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    trying and very fearful
    avatar
    AlexisAlexis30 posted:
    Can anyone relate? I have come to realize that I have always had moments of despair since a teenager and they usually derived from being disappointed. All of my life I have considered myself to be a productive citizen, doing the right things, graduated from college, wasn't into drugs or associated with the wrong crowds. It seems like my life has consisted of lots of bad luck though; I am underemployed, have 3 kids from a relationship that lasted 10 years and ended badly because my life was threatened (no detail but serious), a single mom now, owned a business but ended it a year ago due to the straining relationship of my spouse. The greatest achievements of my life was that long term 10 year relationship, earning a degree, having kids, owning a business...now its all downhill. Nothing to show for my honest hard work and being a good person. Life consists of overwhelming responsibilities, let downs, disappointment in my decisions and sadness. I don't see anything good happening in the future because Im aware of my work load of life because of the path I made for myself. Sadly I have had thoughts of suicide but my kids are the reason I am still here today. I am fearful though because when I am alone with my thoughts they tend to go in the direction of ending things. I have luckily set up an initial appointment to see a doctor I am trying I am trying. Each day has been a struggle and I fear those thoughts returning. I try to keep myself busy. the moments of despair has taken a life of its own and each time it seems that it is more difficult to get out of that rut and it has become more time consuming to get out of that despair. Im getting older, not in my youthful 20s anymore I am now 30, don't feel attractive, I think my sadness as affected my outward appearance, I cant hide the sadness anymore on my face. I don't want to feel this way...of course I want to be happy or at least content with life. I find myself disconnected during the day even around the kids sometimes. I take things one day at a time, maybe each minute at a time....the mental pain can be unbearable. it is hard to describe but its like when you experience a headache you'll take medicine to relieve the pain, but when you have this mental/despair type pain one source of relieve could be to end things. Horrible to say, I don't want to end things because its just not right. this is why I am seeking help. my appointment is next week. for now I am trying my best to pass the next few days, Im rolling through each day, supporting myself the best I can to hold on to that fraction of hope. fearful of the negative thoughts that will come again whenever it pleases, sigh. Can anyone relate?
     
    avatar
    kbriann responded:
    Hello

    I am sorry your going through this. I too have been fighting depression and anxiety for a long time and I totally understand what your saying. First realize that your thoughts can't hurt you. Sometimes we have fearful, anxious thoughts that scare us. I also want you to know I find great comfort in Jesus Christ. He stated he will never leave us or forsake us when we call out his name. Just don't ever give up and remember many people love you!


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