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Help navigating boyfriends depression and loss
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MercuryDawn posted:
Hi, thanks for coming in. [br>I don't really know where to start, but I know I need help. [br>My boyfriend suffers from lifelong depression stemming from a very emotionally, verbally and physically abusive childhood. He and his older brother grew up bouncing back and forth from their narcissistic mothers emotionally neglectful/abusive home to their fathers physically and verbally abusive and emotionally neglectful home. [br>At moms, mostly no problems except there was NO love given. She decided to only save herself from the marriage and continue to send the boys back to their dads every other week. At dads they were beaten, and watched each other be beaten, as well as verbally abused to the point that as adults they still feel they're sh**. He and his brother would grow up to scream at each other and my boyfriend was physically hurt by his brother as well. All with both parents psychotically devoted to god constantly judging their children for their behavior...after being unloved and abused.[br>My boyfriends brother lost his struggle with heroin last year and overdosed. My boyfriend knows exactly why his brother couldn't handle life without drugs as he saw and shared exactly what he went through. Knows his parents are hugely responsible, and can do nothing about it because he won't be able to see his brothers daughter if he made any accusations, and it probably wouldn't help. [br>[br>We have been dating since we were 21, we're 27 now...and friends since 19. I'm very lucky to have a very honest partner. He's always been up front with me about his problems, where they come from and what he can't help because of them. So I've always known of his depression, the anger came a bit later but again he is honest and took responsibility for it. Telling me his blow ups are not because of me, he learned to be a yeller and fighter from his father/family. There was a yelling match everyday in his house(s) it was very much part of daily living. After every "episode", as we began to call them, we would have an enlightening discussion that really helped him(well both of us really) see that our love is real and we'll always have that. We've always intensely loved each others heart, mind and soul. He's made me feel like such a prize and I drew strength from that love, pushing me ever forward and helped me endure his ups and down. My love helped him realize that love doesn't hurt, life can be beautiful and he changed to be a better person in general. [br>Our real, current, problems developed after the death of his brother. I've completely lost him and hardly know who I'm living with. He doesn't have the same love in his eyes. I'm not sure if this is a phase of the grieving process or just reality. Hes been a wreck since the death, has nightmares and constantly sees his brother on a casket. His anger episodes also got very severe, which I can understand. But he began taking everything out on me. Which caused me to withdraw emotionally from him, out of bitterness and fear. I was also working full time to support us(he's worked a year and a half out of the 8 I've known him, he can't admit to himself that he can't work) so I couldn't always be awake when he'd wake up from a nightmare or cry over his brother. He also doesn't talk about it. It builds and builds and he blows up. [br>After a year of struggling, we're lucky to get along for a week now. I've grown bitter of being blamed for everything, while supporting us, and he's hurt I don't know how to help him cope with losing his big brother. [br>I've lost my perspective in dealing with his depression and I'm not nearly as empathetic as I should or used to be. He's lost faith and trust in me cause I withdrew myself. [br>I don't know where to go from here. I miss my boyfriend so much and he's right downstairs. Sadly I'm sure he'd say the same about me. I know he still loves me, and I'm waiting for this black cloud to clear a bit and maybe I'll get some of him back. Although I know he'll never be the same after losing his only brother and that he's hot many many hard times ahead. [br>We don't believe in medications, but I can't even get him to take natural supplements to help him. He won't see a counselor cause we can't afford a good one, but he knows he needs it. I've tried therapy, but she just told me to leave. I stopped going cause that's not the solution I need. I want education on how to make myself healthy and less bitter so I can help my partner through the most difficult time in his life. [br>[br>If any one's had experience through this, or what I can educate myself with its would be immensely helpful. [br>Thank you for reading. I'm sure it got confusing somewhere in my desperate attempt to type all this out. =/
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