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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
I confess
An_184598 posted:
I confess that I have decided that it is time for me to get revenge for the things that my husband has done. I don't know for sure that he has had an affair but I know that he has talked to several other women.
I don't want to have an affair just do some flirting, dancing etc. I have never even kissed another man since the day that I met him.

He has told me many times that he isn't sure that he wants to be married anymore. He just wants to know what else is out there. Well guess what I would like to know too! I don't want to lose my husband but I don't want to be the little wife sitting like a fool while my husband has a girlfriend behind my back. Am I just asking for trouble??
confusedinmich02 responded:
I think that maybe you guys need to sit down and talk before either of you do anything. Maybe get therapy for couples. Not to be miss goodie two shoes but two wrongs don't make a right. Even if it is just dancing and flirting you might feel bad about yourself later. thats just my two cents.
An_184599 responded:
Yes, it's asking for trouble. It's also very immature. If your husband isn't sure he wants to be married to you, how is flirting with other men going to help? How can getting revenge possibly make your marriage better? If you want to stay married, take the previous poster's advice and get marriage counseling.

On the other hand, if you both want to see what else is out there, then you should get a divorce.
stephs_3_kidz responded:
I don't want to lose my husband but I don't want to be the little wife sitting like a fool while my husband has a girlfriend behind my back. Am I just asking for trouble??

I think you knew the answer to that when you posted.

Two wrongs never make a right, and confusedinmich02 was right when s/he said that you will probably just feel bad about yourself later.
3point14 responded:
If you both want to live singly, why bother staying married? You don't want to lose your husband, but you do want to flirt with other men? Come on.

Marriage isn't some hole you stumble into, you are an adult and you made a decision to enter into a legally binding contract with another adult. If he has broken that contract and you are considering the same, why stick around with a liar? Why debase your behavior for some cheap thrill of being persued? If you take energy away from your marriage, how is it supposed to get better?
fcl responded:
Yes, you're asking for trouble. Tit-for-tat is not a good problem solver. If you want your marriage to survive you need to communicate, not seek revenge.

It's actually quite simple. Either you both seek counselling to help you get back on track and learn to work towards a successful relationship or you get divorced. Don't step outside your marriage - why lower your standards?

Could it be that you are both just bored? That you thought marriage was the be-all and end-all? That it doesn't take any effort on your behalf? Well, it does ... It should be written in the wedding vows that "thou shalt strive to keep your marriage interesting and fulfilling"

Do you go out often together? Do you have children? How is your sex life? Do you (both of you) look for things to make it exciting? Do you have times when you sit and just talk?

Just a few random thoughts off the top of my head ...
BabyLovesPrada replied to fcl's response:
I agree with everyone 100%
Before you judge someone, walk a mile in their shoes.....which works out great cause then you are a mile away AND you have their shoes............ ME 33, DH 30
YESTERDAYSCHOICE replied to fcl's response:
I know all of you are correct about it not being the answer to anything but I am just fed up with the situation. I have been married for 25 years and have 2 grown children. He has been signed up for dating services for over a year. I confronted him with it, I went to counceling and he did get better but now he is back to his tricks. Yes I think he is bored. We have a very enjoyable sex life 4-5 times a week. He says that he doesn't want our marriage to end that he just wants to be able to "have fun" and still be married and I can't handle that but I don't want to lose him either. He is good to me most of the time, just has a bad temper, some verbal abuse but basically we have always been very close. We spend a lot of time together every day but he also spends an hour or two online viewing porn or whatever he is doing just about every day too. Thanks for listening and giving your opinions. Don't know what I'm going to do.
BabyLovesPrada replied to YESTERDAYSCHOICE's response:
I am sorry ((HUGS)) I wish I had some advice for you.
Before you judge someone, walk a mile in their shoes.....which works out great cause then you are a mile away AND you have their shoes............ ME 33, DH 30
stephs_3_kidz replied to YESTERDAYSCHOICE's response:
How awful. I am SO SO sorry you're going through this.

He's a terrible person, honestly. I personally do not know how you can stand to have sex with him.

He is mean to you. He's cheating on you. He's addicted to porn.

And he wants to have his cake and eat it, too--you're enabling that. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this? With someone who holds you under his thumb because he knows you don't want to leave?

Where--WHERE--is your self-respect??
An_184600 responded:
Tell your husbands friends that he has secret fantasies about them and that he wants to be with a man. Tell them to keep it secret because he would not want anyone to know you told.

That will be revenge.
wwilson89 responded:
Is sounds like neither of you are 100% committed to your relationship with each other. Why are you hanging on to a man that potentially doesn't want to be with you? I think you have a couple options here, but I don't think playing with other men behind his back would be the best one. He's telling you he wants to know what else is out there, you want to know as well, but it sounds like neither has the balls to walk away. Hope one of you grows a pair.

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