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Depression and low self esteem
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TiredOfMyOwnMind posted:
Am new to this site and hoping for someone who may understand. I have recently been prescribed anti depressants as was my second visit to the doctors in six years they decided it was the best course of action. I have very low self esteem and at the recommendation from a friend I have started cognative behaviour therapy (CBT) my sessions make sense, the tablets initially helped. But for some reason the last few weeks I have started feeling more insecure than ever, believing my friends don't care and only talk to me out of pity or habit or guilt. I have a small group of friends of which my cousin was part of, an argument broke out with my cousin and myself and she told me lots of spiteful things about not liking me never liking me, telling me I'm lying about my depression laughing at me telling me I'm a horrible person and don't deserve friendship. My other friends in the group don't agree with her and have told her she was spiteful however they are still friends with her as she hasn't done anything to them. My friends have told me they love me and praised me for getting help but for some reason I cannot accept they are telling the truth. It's like I no longer trust my own instincts. I can't tell if they are genuine or whether they agree with my cousin. I told a friend I didn't think she'd miss me if I died as I don't think it would affect her life and she got upset with me and said that was a hurtful and disgusting thing to say. It just made me feel worse about myself. I can no longer determine whether I'm justified to think my friends aren't actually friends and don't actually like me or whether I'm purposely pushing them away. I don't know what to do anymore and feel very isolated Can anyone help? Has anyone experienced similar?
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KAN88 responded:
Hi TiredOfMyOwnMind,


I know how you feel, I often think someone is mad at me if they don't respond to me right away (meanwhile they have a life and are most likely just busy and not mad seeing as I didn't do anything to make them mad), I also frequently think people don't like me and/or just invite me to things out of pity.

I've also accused people of not caring, or that they they probably don't really like me, etc. The list goes on. BUT let me tell you this...it's just the depression toying with your mind. I know it can be very confusing depicting what is actually reality and what is not, but if I do know one thing by now, it's that my depressed mind likes to tell me that people don't like me, when in fact, this is not true.

Your cousin was harsh, however it seems that your other friends are very supportive especially when they have even told your cousin that she was in the wrong. If your friends did not like you, they would not have stood up for you, nor would they continue talking to you. You are very lucky to have friends who care, and I know it's hard to see this at points when you're depressed, but it's just the depression telling you that they don't like you, not reality.

They are genuine, and I think your friend's reaction to you saying that she probably wouldn't care if you were gone shows that their feelings towards you are genuine.

It takes a lot but for me, when I am beginning to think people don't like me, I try to stop myself and ask what evidence there is to prove this and what evidences there is to disprove it.

Depression is hard, and it effects everyone around you as well, but just know that it is not your fault and it can get better, you just need to work a bit extra than other people.

What I do is I see a counsellor, it took me a bit to find one that I liked, but by seeing a counsellor I can tell them anything even things that would otherwise hurt the people around me. Counsellors also understand depression more than the average person and they do not judge. It helps to have someone to talk to. You can talk to me if you would like.

Another thing that helps (and this can be a hard one) is exercise, even if you start small at first and just go for walks. It's even better if you find someone to go for walks with you because then you have company as well.

Eating healthy is another biggie. I find that when I am depressed and eat crappy I overall feel worse. One, because it's not good energy and makes me feel sluggish and two, because I already have body image problems and eating junk is not going to help me with that.

Anyways, I hope this isn't just mumble jumble and that I was able to help a bit, message me if you need and just remember that your friends do care and if they didn't they wouldn't have stood up for you.


