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    This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
    3 month Ex-Boyfriend is back --calling on FCL, Daryn05 3point14, IslandL or anyone else on input
    green3121 posted:
    Hello everyone!

    Once I again I would like to kindly request your opinion on my situation. I have found your input extremely helpful and really appreciate it. Ex-boyfriend called last week saying he is coming back for a weekend and wants to take me to a common friend's wedding as a date. He says he has not forgotten about me and still thinks a lot about us. All this after I have already done quite some work trying to move on with my life and put our relationship behind. Based on logic, on your replies to my post and own self conviction that this was what i needed to do. We had such good times when he was here I kept wondering why he did so much to make me happy and please me in so many ways. I felt I got what no woman has ever gotten from a man ever. But on the other hand he is confusing me with his behavior. as to what it means that he has not forgotten about me and wants to see me when everything was over when he left. I haven't agreed to be his date for the wedding I agreed to talk to him only. I want to see him in person and hear what he has to say. Needless to say I have been going crazy trying to see what I feel and what I should do. I have already RSVPed for the wedding there is no turning back on that. What are some of the things that I can for this wedding/visit something that won't hurt me. What will be the best approach to take?

    Thanks again. I look forward to your replies.

    back in june I wrote:

    I had a relationship for three months with someone who I know from the beginning was going to leave after such time. It was clear for both of us we would not see each other ever again after that. All was wonderful and we had a great time together. He made everything so special by being caring and attentive with me. Things I never expected since we couldn't carry on with the relationship further. 2 wks prior to him leaving when I was experinsing some serious feelings for him he metioned he was possibly going to come to town in 4 months for a common friend's wedding for which I was invited also. I told him I was always under the impression that we would never see each other again. He said "I don't know". I was really upset because he was giving me hopes that we could continue when in reality that was not possible. I didn't show my anger and just told him that I didn't know either. Good bye was not easy. He kept telling me I should move on and find someone else. That he will contact me months later just to be friends. All that was said with the most straight face with no emotion whatsoever. I cried a lot not for him leaving but more at the fact that he wanted to keep me in suspense, change plans, not respect what we had planned, and minimizing my feelings by suggesting I go find another. He wrote to me a week later. Among other things that sounded condisending he said the time we spent together meant a lot to him. I want to write back and tell him i appreciate his words but also that I am upset.That I felt he didn't really value me as a person for wanting to change plans and making good bye even harder on me. It was insulting that he said I contacted his friends if I wanted to know about him. That if I wanted I could go visit him in some years ahead and meet his wife and kids. I want to be ok with him for all the wonderful things we had together but I don't think I can if I don't hear an apology from him. Should I write back and tell him how I feel or just forget about it and let him think I'm the happiest person in the world.
    cjh1203 responded:
    Saying he's been "thinking" about you is such a weaselly statement -- anyone can say that about anyone. It's completely meaningless.

    He's living his own life without you and, no offense, I think he called you just because he was going to be in town anyway. If he really cared about you, you would have been hearing from him on a regular basis.

    There's nothing in either your original post or the new one to indicate that he's interested in a relationship but, because you were so heartbroken when he left, you're reading hope into the fact that he's invited you to the wedding. I really don't think there's anything to be hopeful about.

    I hope I don't come off as being harsh, but if you do get your hopes up, you'll almost surely end up being heartbroken again. You've done the hard work of trying to get over him, and it would be will be so difficult for you if you backtrack and then have to do it again.

    Hard as it may be, the best thing is not to go with him. If you see him there, just talk to him briefly, like you would anyone, and then excuse yourself. I wouldn't accept any invitations from him while he's in town. The more time you spend with him, the more you'll get your hopes up and the more it will hurt when he goes back home and nothing has changed.
    IslandL responded:
    Thanks for re-posting your original one along with today's - that's helpful . I went back and reread the whole thread to refresh on you situation, and here's how I see it (remember, you asked me):

    You knew when you entered into a relationship with this man that he was only going to be around for 3 mos. You became very infatuated with him. When he left (as was always planned) you were very upset and ANGRY with him. You wanted to write him a rather 'you b*stard!' kind of letter because why? he treated you too well and then left? Mentioned he might see you again at this upcoming wedding? As far as I could see in your original post 2 mos. ago and this one, the guy was straight up with you. He was a great fling, but it was still just a fling to him.

