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Feeling worthless
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LostNLonely posted:
I have never used one of these sites before, but I don't know where else to turn and need an outlet. I suffer from depression and anxiety and take Celexa for it. I live alone and lately it has really been getting to me. I am almost 30 and all of my friends are married and having kids. I keep wondering what is wrong with me and why nobody loves me. I can't talk to my friends because they don't understand. I can't go see a psychologist because my health insurance won't cover it. I am a hard working caring person and I feel like I get taken advantage of by people because they know that I will never turn my back on anyone that I ever considered a friend. For the past few months I have been making stupid decisions like hooking up with an ex just to feel cared about for a little while. But afterward I just feel worthless. I feel like I let myself be used and I don't even have enough self respect to stop it from happening. All I want to do is sleep my life away. I am not suicidal or anything like that, but I often wonder what the point is of getting up every day. If I stay in bed with the phone and computer off then I can't make dumb decisions. I feel like I have hit rock bottom and don't even know who I am anymore.
Reply
 
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rohvannyn responded:
I've been there all too many times and I know how you feel. Thank you for coming here and reaching out.

The only thing I can do is tell you what has helped me when I've been in the bottom of "the pit," as it feels like, and that is distraction. I'll bump up my "help for depression" thread and it may have some tips for you too. Making a gratitude list can help, helping other people or even watering a plant can help, meditation can help, but mostly you need to find some way to shift your focus from your own despair to something outside of your own head. Even if it's just a little thing, just for a little while. You aren't a failure, you just feel that way. This isn't the real you. There is hope.

Developing self respect is key to this. Acknowledge at least one thing you do well. Improve what you say to yourself. Start treating yourself like a best friend. You are the last, best friend you will ever have. Every day try to do one positive thing, even if it's tiny. It's hard, I know it is, but it's possible. I wish you the best.
 
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LostNLonely replied to rohvannyn's response:
Thanks for your reply. I have bumped my meds up, but am still feeling crappy. I have so much to be grateful for and I know that, but I am feeling so alone. Sadly, last night I let it all take over and cut myself which is something I haven't done in years. I just didn't know what else to do. I used to have self respect...I'm not sure where it went. It is helpful to know that I am not the only one who has felt this way.
 
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rohvannyn replied to LostNLonely's response:
You definitely aren't alone. That I can tell you with certainty. Where did your self esteem go? Where does mine go, when it takes a holiday? That's hard to say. I think society has a lot to do with it, high expectations for ourselves, the stresses of life. Sometimes when I get really low down I try to remind myself that I am worthy of respect at least for the sake of the people who made me. That gets pretty thin at times, but it helps. I don't know what it is for you, but for me it's usually the depression talking, not the real me.

Here's something from an external source, then: You, as a person, have a right to be here. You deserve happiness, and to be treated well. You also have the right to express your pain and your truth, whether it's blogging, talking to people, writing in a diary, or painting. You are worthwhile just as you are.
 
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SharonNVirginia responded:
Your post could be entitled "What Depression Feels Like".

Roh has a very good idea and I'm going to expand it into a self-help checklist.

1) Pray for other peoples' worse problems. When you hear about someone who situation is manifestly worse than yours, pray for the Lord to bless that person.

2)Get outside in nature every day. Walk briskly. Examine and appreciate nature around you in all its forms.

3)Volunteer. I have volunteered with a program which cares for autistic children so their parents can have an afternoon with their other kids.

4)Watch your input. Self-talk can make depression better or worse. If you catch yourself saying "Nobody loves me". Turn it around. "I'm not willing to settle or to be someone I'm not just to have a man." Many, many people who are married with children know that they have made a huge mistake. Keep a written list of things you are proud of and refer to it when you lapse into negative self-talk.

5) Use daily, monthly and yearly checklists. At my most depressed I have used lists reminding me to brush my teeth, take a shower and do my daily Bible reading. When you are really down, just checking an item off can give you a shot of positive brain chemicals.

6) Set achievable goals and use #5 to achieve them. Any big item can be broken down into small items which are achievable. I had a huge house full of clutter which I needed to clean up to get on the market. I started with big items. Clean out basement. Then reduced it to smaller items. like fill a trash bag a day. Fill a box for charity a day. Pack a box for storage a day. It took me 10 months. The sense of achievement carried me through a very traumatic period.

7)Be honest with people about what you are facing. The ones who are positive and helpful you will continue to be honest with. The other ones are not really intimate friends because they LACK compassion or comprehension. Engage in euphemistic small talk with them "Oh, I'm fine-I was just down for a while." Ask the supportive ones not to gossip about you. Drop immediately anyone who isn't going to at least not harm you.

8)Don't let your insurance coverage determine your treatment. Sell stuff if you have to. Contact local government and ask for resources. Ask your pharmacy if they have a program to help. Pharmaceutical companies GIVE meds to free clinics. Remember depression is a disease. It is an imbalance in your brain chemicals caused by the intersection of your genes and your stress level. Not everyone realizes this yet. Don't let that stop you. Find people who understand, are sympathetic and will help.
 
