparently live in the same town as her bio-father and his family, so if AnneMarie and your sister noticed the striking resemblence to the other little girl don't you think others will as well? And figure it out? Don't you think the little girl at the mall went home and told her family she saw someone who looked just like her? What do you think went through her father's mind? And honestly, as painful for you as this is, don't you think he has a right to know he has another child in the world? If you were in his shoes, wouldn't you want to know you had a little girl from a woman who never told you?

This is really hard Jason, and I agree with those who've said the best thing you can do right now is to get counseling. NOW. But keeping this a secret only protects your wife - and who knows for how long? This kind of information coming out can be devasating for young adults. It might be better to explain it while AnneMarie is still a child and very much connected to you.

Good luck my friend and please do seriously consider the counseling, for yourself first and then your family.

Lisa

((((HUGS)))) Jason, I am so sorry, I agree with FCL that even tho she does not have your DNA she is still your daughter.

I agree with Island L that you should tell her.

I agree with Spanky that counseling is in order, or at the very least get a gym membership and beat the crap out of the punching bag, 99.9% of the time, after a good workout you can release SO much frustration you will not feel the need to drink. Drinking may temporarily numb the pain, but it does not fix anything.

I wish you the best, please keep us posted.

I can understand where your coming from, only that my son's biodad and father actually know the truth. Just having to explain all this one day to my son terrifies me...but I will when I feel he is emotionally stable enough to handle and process the situation, I have awhile as he is only 2yrs old.

My advice (or lack thereof as im not here yet) is she will always be YOUR daughter. It will come as a complete shock maybe, or maybe your the one who will be shocked. You'd be surprised at how much kids pick up on. I know for me ,id take time to process it myself and then figure out a way to explain it. To be completely honest, DNA doesnt mean a damn thing,in terms of being a good father, having a baby or making a baby doesnt make you a "mother" or a "father"...its all in actions. Trust that you have instilled the qualities in here after all these years that will let her understand and cope. If she needs you let her need you,your HER FATHER...so go do the fatherly thing and explain and then console....

I think counseling is also a good idea, individual and family. If the other guy wants nothing to do with her,his loss....take it a step at a time...

Good luck!!!!!!!!!!!1

I also disagree about keeping it a secret from AnneMarie. Medical history is important to know, but moreso, she should know that she has additional family. A child can never have too much love in their life, and if has relatives that don't know of her or vice versa, they should. She is a child but I don't believe in sugar-coating or hiding the truth from kids. A nutshell version of it is probably best, but truth nonetheless.

I never had a relationship with my biological father. The man I consider my dad has been in my life since I was 3, but I always wondered about who my father was & his medical history.

Moreso I wonder about my siblings and other relatives (especially now that I know my father is dead). I wonder are any of them artists? Do the women in the family have the body shape like me, since I didn't get it from my mother's side? Do I have more nieces/nephews? What were my relative's history/ancestry? I truly enjoy connecting with others and yet I haven't been able to do this. That's something that could be important to AnneMarie, even at her age.

The fact remains that you have raised her all her life, she is your daughter but she does have a biological father who deserves to know his daughter--she is technically ~his~ daughter after all.

It's not like he abandoned her. He's had his suspicions and your wife didn't come out with the truth until confronted with it face-to-face. Her bio dad has done nothing wrong. Your wife is at fault here.

I personally am disgusted by a woman who had suspicions that her husband was not the father of her baby but buried her head in the sand and expected everyone else to do likewise. This should have been taken care of YEARS ago but you can't change the past.

Forget the fact that the ex-bf gave you "grief" when you and your wife first got together. Turns out the "grief" he was giving you was fact, and not rumors, so you have no reason to be angry with him.

He has every right in the world to know his daughter. She's been kept from him, so he's a victim in this, too. Should he have spoken up and demanded a DNA test? Maybe, but if there were doubts in your mind and your wife's, y'all could have done the DNA test a long time ago, too.


I have to disagree with darlyn. You and your wife DON'T have a healthy marriage so this is going to be harder to fix, if it CAN be fixed. Myself...I couldn't get over something like this. Your wife has been deceptive, but at the same time, there were THREE adults involved who could have cleared it up when the AnneMarie was born, and who chose not to. All 3 of you turned a blind eye. The only thing that surprises me is that you all chose to wait 10 years to do something so simple.

I'm not saying you have to abandon AnneMarie, you've raised her as your own and you're the only father she's ever known. But the fact of the matter is, there's another person involved who has every right in this world to get to know his daughter and be an active father figure in her life. Then again, maybe he won't even want to be in her life, who knows?

As far as your marriage, that's all up to you. But I think you owe it to AnneMarie to be honest with her. You don't have a right, IMO, to keep such a secret from her. If she finds out the wrong way she may hate you and your wife for not being honest with her. She has a right to know, and she should hear it from her parents.

I have to say also, that this reminds me of one of my aunts. She had a baby and refused DNA tests and let her daughter's potential fathers hang in limbo for 15 years. For some reason they were not aggressive enough to pursue a court-ordered paternity test.

Anyway, her favorite saying was "Mommy's baby, Daddy's maybe".

Ugh. She thought it was funny for some reason to play that game.

Stories like these make me favor mandatory dna testing at birth. If we had it, dishonest women would not be allowed to "decide" who they wanted to be their baby's father - causing both child and father(s) so much grief later on.