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    am i crazy for this or am i not?????
    chrissyzajac posted:
    have been in a horrible emotional abusive relationship that resulted in me taking our now 3 year old with me and left him 3 years ago. hurt so bad i swore off men and refused to even think of marriage being possible. i met this wonderful prince charming. perfect for me and treats my daughter and i like queens. weve talked about marriage in the future and everything. i recently went on his computer cuz mines broken (he knows i use it) and went to check my email. his was already logged in and i saw emails from random other guys saying they were gonna set up a all men gangbang type thing. i asked him what the heck it was for and he said it was an old bet him and his buddy were doing to see how many each they could get guys to want to. he swore on everything he cares about in his life he would not cheat on me and he was really sorry he didnt let me in on it. a few weeks passed and i find out hes still doing it. i confronted him again but since hes at work at the moment he cant answer. am i going crazy and being stupid for acting like this and having trust issues from the past ruin my trust now or am i right to freak out and demand he stops. ireally dont want to lose this guy if it turns out i was at fault but i cant help think hes lieing to me about this "bet". if i find out he cheats on me i will be beyond help depressed and will be shattered but ill leave him. other than this issue there is nothing wrong between us. please help!!!!!!
    An_253196 responded:
    Am I correct that your boy friend is sending and receiving emails about group rape?
    chrissyzajac replied to An_253196's response:
    its not rape. there would be a few other guys that would do stuff to him.
    cjpxx responded:
    1. abuse that caused you to leave - not crazy. Strong. You have to stand your ground when you're not getting treated properly especially if you know that you can't handle it any longer and that it'll get worse.

    2. taking 3 year old with you - only good if you are the more stable one. If you were the one causing the most stuff then the kid may be better off with him. Only you and him know that, and I wouldn't say one way or the other online.

    3. swore off men - that's not crazy but it's stupid. There's a lot of people in this world. Just because one person treated you that way doesn't mean the next person is going to. But taking time to fix your own issues is good, so you don't carry them into the next relationship.

    4. refused to even think of marriage as possible. Read he's scared she's scared. You have trust issues you need to work on.

    5. if you think he's a prince charming, he's not. Not to scare you, but you'll have hard times with him too. The deal is, you. You have to be strong, and the wonderful princess and you will get some of what you dish out. Make the best decision possible and make the best you can with that decision.

    6. treats you like queens - good!

    7. checking his e-mail - that's your trust issues. I don't think it's a problem because I believe that you don't hide anything if someone has your loyalty (from serious relationship on - not dating), but again - that's some trust issues of yours that will eventually get you into trouble.

    8. saw something you shouldn't know about. Depending on how serious it is, if it's real serious, I'd stay quiet about it and watch it for a while and find out more information. Investigators stay quiet till they have the info they want then they go after close to the root of the problem - not the tree branches - if that makes sense. if you want to be with this man, wanting to know what this was about isn't going away and with your trust issues, you're not going to believe much of what he says, so it may be better to find out more info before bringing it up.

    9. Asked him about the e-mail - Not crazy - but it was stupid to swear off all men - that doesn't make any sense. To consider that swearing off all men would fix all your problems, because companionship is good if you have the right companion, but after being abused, you're going to have to work through that with yourself and your kid. It wasn't stupid to take some time to heal first, but it may have been stupid to say something right away. That's OK. You already did it so all you can go by is what he says. You have to trust him. If you want to be able to still know things and check his e-mail, you can't make a fuss about something you see. Once you piss him off, that e-mail is locked. All he has to do is start using a different e-mail and you aren't going to be able to do anything about it unless you have mad computer skills. So probably all you can do is take it as a time that you guys worked on your honesty in the relationship. You said something and he didn't get mad? He didn't scare you? If not, that's good. If he scared you more, you're gong to be flipping out because of your trust issues. Not because of him because you have no information. Or you can go back to the information you have a determine if you think he is for sure lying or not. His story may just be an excuse but if it doesn't make any sense at all, then something's up.

    10. He doesn't know if he would cheat on you or not and you don't know that. You can't shut that door because if he does it may be because he didn't feel like he could talk to you about it. He needs to be able to be honest with you if he does cheat.

    11. really sorry he didn't let you in on it - let it go. He's trying. Sounds like a sweetheart.

    12. found out he's still doing it - again - going back to the investigator thing. You gotta pick and choose your battles and wait till you actually know what's going on.
    cjpxx responded:
    13. i going crazy - you need more independence so it doesn't effect you. You can't control what he does. You can only control the relationship. You can put work into the relationship or step away from the relationship. You can talk to him and communicate with him. etc. etc. etc. etc. but you can't control the e-mails he writes to people.