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An_253221 responded:
In '07 we separated and I was extremely lonely and spending too much time in the house. I was STRONGLY encouraged to try volunteering. It gave me a place to go at a certain time and do a certain thing. It really made a difference. Picking out the right type of volunteer work is very important, so give yourself time in that regard. Believe me, getting out of the house for good reason is in itself a morale booster.
For what it's worth I have an application in to the local Red Cross. They have tons of satisfying stuff to do. Best Wishes
 
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An_253222 responded:
Lost,
I have found when my depression gets the better of me, I try to involve myself with someone else, it does not have to be a friend or family member, but just reaching out to others. There may be someone out there that is in the same boat you are, longing for someone to be a friend. no strings, just someone that cares. depending on your community, there are ways to get involved. look
 
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Overlord43 responded:
LnL

My Name is David suffered from depression since I was a teen. I'm 47 now however my level of depression has varied
throughout my life. I've been unemployed for 5 years and just am wrapping up six weeks of TMS Trascranial Magnetic Stimulation which seems to have failed but I have another week to go. This is maybe the second time I've participated on one of these sites. We have many of the same issues. A few idea's I have found useful..
First, I don't kick yourself for failing to take action on your depression today, just try your best tomorrow. Try not to dwell on what you have not done. Now I will recite a list of things to do tomorrow, but if you don't have the strength, don't feel guilty, try your best again the next day. Depression sucks
1. your meds are not working, change them. Tell whom ever is giving you Celexa to start you on something else
2. Exercise everyday that you can
3. Insurance may not cover therapy but if you can find a god one it might be worth it to spring for one session yourself. They could certainly help on suggestions for new meds or support groups
4. See if your insurance Company covers TMS Transcrainial magnetic stimulation. Look up NYT article on the subject from five weeks ago.
5. Consider getting a roommate, forces you to deal with people and can widen your social circle.
6. Yes, staying in bed with the phone and computer off will save on your utility bills but is sure to keep you on the Lonely category. It doesn't sound like no one wants to be around you but your depression is making you choose the wrong ones. Perhaps a short e-mail a day just to say hi to someone who is not married or has kids.
7. Today I decided to stop calling a so called friend who has been treating me poorly. It's kind of empowering. Try putting names of loser friends on scraps of paper put them in a hat and choose one not to call anymore. (I just thought that up by the way)

Ok, that's all I've got

"your so money, and you don't even know it"-Swingers
 
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dukesvader77 responded:
I find volunteering to be extremely helpful!! There is a feeling it gives you that you cannot get from anyone or get elsewhere, it also takes focus off of you and onto others who need your help. You will meet more like minded people, pick a cause you really believe in and want to help! There are a lot of people out there that feel like you do. I have an anxiety disorder, I chose not to get on medication, and I force myself out of my comfort zone, its really scary at first, but then I always end up enjoying myself and meeting new people. I just have to get over the anxiety attacks when I am trying something new, but its worth it in the end. I say try it. I volunteer at the Alzheimers Assoc and PETA. Feel better and I will praying for you!!
 
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MKGilbert replied to SharonNVirginia's response:
That is WONDERFUL advise, Sharon! I'm in my late 50's, have a family of 4 sons, with one married and 2 more getting married next year, a devoted hubby, but have moved every few yrs so feel like I don't really have any roots. Church is a good place to find friends, but realize that there are still social classes, snobs and hypocrites there just like there are everywhere~ I wish I could find a friend to do things with, too. I wish I lived near you, LostN'Lonely, so we could get together! I've been wanting to start a support group for people suffering from depression/anxiety/chronic illness, but so far haven't gotten it off the ground...I have gotten lots of support from email/FB friends, new and old the last couple yrs, but having someone to go hiking, biking, swimming, shopping (or whatever you like to do best) would be so wonderful! People like us need someone who will just come over sometimes and say~let's go~as we tend to hibernate. I have chronic fatigue along with the severe depression, which makes it hard to get out and do much of anything, but just being out in nature, or around others helps immensely. There are some days when I just can't be around other people, but most of the time it does actually help to get out. It seems that everyone is so involved with their own family and friends that they don't have time for us~when they never call, stop over or ask us to do something we take it as disinterest, but we just can't seem to come up with the initiative to "impose" on them!
 
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MKGilbert replied to Overlord43's response:
Your insurance covers TMS? and how do you afford insurance if you're unemployed? I was told by 2 MD's to try shock therapy, which I'm not willing to due to the possible memory loss, but the TMS cost's $7000, takes 2 months of almost daily treatments, and we have no insurance...Hang in there, David. The place we went to learn about it here in SD says all but one of the 13 pts with severe depression, who drugs failed to help, had amazing results. That one went back for some more treatments. Don't know how that turned out, but it seems to be very effective. I hope in the future it will be covered by insurance, and that we can afford it!
 
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MKGilbert responded:
One more thing~to all the other Lost N' Lonely's out there: You are precious to your Heavenly Father. He wants you to be his child~He gave His beloved Son to die for you. When I'm at my worst I imagine myself curled up on His lap, He's soothing me and telling me it will be OK~HE's always there to hold me. We need to learn to "go with the flow" and rest in His loving arms. I get so anxious, then when we don't get the bills paid on time, or whatever i'm so worried about~the world DOESN't cave in, and I realize all that worry was for naught~If you have the assurance of Heaven where there will be NO suffering~no physical, emotional OR mental pain or misunderstanding of any kind~it helps us get thru this life...without that hope I would not be able to survive...Praying for you! Love, MK
 
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kbriann replied to MKGilbert's response:
Thanks for speaking the truth! Jesus died for all of our sins and will never leave us or forsake us! Amen


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