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Lonely and worried
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viper60 posted:
Today has been a landmark day....a horrible one. My wife has left, seeking time away, and I don't know what will ensue when she returns from a weekend sabbatical away with her friends. I love her dearly, but I can't seem to reach her. We are financially o.k., work very hard, but I started a business on my own and the financial rewards are not what they were some time ago. She has stuck with me when few women would. Not that I have ever strayed, but due to bouts of depression, which I have been treated for over the last few years, I have been emotionally unavailable to some extent. She also struggles with depression, we both take meds, but still feel down many days. Work is a large part of our lives, and we devote many hours to pursuing the elusive "American dream". Have a nice home, drive new luxury vehicles, kids, grandkids, but age is beginning to take it's toll physically. She has poor self-esteem due to weight, Very co-dependent with her kids, while I leave mine to fend mostly for themselves but of course help out when they allow me to. Second wife for me, fourth husband for her.
With her gone this weekend, I am surrounded by firearms, as this is my business. I have purposefully removed myself from most of them, and yet I feel some danger in being in close proximity. She seems to have just fallen out of love, and I find myself devastated by the prospect of losing her. Right now, the only thing keeping me from eating a bullet is my love for my children and my grandkids. My parents are deceased, my sisters are estranged and not in touch, and my only family is her, her kids, and her extended family. If I lose them, I'm not sure how I will cope.
I am college educated, of reasonable intelligence, but have just lost much of my drive to excel. Some days, good enough is good enough. In the not too distant past, I drove myself to lengthy work days, took great pride in our home, and worked diligently to improve our lives. Lately, however, I seem to have lost my drive to excel. One can't turn on the TV without being bombarded with commercials about low testosterone and such, and I know that may be an issue. I love her deeply, but I have let her down in my support of her, both financially and emotionally. I take full responsibility for any and all bad decisions I have made in my 53 years, and there have been a few. Loving her is not one of them. She's a very strong-willled and controlling woman, and I some days find resentment rising of that rising to inappropriate levels.
The next 48 hours are crucial to me. I can't call her without seeming too needy, and I miss her desperately. I wonder what she may be doing, and here I sit, in a room full of firearms, afraid to get up from my chair for fear of myself and my own human weaknesses and selfishness. One thing drives me in life. Integrity. Someone, please tell me that is enough, that it is always darkest before the dawn, and that whatever happens, there will be a way to move on from the horrible pain that will follow. I am no stranger to pain, having lost a fiancee in an auto accident years ago, both my parents, and now possibly her due to my own inability to meet her emotional needs.
Just need some assurances I suppose, as I don't want to burden my children with their dad's emotional baggage......
Reply
 
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MarieFair responded:
Hello Viper,

I am new here, just of now; and I'm not sure if you already know others on this board. I feel very compelled to reply to your post. You are a very intelligent and insightful man; I really hope you can hang on long enough to let this overwhelming loneliness pass.
I can't speak for you; but, I do know that I get feelings of desperation sometimes and then they start to fade and I realize that I can feel some hope. I don't want to make this post about me; I just want to let you know that I understand where you are coming from and would like nothing more at this moment than to help ease your pain.

Sincerely,
Marie
 
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viper60 replied to MarieFair's response:
Marie,

Your heartfelt reply has indeed uplifted me to an extent. The old saying about "you don't know what you've got until it's gone" is quite appropriate for me now, and I have no one to blame but myself. Most of my life I have lived with the dark cloud of depression hovering, and I now hear the storm gathering. My sincere thought of our existence here is that it is highly over-rated, but it does offer moments of intense joy, happiness, and fulfillment. Conversely, I have experienced and dealt with tragic loss and was always the one people would turn to in times of crisis for support and guidance. Now, I feel I am relegated to depending on the kindness and compassion of complete strangers, and your reply has provided me just that. Thank you and God bless. You have uplifted me in the comfort that no one need suffer alone.
 
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rohvannyn responded:
Things can get better. They definitely can. I know it's really hard to imagine that right now but it is true. It may be a good time to re-evaluate your priorities, since you have time to yourself anyway. Could it be that you are stressing yourself out by having such high expectations of yourself that your motivation is harder to come by? It's really hard to have a drive to excel when you keep getting only bad news, and even harder when you aren't getting anything out of it, such as not even enjoying your life. Think about why you love her, and think about what you really want out of life. Accept yourself if you can, make a few plans for improvement, but don't try to give yourself a huge to do list. When she comes back to you, have a heart to heart and let her know how much you love her. Maybe you can pull together and make a better life.

I hope some of this makes sense. Feel free to vent, we don't mind. My thoughts are with you.
 
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viper60 replied to rohvannyn's response:
Rohnannyn,

Your message hit home. My response to adversity has usually been to institute wholesale changes, and then I wonder why I stay frustrated when they don't all work at the same time. A few plans for improvement seems possible. A huge to-do list would be overwhelming. I tend to be an "all or nothing" guy, and that, in retrospect, is a sure path to failure. It is my first time ever on a forum such as this, and the kindness and compassion from folks like yourself and MarieFair are coming through loud and clear.
Having always been "the rock" that others would turn to in times of crisis, it is taking everything I have to open up and express myself. My attempts to do so are feeble at best, as any relationship is full of many varied complexities, and I can only express so much in a forum such as this. So much water has been flowing under the bridge of our relationship. And here I am trying to build a dam and back the water up so that I may re-start the river that was our love. Please know that your thoughts and concerns are indeed easing my pain and giving me the strength to deal with the uncertainty that surely lies ahead. My twin 22 year old sons just showed up at my home, obviously "tipped off" by someone, that I was in a sea of despair. Enough of the tired old analogies....river, dams, seas, my gosh I want to make myself puke!!! A smile.....wow!! I am deeply touched by the kindness I have been shown here and will continue on with this saga.
God Bless all,
Rick
 
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rohvannyn replied to viper60's response:
I'm glad you are feeling better, a little better at least. We may not ever meet but at least we can all support each other and offer advice.
 
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itmatsb replied to viper60's response:
First of all, get the guns out of your home. They are too much of a hazard to you. You say that you haven't supported your wife financially, yet you say that you have luxury cars and a good home. So how much is your wife suffering from your business not taking off the way that you would like it to? It doesn't sound like the business gives you any joy though when you say that you have lost your motivation to excel. Perhaps you should try working at something else.
And it is entirely possible for you to support your wife emotionally more if you want her to stay supporting you emotionally which you say that you don't think that you can cope without her.
Another thing that I think is very important is for you to reach out to others to have some emotional support from friends. You shouldn't have everything in your psychological survival wrapped up with just one person.
Lastly, see your doctor and tell them that you are still having depression, are deathly afraid of losing your wife--literally, consider suicide sometimes, etc. Your doctor, hopefully a psychiatrist, can better help you.
I too have suffered far worse depression than you describe. Finding the right medication did finally treat it. Wish you the best.


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