    14. I have the right to freak out and demand that he stops - well look - you are saying "I don't want to lose him if it turns out to be my fault" so you don't know what's going on yet. You don't have the right to demand from him that he stops if you don't know what he is doing. You might - when he gets home - say, "I don't want to talk about it right now" and give it some time until you know what's going on.

    15. If I find out he cheats on me... then give better sex. Be a better person. But there is no relationship that is going to succeed if you are worried about that and you know up front that if it does happen, you will leave. You can't be checking his e-mail for the rest of your lives to find out if he is loyal to you or not. it just won't work. You will draw up your own destiny by making him think you are crazy and then he will cheat on you whereas he maybe wouldn't have before.

    16. There is nothing else wrong - just take it to a pre-martial counselor. You'll be fine. Pick a Chrisitan one. if you are talking about marriage, it's time to go anyway before you are engaged. Calm down. Not a big deal. You are over paranoid, but he needs to understand you so that he can undestand what kinds of things are going to freak you out and you need to understand him so that when you do freak out, you can not get scared and leave if he is a good guy. You are strong willed enough to leave. That's established. So keep that strong willed nature, but don't over use it

    cjpxx replied to chrissyzajac's response:
    OK - now I see what the e-mail is about. That is something that definitely raises a red flag! Sounds like you need to know if it's true or not but I would keep quiet or build up so much honestly that he can tell you everything so that you know if it's true or not and play a game of manipulation in order to find out if it is true and then make your decision from there. Don't tease and encourage it, but build trust so that you aren't lied to. Don't be too demanding until you're ready to walk away but don't think that you have to pick up and walk away for everything either. For this e-mail - yes, I would think that considering leaving is reasonable - and only you will know the answer to that decision. Remember you make one good choice and then one bad choice. You're not making all good decisions yet so be careful and just make the best decision you can.
    rohvannyn responded:
    I can understand how you would be upset. It makes sense, particularly considering your past. Here is my read on the situation. I could be wrong, so take it with a grain of salt. I think it's possible that he might occasionally have desires for other men, or fantasies about other men, but since he is with a woman, he obviously can't really act them out at all. If this is the case, it would explain the behavior. It also can be very frightening and upsetting to reveal this with a partner, especially if you are afraid of what they will say. Hence the excuse making.

    He may not be intending to cheat, this may be just a way to indulge his fantasies.

    Again, I don't know if this is the case or not, but it's what my instincts tell me based on the information available.
    cjpxx responded:
    usually a gangbang is 3-5 guys on 1 girl as I understand. I have never heard of a gay gangbang but I guess they happen. it could have been a joke. Guys can joke around like that. Abused people have real trust issues, and an abused woman has a hard time making a relationship work with a prince charming. Having too sweet of a guy usually ends up with the prince charming getting hurt. You need more of an alpha male who deserves to get some crap but would never abuse. Abused people have anger issues and burst outs of anger. An abused person that feels very uncomfortable about something specific flips out about stuff that they have no reason to flip out on necessarily. There may be items about your sex life that you are uncomfortable about that ruins the mood for him - just because you have been scarred and especially if you've been with more than one loser. The biggest flirts tend not to be the best guys. Sometimes it's the guys like that who can be abusive. But if a woman who has been abused is getting treated right, she can end up doing the abusing, through knee jerk reactions.
    cjpxx responded:
    A person's true colors is what you're going to have to realize in order to calm down and trust. A person's true color's is a hard thing, though, and it takes time. It's a mix of who they are on their best days, worst days, and average days vs. who you are on all three of those. You add the three and divide it by three, maybe
    SharonNVirginia responded:

    I urge you to get professional help on this. Nothing I can tell you will help you out. You need a face-to-face with someone who will be in your corner.
    chrissyzajac replied to cjpxx's response:
    just an update on whats going on so far. i have an appt with a psychiatrist to help with my issues and he has told me he doesnt want to hurt me and refuses to lose me and my daughter so he deleted the email account all together.
    cjpxx replied to chrissyzajac's response:
    OK. That sounds a little extreme that he would delete the e-mail account all together. Are you sure it's actually deleted? I wouldn't even know how to delete my e-mail account. Shoot an e-mail over to it and see if it bounces back. Take some time. There is nothing wrong with time in dating. If you feel you will lose a person because dating them for a few years is going to be too hard on the relationship, then the relationship isn't strong enough for marriage.

    The psychiatrist will be good.
    cjpxx replied to chrissyzajac's response:
    well - don't know if that particular one is good - but probably. And if not, try somebody else.
    chrissyzajac replied to cjpxx's response:
    tried that. he really did delete it

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