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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
Life's tiny disappointments
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queston posted:
Last night, my wife and I got to bed a little later than usual. I get up an hour before she does, so this is a bit of a bone of contention for me. (I'd like to retire earlier sometimes, but she will only consider sex at her bedtime.)

She was doing something for our foster daughter, so I loaded and started the dishwasher (my usual bedtime task) and took the dogs out (her usual bedtime task). By the time I got to the bathroom, she was already in the bedroom with the door closed.

I hoped/fantasized that she was feeling all warm and fuzzy about me taking the dogs out and was putting on something sexy to surprise me with. (She knows I love this but rarely does it.)

I came in the door with great anticipation, and she was in her normal nightgown, climbing into bed with her book. "I only have a chapter left, I'm just going to finish it."

Great. Now I'm not getting any *and* I won't be able to get to sleep until even later.
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An_185038 responded:
I hear you.
 
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GuardSquealer responded:
at least you didn't take a Viagra in anticipation. That happened a couple times when I was feeling extra frisky. Now that is a true disappointment.
 
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Luca_Brasi responded:
Well my friend in that case I may have just waited it out until she finished the book, especially if " Mr Happy " was all geared up.
 
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GuardSquealer replied to Luca_Brasi's response:
Well with the viagra a warm breeze or a brush of the sheets is about all it takes. Usually it was something other than a book and it wasn't going to happen. I pretty much don't take it anymore, just because it seems to jinx me. Better to get a little something, than hope for a lot and get nothing.
 
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stephs_3_kidz responded:
queston, do you ever tell your wife exactly what you're feeling/thinking?

I think your wife is really cold toward you, and I (personally) don't know how you put up with it. I can't imagine having to live with someone who treated me with such disdain and indifference.
 
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queston replied to stephs_3_kidz's response:
Well, you might be right, generally, but I don't see it in this case. Her main "offense" was not wanting to have sex when I thought maybe she would.

I'd say it's a touch thoughtless to read in bed for a half hour when it's already past the time your spouse would like to be asleep, but cold? I wouldn't go that far.

If she seriously mistreats me (which I don't think this episode was), then yes, I tell her how I feel about it. Usually a short time after the fact, when I've had a chance to gather my thoughts.
 
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stephs_3_kidz replied to queston's response:
Oh, yes, I meant generally, not simply pertaining to this situation.
 
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goodguy82 responded:
Thanks for sharing I have never been married, so it is always good to learn from someone who is. Yes I do know that relationships are not all milk and honey, when that time in my life rolls around I want it to be great. But I do know things like this will happen from time to time, and her having a low sex drive is one of my bigest fears. Coping with a lower drive lover is hard I have been there, as of now in my life every day would be great but unlikely with most women I run into. Things like this can drive a person to look else where,and hate to say it but cheat if they do not have the will power to make it last.
 
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a_pugs_person responded:
Curious why you have to go to bed at the same time. Just because you hope she'll be in the mood and therefore you wait till she's ready?

I can sorta see hoping to 'get lucky', but not getting enough sleep, on top of not having sex and/or having your hopes/anticipations dashed, and still having to go to work and hold up those responsibilities as well as your household duties, can't make the situation any better.

Or maybe that's just me. I've always had a need for more sleep than most folks, so I was almost always in bed before my former husband.
 
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queston replied to a_pugs_person's response:
Yes, that's pretty-much it.

If I go to bed earlier...

1) It certainly reduced the likelihood we'll have sex

and

2) If we do, it will be when I've been recently sleeping. I much prefer to be fully awake for sex. I really like the kissing and and the buildup and the foreplay. My wife is more of a "lets just get it done" type. (This is one of the many ways in which we are kindof a a gender-role reversed couple). She is more open to middle-of-the-night sex than at any other time, in fact, but that is just about my least favorite type of sex.
 
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a_pugs_person replied to queston's response:
You wake up earlier than her, correct? Are you opposed to 'middle of the night' sex on your end or her end or both? For example, do you hate the thought of kissing her with morning breath - or whatever?

I ask b/c if you're getting up earlier than her anyway, AND she's open to middle of the night sex, perhaps you could go to bed at a time that's more convenient for you, wake up a little earlier and have sex before you start your day. Yes, you would have just been sleeping, but perhaps you will feel rested and not like you're having your sleep interrupted. It would be more like middle of the night sex for her b/c she could go back to sleep if she wanted. She also might be more relaxed and open to the idea of sex having not just finished a long day.

You also might get more foreplay by waking her up slowly, surprising her and building her up from a point where she wasn't expecting sex.

Maybe??
 
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queston replied to a_pugs_person's response:
Yeah, I've tried that. I can occaisionally get a few minutes of giving her oral (if I start there) before she wakes up and "demands" penetration.

I'm kindof conflicted on that. She enjoys sex more and is more likely to have an orgasm if we do it in the middle of the night or first thing in the morning. And I'm perfectly happy to do it her way some or even most of the time. But if I initiate in the night at regular intervals, then we never have evening sex, which I prefer.

As I said, I really like the anticipation, the undressing each other (or watching her undress, or, better yet, having her put on something sexy.) I like the lights on, I like the kissing (not all that pleasant when both have morning breath), etc.

I'm not a marathon man--I usually last between 6 and 10 minutes, maybe 12 occaissionally. So I find lovemaking sessions frustratingly short when we go straight to intercourse. My wife will orgasm quickly if she's going to at all, so this seems to suit her just fine.
 
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a_pugs_person replied to queston's response:
GAH! Amen to 'frustratingly short'!! My former spouse was easily aroused and wanted to go straight to intercourse. I was not so easily aroused and didn't even have time to get turned on before he was done.

It sounds like you feel like you are in a no win situation. Perhaps you are.

Have you tried date nights or scheduling sex?

We never did, b/c I always felt more pressured to perform and therefore less inclined to. But I know it does work for some couples.


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