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Why Would My Mother Throw Me "Under The Bus" After Years Of Seing Me Wrestle With Depression
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havetolearntoaccept posted:
I am 60 years old and treated for depression since 22. I also was very sick for about the first 10 years of life. I had very high (105) fevers and even hallucinations and then grew out of around 12. Most of my adult years were very productive but I had to be on medication. Elavil until about 42 then Paxil. I also had therapy, mostly on, during all these years.There never was much talk about the depression because any setbacks I dealt with privately and everyone just saw me as very active. And from the early teens years on I was very obsessive about work, school, many hobbies and just having to prove my creativity. I thrived on it. My obsessions, which I know stemmed somehow from being sick and not like others all those early years, kept me from letting someone in long enough to end up settling down with.
Well I started to physically crash once I crossed 50. No meds would any longer help much and I ended up losing my 28 year job which I loved and it pretty much defined me.
Now I left home early and spent allot of time and money being very good to my family. I built my house into a castle and people (mostly family) came from all over to gather there for almost 20 years.
My health didn't improve after losing my career but kind of leveled off but I could still do a portion of the hobbies/work I used to do. But in late 2009, after a major crash and following ECT treatment, which didn't help, I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. Life has never been the same since. Almost all of what I once enjoyed just stopped. No more gatherings and by 2011 no longer attended many family events. Even though I now had FMS it was the daily bout with the resulting major depression that controlled my life. My family showed no signs of noticing what was happening to me. I had brought up my health issues at an anniversary dinner with my relatives in early 2011. No one said much. In 2012 I decided to try and talk to my family on Father's Day. My 80 year old mother grabbed my arm within seconds of trying to talk in an attempt to shut me down. Since then my mother has did everything in her power to make sure no one would know the seriousness of my illness. I since have been cut off from so many people.
If my mother would just open up about what I have lived with for many years then people may have understood how I ended up so dysfunctional. Even with 5 productive children, many grandchildren and a few great grandchildren she told me "her life has been the hardest". I actually hate her sometimes, even after all the great years and family get-togethers. I am haunted now wondering if she has always looked the other way through all my medical setbacks. Setbacks including those fevers which doctors have come to belief made my system vulnerable to not only depression, which on some level did run in the family, but other conditions not seen in anyone else in my large extended family. I understand, and can even accept what has happened to me (disabled now for MDD/FMS) but others have refused to accept and seem to be trying to convey that I either am not that sick or responsible for where I am now. Extremely unsettling. I don't see how I will ever be close to my mother and those that show no empathy especially seeing how good I was to everyone.
Are there others who suffered with similar nervous system issues from an early age and those around them just looked the other way.
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