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    An_253026 posted:
    I'm not sure how this all works but Ill introduce myself. I've been fighting depression and suicide for over 14 years. I've been clinically diagnosed 10 years ago and did the therapy and meds. I did therapy for about a year and haven't gone back. My dr still recomends it to me but I really don't see how it helped me. I've been on 7 different depression meds before I found one that works for me. About 2 years ago my dr diognosed me with anxiety as well so now I'm on meds for that too. I've been doing good. I still have my up and down days. The suicidal issues stopped after I had my daughter 8 years ago but I found on my bad days I still feel the need to hurt myself. Not kill myself but I cut just enough to help the pain go away. Haven't told my dr I still do that. I don't want to be sent somewhere or have my daughter taken away. I don't do good with being judged and mentally and emotionally abused which I've noticed happens a lot to me still by the people close to me. Just feel like I have to put up a front and keep all the pain hidden so it won't get questioned. I thought posting on here might help with advise on how to tell my doctor about things. I usually go to my meetings with him and say all is fine when it usually is not. My friends and family have known about my depression but they all think it is better because of meds. I don't feel better and i think they forget or don't care about the depression, which they think is all fine, and that's where I find a lot of my emotional and mental abuse comes from. Don't really know the next step. I hate crying in front of people so i feel that I cant talk about it face to face with anyone. If anyone has any helpful coping tips or anything that would be wonderful.
    makala21 responded:
    Hello, I'm sorry your feeling so bad. I've had depression for at least 30 years and have been on just about everything out there, I know it sucks. I hate taking meds! And they seldom work on me longer than 6months to a year if that. It's a disease that leaves you feeling very alone because there's no outwardly signs. And even though there are people who love you they can not possible understand unless they've been in your shoes. I wish I could help more, right now I'm really struggling myself, feeling really low. The best thing I can say is find a doctor that you can trust. Be as honest with your doctor and YOURSELF as much as possible,That's crucial. And finding a therapist is very important if you don't have family or friends that can hear your pain. Good Luck. I'm here
    1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on responded:

    I, like so many others in this group feel your pain. You said you tried therapy for a year and it didnt work. A lot of the time it takes years and a lot of work and soul searching before you start to see the benefits. Also, finding a counciler/therapist who you work well with is a huge step. You might have to try a couple before you find a good fit. the biggest thing you need to keep is mind is to be completely open and honest with them, you cant keep any secrets from them. if you are feeling like crap, tell them, they will help you work thru it. Once they get a better understand of who you are and how you cope with situations, they can develop a plan to give you the tools/coping mechanisms to make those situations easier to deal with.

    I am very glad to hear that you are no longer suicidal and I am sure you are a wonderful mom to your daughter, if nothing else use her as motivation to get better. The better you are, you'll even be a better mom to her You mentioned that you want to just put up a false front and pack everything away...coming from experience, that is not the right way to go about it. it's keeping those feelings inside that are eatting you alive. This group is a great place to just vent if you are feeling down or something has you upset, there are many people who understand and many who offer great advice.

    As far as your family knowing about your disease, that's great. The fact that you dont think they care or have forgotten, is probably because they know its a touchy subject. I'm sure they care about you deeply and want you to get better. People who aren't depressed really dont have any idea what it is like to be depressed. So to them, they might turn a blind eye, because they dont understand it.

    As far as talking face to face with someone, you're right, it is not easy. That's why it is super important to find a therapist that you trust and can be open with. Those tears aren't coming out for a reason, there is a lot of pain behind them. You crying is releasing some of that tension and pain that is built up. As a guy i willingly admit, that a good cry does the heart some good. I may look like crap the next morning but it helps me release a lot of angst and emotions. And im pretty sure you wont be the first person to break down on the couch In those sobbing moments, you can have a moment of clarity or realize how much you have been thru and you're still here.

    I would agree about the med's im not a huge fan, i took them years ago and they worked, but i am just not a pill person. but lately i have considered getting back on them, just to balence me out. I really do wish you the best of luck, you're so much stronger than you realize, when your ready, you'll find your way!

    makala21 replied to 1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on's response:
    It seems like we're on the same journey. I had so much therapy that I know all the lingo that goes with. I just started back with a therapist that is awesome. I thought I had talked about everything that there was to talk about, which is good. I thought I was done, but all the initial intense therapy was just talking about "what happened to me". But what I am now learning is what is still killing me and making me miserable is the residual. It's one thing to understand what things happened to you and that in most cases these things weren't your fault but how we learned to survive them are things are not necessarily useful today but that's how we survived back then. Now I am in the position of knowing I have to change my patterns of how I percieve my world. And the hardest part is finding acceptatance within myself. It's not about how others percieve you, it's about how we feel about ourself. Confindence, such a hard thing for people like us to have because we don't feel worthy of anything "good". Unfortunatley staying stuck and miserable is what we know the best and changing scares the hell out us because that may mean taking people out of lives that are not healthy for us even though we may love them. Being truly sucessful and content with ourselves is foreign. Trusting myself to make healthly decisions has never been a strong point since I've let myself down so many times.
    As my therapist is bringing me to realize it is so much easier to have someone else make my decisions, to a point. It boils down to me taking care of my little girl inside who got lost in the abuse. My little girl, Inner child is screaming for someone to comfort her, but in reality no one can comfort her but me. But that seems impossible when I don't trust myself enough to do that.
    It's a long journey maybe even a life time but by trying my hardest to be honest myself and my therapist it's the only way through this and I know it's so much easier to want curl and die but something in you says I do have worth, I do have a purpose, I do have something valuable to offer this world. I am important to many people.
    What sucks is when you get on your meds and they actually work those around you "ASSUME" there's nothing more to the story. The meds only help us muddle through it. Therapy and being honest with yourself and those you trust is the only way you can find you can find peace within. We may always need meds, who knows, since there is probably a chemical imbalance. But we are human and I don't think there's a soul out there that is "truly" chemically balanced ,it may be that they never had anything thing happen to them that wounded their inner child. And it could be anything from acholic parents who never paid attention to us or any other type of abuse. What happens to one person will not affect someone else the way it may affect us and visa versa. We all handle life's stresses diferent. Like the guy above said your much stronger than you think. We all are! And soon I hope you can find a therapist that you can trust enough to let it all out. They have heard it all and then some. For now don't worry about what others are thinking because that just brings us down more. Others can't understand our struggles because it's not their struggle.
    I am going to a retreat in a month or so about called "Healing Habits: Repatterning our Deepest Emotional Body " .
    I hope with all my heart that this will help me better understand how my mind works.
    good luck on your journey.
    I hope some of this made sense.
    makala21 replied to makala21's response:
    Oops, I just realized I responded to the last guys post. my post was for An_253026. Thanks

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