    Today you ask, "What are some of the things that I can for this wedding/visit something that won't hurt me. What will be the best approach to take? "

    Since you are afraid you will be hurt just by seeing him, don't go to the wedding as his "date". Go with one of the other mutual friends, ideally a group. Spend the event hanging with them. You can speak with him politely at the reception ofcourse, "catching up" a little so to speak, but there is no reason to spend a length of time alone with him. Word to the wise: don't consume much alcohol at the reception. You've made some progress getting over your intense feelings for him, you don't want to feel embarrassed the next day by "letting it all out" to him after too much wine.

    You write there is no turning back in going to the wedding because you RSVP'd. Nonsense. A wedding is not childbirth; you can change your mind about going if you feel it will be too stressful - a setback for you.

    Whatever you choose to do, please keep in mind HE WILL BE LEAVING after the wedding. You need to do what's best for you and your peace of mind.
    fcl responded:
    HI. Forgive me, it's after midnight where I live. I'm not ignoring you but will get back to your post later. Sleep well
    green3121 replied to fcl's response:
    Thanks FCL I appreciate your note. Good nite!
    green3121 replied to cjh1203's response:
    Thanks cjh1203- He said that he made the decision of coming after talking to a friend and being miserable without me... that whenever he starts something he wants to finish it. Not sure exactly what that means. That's why I agreed to meet with him and talk. I have never expected anything from him and don't expect anything now. I just want to be at peace, give this a good closure and have a good time at the wedding because that will mean I'm moving forward. When he first brought up his possible visit I was upset because he was going against the plan and he was giving me hopes that there may be a future for us. So as a challenge I suggested a night stand (just to see what his answer was not that I was really going to do it or that I will). First he said that I will be up to me and then he said that it will be bad and it will set us back on our process of getting over each other. The truth is that Im not ready for something serious and that's why I went ahead and agreed to have this short term affair. Im feeling bad that he has not been able to get over me or that he may try make more of it because that was not the intent. I never gave him hopes either. I never asked him to find a way to stay or to contact me or to try long distance.
    green3121 replied to IslandL's response:
    Thank you IislandL--I can take harsh. I'm looking for a honest opinion even as hard as it is without being able to put all the facts on the board. My friends are too subjective to ask for advice. No I wasnt' upset that he left me. I always knew that was going to happen I was upset because he wanted to change the plans and come back to town. I didn't want that because 1. I'm/ was not ready to have a longer relationship and 2. I'm in the process of forgetting about him. However that is exactly what is happening. This wedding is the event of the year and I didn't want to miss it just because of the possibility that he was going to be there. I want to prepare myself the best way possible to be there and enjoy it. To some friends that I have seen lately and have asked I told them we were friends now. I did question him on the phone about why he wanted to be my date and what was the meaning of that. There was no clear answer. He said that he was miserable without me and that he made the decision of coming back after talking to a friend. That everyone in his circle of friends know about me and think very highly of me. Not sure what that means either. He also said that when he starts something he has to finish it. Don't know what that means. So I'm looking forward to talk to him and hope that it is just confusion and nothing else. I'm not ready for a serious relationship much less a long distance one. That's my reason for engaging in to this affair. Not that i dont value him he is an amazing person. He agreed and I didn't give him any hopes either. I never asked him to find away to stay, keep in touch with me or try long distance. He is just making it harder by telling me all these things. I want to know what he wants. If its sex that is not going to happen not part of the deal anymore.
    Spankyrae replied to green3121's response:
    So as a challenge I suggested a night stand (just to see what his answer was not that I was really going to do it or that I will).

    This is not a good look in any relationship. If you want to know how someone feels, simply ask. Which leads me to this: you are unsure of his feelings for you, no? If he really wanted to give it a go again, he would tell you. Instead, all he's said is he was thinking about you (again, he should also be direct in how he's feeling... this is vague and can be misleading) and has invited you as a date to a wedding, which is another signal that women can misread.

    Now that I've read the rest of your reply above... in response to the one-night stand question you posed to him, he said it would set you back in the process of getting over each other. That sounds to me like a clear sign he is not wanting to be serious with you.

    Don't leave the decision of closure or reopening a wound up to him. You're handing over your power that way. You can decide whether or not you want to see him again, and you sound like you don't want to, because you want to do what's best. I applaud you for that. Stick to your guns and be firm, direct and honest with him.... and don't feel bad about whatever hard times he is experiencing from you. That is his problem and his alone.