- K
 
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TiredOfMyOwnMind replied to KAN88's response:
Hearing it from someone outside of my life is incredible. I didn't think anyone else would be able to understand but knowing that others experience similar and understand the torment is such a relief. I may be mental but at least I'm not alone lol. I am going to see a friend after work this evening, if I can still call her that as she is the one who is angry at me because I hurt her. I was wrong I know that but how to explain to someone who doesn't understand that all I crave is their love and acceptance but my mind disagrees Fingers crossed it goes well and I am going to try my hardest to listen and try not to take negatives but look at positives instead. Thank you so much for your reply, it really means a lot. Hope your week is filled with at least one blessing
 
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1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on responded:
Tired,

Love the name by the way, it is soo very true and i wish i could just turn mine off for a few minutes a day.

I can completely understand how you feel, I am very similar. All I want is to be liked/loved by those around me. I also get anxiety when I text a friend and it takes them forever to respond, my mind just races with WTF did i do this time. When like you mentioned, probably NOTHING, they have a life and are busy. Which is probably the case 99/100, but yet as KAN mentioned, the depression convinces us otherwise. It puts some awful illogical reason in our head, that any other person would believe to be untrue. But for someone who is depressed we search for every piece of evidence to make it true.

My biggest issue is family, they are super supportive of me, but yet they are disappointed that I have never reached my full potential. A potential that I have never seen, I know I am capable, but in my head im not worthy. When in reality, I am worthy and why shouldnt we allow ourselves to be happy?

As KAN mentioned, your friends to do care about you, if the didnt care, they wouldnt be there. Are you trying to push them away? probably, but that is something that we do. We dont want someone getting too close, because they might actually LIKE us for who we are. Its just another way for us to justify in our heads, that we are horrible people and we do not deserve to have any friends. If your friends didnt care, they would have cut and run a long time ago. When life gets tough, thats when you find out who your true friends are. they are the ones who are there for you, no matter the circumstances.

As for your friend you are going to see, I am sure she is upset, she has every right to be. She had a friend tell her that she wouldnt miss her if she died. Her reaction alone should be enough of a reason to know that she loves you. She is not mad at you tho, she is mad at the words and the thought. I hope when you are talking with her, you try to explain a little bit about what your going thru. She may learn just how depressed you really are, many people think we are overexagurating*(sp?) our depression. When in reality, we are probably underplaying it.

The feeling of isolation, again, just reconfirms in our minds that we are not loved/liked by anyone. We put ourselves inside that cage of a brain we have and we think its completely ok, to be ALONE. As people, we need interaction, since the beginning of time, we have had gatherings to bring people together. I dont know about you, but when i am alone, it gives me time to think...which isnt always the best medicine. being with others, it at least gives us the chance to laugh and maybe forget that we are depressed for a few moments.

Like KAN, i see a therapist weekly, it really gives me something to look forward to. Often times if im having a bad week, im counting the days. Just let me make it till Thursday! So just remember, You are going to be okay! There are a bunch of people out there who love and care about you! I know it's hard to believe it at times, but its true and probably more people than you ever thought.

Best of luck!

IC
 
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TiredOfMyOwnMind replied to 1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on's response:
Hi IC

The name just came to me when I joined, like you say it's so true, I think many people suffering with depression would agree.

I met with my friend and I had written a list of things I wanted to discuss when I was feeling rational so that if I got emotional during out chat or started to think she hated me etc I would have my list to focus on.

I apologised for upsetting her and then I just let her speak until she was finished and then I spoke through my points and we chatted abit. Then she told me about some shows she'd ordered as we are going on holiday in November to visit my sister who lives abroad. But it was funny because she told me she'd been itching to tell me about the clothes etc but she refused to message me because she was cross with me. Little did she know how uplifting it was that she had wanted to talk to me.

I stayed for a while after our chat and we just had normal conversations and when I came to leave we had a hug and as I went to pull away she hugged me a little tighter. My immediate thought was whats she doing? But then after I realised that she just wanted to hug me because she cares and she has no idea what that means to me.

I just hope I keep that in my head the next time I start to doubt them.

I went back to my docs for my check up and he's upped the strength of my tablets and we have discussed possible counselling so ill see what happens.

Thanks for your reply its so helpful to know that others understand


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