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Tired and frustrated
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Alissian posted:
I am very tired today and frustrated with myself. I posted here I was suffering chronic depression...an alcoholic addict almost 2 yrs clean and sober. Really struggling to survive much less get ahead. I have been unemployed since early 2010. I do belong to AA, NA and alanon. I hve been applying for jobs. My app looks terrible as I have not worked in so long and I had gotten fired from my last 2 jobs...pretty much consequences of my addiction. Trying to work a program but is difficult as I was always an atheist...and now trying to have faith in a power greater than me! I believe allot of things are greater than I. Actually right now the way I feel I feel so inadequate...unable to do the things I need to like paperwork...get a job...sleep...get my house clean...etc.. I feel hopeless and useless. I feel like a failure. All I seem to get done day after day is what I 'have to do' to survive the day. Some days that is ok with me...but many others I am upset and frustrated with myself or just feel like a piece of crap because I am not doing what...or as well as I think I should be...much less living up to the expectations of others. Some others in my life are patient and kind. Mostly those who understand depression and recovery. My family for the most part does not. My sister who has suffered from depression her whole life is like my worst critic and poisons anyone who will listen with her horrible opinion of me...including my own children:(

Just venting today I guess. I keep trying to find the help I need thru the program...reading....praying etc. Soon I hope to be getting some meds from a prescription drug program that will help. I need help. Some days not doing so good on my own. I still want to drink or drug sometimes. I just want to feel better...or sedate myself!! It would help so damn much if I had ins.!!

Very tired today as I hardly slept lastnight thinking about my sister. I know...resentments will kill us right! I know they make me sick and tired. Actually being able to let them go is another matter:(
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rohvannyn responded:
Hi there! I'm glad you came here to vent. It can help.

Something jumped out at me, about what you said... that you were trying to have faith in a power greater than yourself. If you are an atheist, you might need a different approach... you can't really force a belief in a God, and praying doesn't do much if you don't believe. Don't feel bad, I'm atheist so I'm definitely not judging. What higher power to believe in when there isn't a God? What to rely on when you yourself feel like you aren't enough all the time? Hard to say... it may sound odd, but you can take some comfort in the fact that everything in your life responds to the choices you make. In all things, you can choose how you want to face the world, and you can choose what reactions you have to events.

That can seem to be a horrible truth to face, and it seems paralyzing at times, but it is ultimately freeing. If there isn't any spirit forcing you into decisions, it ultimately frees you from mental slavery and you can then ask other humans for help and advice and dig yoruself out of the muck. In short, there is hope. Most AAers say you don't have to believe in a God, just a higher power, so would it help to believe in your "wise self," some people call it a higher self, who ultimately wants the best for you?

I write these somewhat confused words out of a desire to help. I'm actually not trying to get into a religious discussion, just offering some assistance that isn't the usual "pray away the trouble" advice that never worked for me or satisfied. I wish you the best, as well as peace.
 
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hblisa responded:
Hello, I will pray for you to have strength to get through this day and everyday! I believe attitude is key to how we feel, we can all have difficult days and things that get thrown at us, but its how you react to any of it that will set your daily tone. Try to wake up each day with just a smile, and stretch and say I will have a good day today, and see what happens. It works for me, then I just take it one step at a time, Stay Strong!
 
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rohvannyn responded:
By the way, one little note... I don't think anyone who hasn't suffered through depression can understand how hard it is to merely get through the day, let alone anything extra to improve your situation. So you seriously have my sympathy.

If you can, try to move a little bit every day. Those lovely natural opiates your brain releases when you exercise can really help. Any time you need to vent we are here.
 
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Alissian replied to rohvannyn's response:
Thanks for the advice and hblisa for the prayers. I do believe that love is a very great power. I know that even as angry as I am at my sister right now that I still love her. I saw my daughter yesterday and it really made me very emotional lastnight and I did not sleep till after the sun rose. She shared that she still has resentments against me for what I put her thru with my disease. The reason she came over is that yes she does love me and misses me too. She wants to have a good relationship with me just like I want with her. I feel like she is waiting for me to 'be a sucess' (be working and all happy). She and my other family members that are not there for me right now do not really understand that I need thier love and support to get better. Whether I need it or not I have to do the best I can to work with what I have.

I want to believe in God. I want to be happy. I want to feel better. I want a job. I would like to do something with the rest of my life that makes me feel good about me...something I love or at least like!!

I do try and pray everyday for strength and wisdom, serenity, courage etc. I am trying to be a good person everyday and help others when I can. I wish I could do more. I wish I had the energy to do much more in my life. The depression and anxiety drain me. Without the program readings and friends I talk to and the meetings I get to when I can I would be horribly anxious and would be drinking and drugging or dead I am sure! I forgot to mention I am thankful I have my bike to ride, the library to go to to get online, food to eat and a warm dry safe home.

If there is a god please help me. Give me a break. I really need a job...hopefully one that I can do well and is satisfying to my soul:) I am growing very tired of struggling just to survive here. And please help me to be patient loving and kind to my daughter. help her forgive me for the pain I caused her. I have made my ammends to her and know all I can do is try and be there for her. Help my family understand that I am suffering from depression and am doing the best I can to fight it. Please help them find it in thier heart to be there for me...please.


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