    Sorry to be so blunt. I just think the answer is clearer to you than you believe. You've been on the path to closure, and this is a test for you. Listen to your gut and continue doing what's best for YOU.
    fcl responded:
    I really don't know if I can add anything to what the others have said ...

    The way I see it is that you're getting over him quite well but you're not completely there yet. If you were, you would realize that if he chooses to be miserable, if he says he can't get over you it is not your fault.

    Go to the wedding and enjoy yourself. You don't have to be his date. In fact, you might find that seeing him in this kind of circumstance could help you get over him.

    You are in charge here and you're doing quite nicely. Please stop giving him straws to clutch at just because you feel sorry for him or because of some misplaced feeling of guilt. You had an agreement and now it's over. You are both free to live your lives as you see fit. Do not adapt your plans just to make him happy.

    Good luck and keep us posted!
    darlyn05 responded:
    Hey green3121!

    I have to agree with the PP's. In June you explained that you had developed deeper feelings for this man than you had expected considering the arrangement the two of you had for the short term involvement. I think agreeing to talk with him or accompany him to the wedding, and especially mentioning a one night stand, would do you more damage than any good for yourself. It's like you're opening that can of worms that you've been carrying around in your pocket. You've experienced a break up, regardless of the short term agreement, and it seems as though you were/are doing well. And anything other than attending the wedding as FCL suggested with a group of friends AND hanging with that group of friends as a group enjoying the event would be detrimental for you and the progress you have made. If he and you happen to start conversation during the reception and all, or happen to bump into eachother while you are there, keep it short, sweet and move on with the others in the group. I wouldn't want to be giving him any indication that anything further than what the two of you already had and agreed to, was an ongoing, open-ended, booty call(Sorry). Or that you are (still?)devasted or hung up on the situation the two of you had. I think it was Spanky who commented not to hand over your power to him, and IslandL calling it what it was; 'a great fling', and cjh1203 suggesting not to accept "any" invitations from him.

    Don't let him think you are the happiest person in the world, BE the happiest person in the world. That will speak volumns.
    IslandL replied to green3121's response:
    " I want to know what he wants."

    Why? If you don't want a long distance relationship, something serious, or sex with him - what difference does it make what he wants? And since you have spoken by phone, why don't you just call and ask him, outright what he wants, instead of waiting to see him at the wedding?

    You say you want closure. Okay. What is it you want him to say that you feel would give you closure? Sometimes when people say they want closure what they really want is an opening to resume the relationship. If you don't want anything more from this man than you've already received, you already have closure.

    If you want something else from him, you need to acknowlege what that is and address it directly. Preferably not at someone's wedding celebration.
    isabellin responded:
    there is a turning back, is not like you put a deposit that is not going to be refund. If you really want to forget about this MERRIED men, you just have to let go. What he want? what you think he wants? you should invite another guy-friend with you and let your ex go also then just talk to him and see what he needs to say and thats it, later continue with your date with your other guy-friend, it will be harsh but he deserves it. Are you just going to be his lover every now and then, whenever HE wants to? love yourself...
    tmlmtlrl replied to isabellin's response:
    That is quite the assumption that he is a married man. She never said that, but I suppose she never said why the relationship had to be limited.

    OP, if you have the strength then do what PP's said. Any movement towards him will be more work on you in the long run to get over. You had an amazing 3mos because you both knew it would only be 3mos -- like some romantic movie where two people meet abroad and have this incredible is not reflective of everyday reality. Tell him you prefer to keep it left the way it was/is. It has a good ending right now, you don't want to push for a bad ending. Talk with him and move on. Don't be his date. You both sound like you're full of mixed messeges to me. Your best bet is to be totally honest. There's no reason to fear honesty. The big picture is that he will respect your honesty in the long run and that will help him get past any hurt that he may feel.

    And maybe if he knows you enough to know that you are not into having a one night stand with him, he may be using his words to play you to hook up with you again while he's there. Idk because idk him, but that is a possibility. Probably the worst thing you can do is sit back and only react to what he does or says, you need to keep control of this and direct things the way you want them to be. GL
    cjh1203 replied to isabellin's response:
    What makes you think he is married (not merried)? She has never indicated that he's married.
    isabellin replied to cjh1203's response:
    yes she did at the end of her june post. she said he told her that any time in years ahead she can come and visit him and meet his WIFE and kids, read it please

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