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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
Like a little sister.....
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lioness_10 posted:
I have a bestie lets call her Caty. Caty is 17 and pregnant. Her fiance is 26 and is wanting to settle down and start a family....which i understand dont get me wrong....but he is trying to get Caty to marry him when she turns 18.

I can tell right now that Caty and her fiance will not work because:

a. she is not ready to get married, she told me this herself
b. she feels unsafe when he is angry
c. they have a huge lack in communication and trust

I feel that i cannot say anything to her because i got married 2months after i turned 18. Which for me wasnt a mistake at all but i was also ready for the commitment that came with it Caty on the other hand is not.

She came to me for advice and i feel that i couldnt say anything to her because that would make me feel like a hypercrit...

Do you think i have right to say something or not??
~THE EXCEPTION~
Reply
 
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SUPdude responded:
26 17= wrong.

You had better say something for reasons a,b and c. Especially b and c.
 
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cjh1203 replied to SUPdude's response:
Especially b. If she's afraid of him when he's angry, he's probably going to end up abusing her. He could also end up abusing the child, too.

Have her answer the questions on this page: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm.

And let her know that a man who is scary now will only get more scary once they're married. She can love him more than anyone has ever loved anyone, and if he's an abuser he'll stay an abuser.

If you don't think she'll listen to you, try to think of an older person she respects, and see if you can get her to talk to that person.
 
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lioness_10 replied to cjh1203's response:
have told her all of that....but she always said he is different behind closed doors, more sweet, understanding, etc, and i feel that i cannot say anything about that either because i had the same situation , behind closed doors thing, because my husband was the same way towards me when we were together in the beginning as well wht do you advise that i tell her....i just dont want to feel like a hypocrit
~THE EXCEPTION~
 
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ImMe26 replied to lioness_10's response:
I dont really consider anyone an exception as far as marriage.

Im currently 26yrs old. I was married when I was 18yrs old,we had been together 3yrs before that and had two daughters. We lasted almost 9yrs together. Have been split for the past almost 4yrs.....I thought I was the exception too...I was young,had kids young, was married to a black guy..the whole nine...See your only the exception til "something" happens ,then your the majority....

Not to down play your marriage or anything...just giving insight...now to your OP....

Your friend sounds like she really needs some advice and came to you for such...but you feel uncomfortable giving your particular situation, understandable..but I would as a friend tell her how I feel,and offer support. This may be a pivtol point in their relationship and being there for her ,could make the difference.
Don't put off tomorrow, what you can accomplish today!! Procrastination is a KILLER!!--ME(26)SO(28)DD1(10yr)DD2(8yr)DS(2yr)SO's-DD(8yr)DS1(6yrs)DD(5yr)LUV THEM ALL ALWAYS WANTED A HUGE FAMILY
 
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isabellin responded:
just because you got merried 2mo after you turn 18yo, it doesnt mean that you cant tell her anything, that doesnt make you a hypocrite. It makes you what you are "her best friend" and best friends protect between them. So i think you should tell her that. But i dont understan how she is not ready to get merry but yeah she got pregnant and she said yes on merrying the guy. It makes no sense to me...but what can you tell her? she already said that shes not ready, i think the person who suppose to be posting is her..what kind of advise was she asking for, if shes not sure she needs to talk to him and let him know her conserns and the way she feels when his angry..
 
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isabellin replied to lioness_10's response:
just tell her to make sure that shes not finding escuses for him. but she already said shes not ready to get merried shes not ready to settle down eventhough shes carrying his child...
 
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cjh1203 replied to lioness_10's response:
If she said she's not ready for marriage, why in the world is she considering marrying him? It's not something that's easily undone, and going through a divorce isn't much fun.

If he has a nasty temper when they're in public, you can bet it carries over to when they're alone, even if there are times when he's sweet and understanding. Abusers can be exactly like that -- it's a way of adding to their control and manipulation.

