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Living With A Fiance That Has Depression
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Brianna3 posted:
This is the first time I have am participating in a discussion like this. I have been with my fiancé for 7 years, but just got engaged with him in June 2013. He is a very hard working, smart man, but unfortunately depression is slowly taking over him. He just admitted it to me this week. I feel so sad because he is always agitated, especially after he comes home from work. I am worried because I think he just started drinking again after almost being sober for 4 years. This has been very hard for me and my 2 boys. I don't know what to do. He says everything has recently hit him like recently losing his insurance coverage and also saying that the migraines I get are a part of his problem, as well as me not being able to handle pressure. I hate the way he emotionally puts me down and acts like he ain't doing anything wrong. I think this discussion board is a great way for people like me to be able to openly with others that are going through the same thing.
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MercuryDawn responded:
I can see what you're going through.
In the beginning my boyfriend was very honest about his depression. I saw very clear differences when he was there and when the depression was talking, even the look in his eyes would change and I knew he was temporarily lost in the episode.
I knew which was which cause he never ever put me down when he was fully there. So when he'd come down, and his eyes came back, he'd talk to me very sincerely and honestly about where that other version of him comes from. He empathizes that I deal with it, and I sympathize that he goes through it.
But you have to separate the two. I hope he's a good person and deserves your understanding. And I hope you can be happy that he was honest about beginning to lose his strength to fight it off. It shows me he doesn't want to be this way, or lose his sobriety as he falls.
Good luck to you!
 
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SharonNVirginia responded:
Keep telling him you love him.

Keep praising his virtues.

Tell him these are hard times and many good people are suffering. He doesn't deserve to lose his insurance.

Take him out of himself. Get him working with the boys on their sports skills. Take him for a walk or a picnic.

Tell him how much better your life is with him. Tell him any troubles with him are better than good times with someone else.

Show him your love with words, work, physical affection, little gifts, your time and patience.

There is no gratitude greater than that of a depressive for the loved one who walks through the darkness with him and leads him back to the light.
 
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1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on responded:
Brianna,

First off, congrats on the engagement! And also to him for actually admitting his illness with you and kudos to you for wanting to work thru this with him. Honestly most people with depression, at least men, will try to keep it inside and not show anyone they are hurting. Trust me i know from my own personal experience. The male perception of depression is different from that of a female, most men, will think they can just "snap" out of it and everything will be ok. Which is obviously not the case. The fact that he is acting out and putting you down, doesnt seem that out of the ordinary, in his mind he is trying to put blame everywhere else, except himself. You health issues or behavioral issues have nothing to do with his depression. Everyone gets frustrated at certain things, but saying that effects how one feels emotionally is kinda silly. Sure he might get made or upset, but those are feelings of being depressed. Being depressed is feeling hopeless, useless, worthless, etc. Sure someone who is depressed might seem angry, but odds are they are angry with themselves and how they are feeling inside.

Sharon is right, be supportive of him. But dont go overboard, make sure you have clear boundaries set, otherwise he may become codependant. And just think, if he stays like this you will "take care of him". I am sorry to hear that he lost his insurance and I know the cost of counciling isnt cheap. But there are other ways to seek help that might be more cost effective. I dont know if there are any local college's or universities close to you guys, but if there is, many of them have a psyche programs. And students working towards that degree have to accomplish x amount of hours of client interaction, many times you can be seen there for a low fee or even free. That would be a good place to start looking. Also, if you look in the yellow pages, there may be a place you can call to get more information on affordable care.

One last thing, you have been with him for 7 years, depression usually doesnt happen over night. He has probably been dealing with this for some time. It just finally got to the point that he needed to reach out to someone he loved and trusted, to disclose his illness. So if I where you, i'd do a little leg work and let him know what you find out, that shows him you care about him getting better. I wouldnt be surprised if he met you with some resistance about going to counciling, most guys think they can "fix" it on their own. He wont be able to do the work, unless he is ready to get better. For me, it took a couple years before i was ready to open up and start peeling back the layers.

Hang in there!

IC
 
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MKGilbert replied to 1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on's response:
The worst thing you can do it turn away when he's down~don't tolerate abuse, verbal or any kind, but give him hugs, back-rubs, get him outdoors and exercizing if you can...Seek spiritual support. Without my faith in a loving Heavenly Father and the hope of Heaven where there will be no pain of any kind, I could not go on. My hubby has put up with my mood swings for over 30 yrs~we met about 32 yrs ago, and will celebrate our 30th anniv this winter~but it hasn't been easy. He's a very happy-go-lucky optomist/dreamer while I'm a natural pessimist, and have to fight the critical spirit I inherited every day~but as we PRACTICE doing what's right, rather than what we feel like, it becomes easier. I highly recommend the book, LOVE & RESPECT for any couple~it's the very best marriage advise I've ever seen~I was highly disrespectful, which made him withdraw and seem unloving, which put us in the "Crazy Cycle"...we much respect each other whether we think the other person deserves it or not~IT makes an incredible difference in any relationship! Love and prayers, MK


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