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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
I am curious to hear how or if sex controls your life in any way. I know it has a big control over my life in the past and still does somewhat now.
In the past I have missed work, changed plans, done things I wouldn't normally do, driven hundreds of miles, spent money, ignored obligations, and more all in hopes of having sex.
Since my wife and I work different shifts, I have been on third since 1996. It sometimes takes planning for us to have time together. Usually I am hoping that the time together will lead to sex. Sometimes I have called off work hoping that the time together would lead to something. Some times it does some times it doesn't. Usually when it doesn't I get a little mad as I start thinking I should have went on to work.
I pretty much dropped out of college because I felt I would have better luck getting a girl if I had money. So I went to work instead. I think that plan back fired on me. But I have driven long distances hoping to hook up. I have driven hundreds of miles tired, hoping my wife would be up when I got home.
I think I could have been a lot more successful had I not had the distraction of sexual desire. I could get a lot more done if I could just ignore my desires.
On the weekends my wife likes to sleep in. So I will stay in bed when I should be outside working, hoping that when she does wake up we can have some fun before we get up. Frequently if costs me 3 or 4 hours. I am usually up by 7, while she can easily sleep until 10. And if she is in the mood add another hour, and I don't get started working on stuff until 11.
So I am just curious how you feel sex has controlled your life. Interested to see if it has the same control over women.
I am not sure that sex controls my life, but it certainly affects my life alot.
I have noticed that if I feel like I am starting to lose patience more easily w/ my husband, or if I start to feel the connection is waning, if I do the math, sure enough, it generally means it has been a few days since we have had sex. I don't know if it is the intimacy or the orgasm or both that makes us feel intensely bonded to each other, but if we feel any of these symptoms we quickly make a date for the cure. Works every time!
My husband would probably cite some of the same occasions that you did Guard. Oftentimes he stays up later than he should, or gets up later than he wanted to because he is patiently and politely waiting for me. And there are also times that I can't sleep so I wake him for natures sedative! Strange how he never seems to mind.
I had to laugh at FIYE's comment about being unable to fall asleep and 'natures sedative'. How true that stmt is, and for both genders. For myself, I have to agree with her on all points. I don't remember having to 'go out of my way', or put things on the back burner per se. Except with my H, which now I have filed legal seperation papers. My sexual appetite hadn't changed during our marriage and his did. He would also use it as a tool of punishment, or rather withhold affection and that of the such when he was upset or couldn't get everything his way or when I would stand up for myself. I could write more, but that belongs in a different post.
Oops! I just remembered someone I was with for a few years that had ED. We were still able to have sex, just not as it would've been if he didn't have ED.
Sometimes, I think sex is just completely off my wife's radar. I'm never like that. When we go to bed at night, to me there's always that drama playing out--will we or won't we. I think the thought doesn't even enter her head often.
Guard, I'm kind of on the same page as you are. I have spent money, time and effort on sex that should have gone elsewhere. I have stayed with awful, awful people because to me it was better than being "slutty" and seeking new sex partners. I definitely arranged my school and work schedule in a way that was designed not to let my sex life suffer.
Fortunately in my relationship, well, he's a 22 year old guy. He's pretty damn accommodating. Granted, it's still not as much as I would like, but I'm pretty sure one or both of us would have to quit their jobs. The only time I let it be a detrimental thing in my current relationship is if he initiates and doesn't follow through. There is nothing on earth I hate more than being "teased" and having that be unrelieved. He doesn't do it on purpose, but he'll start trying to fool around and then fall asleep, or have to leave for work, and it puts me in a very bad mood. Otherwise though, because neither one of us is like, Masturbation or Porn Police, I...I don't depend on him for gratification?, I guess? I'm not a cheater, but I guess more than sex, selfishly, I like orgasms. If he is unable or unwilling to provide, well, I have the internet! hahaha
...oh, you know me...I love the universe, I love all the listeners, watch it! Here's fifty-thousand watts of goodwill! (thepixies bam!thwok)
I used to get pretty grumpy if I thought I was going to enjoy having sex and then not. I actually feel that it was more hormonal than just being pouty. I tried to control that emotion but I just could not. If I was aroused and didn't get any, well watch out I was a bear. For a while it caused some tension between my wife and I.
You would think she would have been smart enough to realize what would lead up to me being so grumpy and at least throw a hand tuggie my way to calm me down. Seems it isn't quite as bad anymore since I have gotten a little older.
With my first wife I decided to see how long she would go without sex if I didn't initiate it. At the six week mark I was so mean that we had a big fight and that started the end of our relationship. I doubt if she ever even knew what was going on, since I never told her.
At this point in my life my penis is not my firend it is always there to remind me that I am single. With the sex drive being at a all time high I have to find something fast, but I do not want anything else but a relationship so I have to wait. My ex had a lower sex drive then me, so when she was feeling in the mood yes she had the control.
How would you end up with someone with a totally different libido ? They should be a friend, or a an occasional lover, not a wife.
And of course the sex drive's can change over time.
I feel a little more in control after my wife said she wanted more spontaneity. I pointed out that was her spontaneity, not mine she wanted. Plus I have a platonic female friend at work DW feels threatened by. So DW is making a point of being more affectionate, something my friend has no opportunity for, nor interest due to our age difference. But my wife knows my libido, so feels some obligation to take good care of it.
If you read this discussions enough you will notice one of the most common problems couples have are mismatched Libidos.
It would be great if we could all find someone that is perfectly matched to our needs and desires. And of course they might match at first, but over time things change. My life is no where the same as it was 20 years ago when my wife and I started dating. I know the first six months we had sex at least once a day. There is no way we could find the time for that now. Although I was we could.
Someone once told me put a penny in a jar every time you have sex before you get married. And then every time you have sex after your married and you will never take out all the pennies. Just wonder how true that would have been. lol
At this stage of my life I would have to say no, it does not control me. However, I believe that my partner and I have very similar libidos, and we do accomodate each other when the mood arises. When I was in my 20's though I am certain that it DID control my lifestyle to a large degree, and sorta like Guard I would become frustrated and edgy if I didn't have sex, after anticipating it.
Hey Aba7, did you ever swing over to that hot spot in Colorado you were speaking of ?
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