If she is already afraid of him when he gets angry, how could she even think of exposing their baby to that? She is supposed to protect the baby and make sure he/she has a stable and loving home. It would be beyond irresponsible to bring a baby into a home with a man who your friend finds scary.

The problems in their relationship are not going to magically disappear when they get married. So many girls have this fairy-tale idea of what marriage will be like, but anything that is a problem now will only become a bigger problem with time.

There's no reason for you to feel like a hypocrite. Just tell her all the reasons you think that marrying this man is a bad idea. If she's determined to marry him anyway, she needs to get him to pre-marital counseling with her, and she needs to remember that if he ever abuses that child, she had warning that it could happen and she chose to ignore it.
 
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lioness_10 replied to cjh1203's response:
FOR EVERYONE HERE....she hasnt said yes yet thats what she was enquiring about....

she loves him and you cant help who you love and he has a daughter already that he is absolutley amazing with...

she loves the idea of being married and having kids....or else why would she be pregnant....

she just doesn't know if she wants to miss out on partying and "the hunt" and so on and so on....
~THE EXCEPTION~
 
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lioness_10 replied to ImMe26's response:
just because your marriage failed doesn't mean i am not the exception....I AM THE EXCEPTION.....and the reason i say that is because if you new my husband no 20 year old women in there right mind would be able to handle my marriage and husband...not in a bad way AT ALL either....

so dont say im not the exception when i very much know that i am
~THE EXCEPTION~
 
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3point14 replied to lioness_10's response:
You can't help who you love, but you can help what you do with that feeling. And if you choose to get impregnated by and then married to an abusive, controlling man that scares you, that's a choice, not a disease you came down with.

And in terms of the partying and the hunt, yeah she will miss it. Definitely. But she has to decide if the marriage/babies thing is worth losing that.
 
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cjh1203 replied to lioness_10's response:
"she loves the idea of being married and having kids....or else why would she be pregnant....

she just doesn't know if she wants to miss out on partying and "the hunt" and so on and so on..."

Reading that makes me want to gouge out my eyes.

If she's that concerned about partying and "the hunt", she's not ready to be married or have a baby. Unfortunately, it's not possible to go back in time and get un-pregnant. I have a feeling she's in for a big shock when she actually has a baby and finds out it's not 24 hours a day of cuddling and cooing, and dressing the child up in cute little clothes.

She sounds very immature. I hope you can convince her not to get married.
 
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Sweetpea0916 responded:
So if she does say yes to getting married, that is the only thing standing in the way of her partying? It's not the fact that she has children? I understand that people who have children don't just shrivel up and become couch potatoes when they have kids, but I am about to have my first child, and my hard core partying days are done.

I think you have a right to say something, but she has a right to ignore you too. I think you wouldn't be living up to being her "bestie" if you just let her walk in to this without telling her your thoughts.

Where is her mother or father? Letting a 17 year old be taken advantage of by a 26 year old? There is a criminal element here, let alone a moral one.
 
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Sweetpea0916 replied to Sweetpea0916's response:
Sorry, just re-read a previous post. I thought she had a child already with him, but you said HE had a daughter. My point still stands though...the child she is carrying should be a driving factor in not partying so much.
 
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fcl replied to lioness_10's response:
"she just doesn't know if she wants to miss out on partying and "the hunt" and so on and so on.... "


Oh my goodness, she is in for such a shock. Having a child is going to put a damper on her social life much more than getting married ever will. What planet is she living on? Or does she expect her parents to take care of her baby while she parties?

Also, if she reputedly "loves" him why is she thinking about "the hunt"? She loves him despite the fact that their communication is nil, that he scares her, that rhey have no trust in each other ... Hmmm, not a great recipe for a successful marriage, is it?

"she loves the idea of being married and having kids....or else why would she be pregnant...."

Are you saying that she deliberately got pregnant? Is the father aware of this? I think she's in love with the idea she has of being married ... and needs a serious wake-up call.


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