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absolutely not okay
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pandabearjones posted:
I am 40 years old, never married, no childred. I have never had many real relationships with men-they have been short term and always ended really badly, with me getting hurt and having to put myself back together once again. Over the years, I've had to learn to be very independant and self sufficient, and while I spent a lot of time being painfully lonely, I had resigned myself to the fact that my life wasn't going to include a significant other. Then fourteen months ago I got into a deeply intense relationship with a man I had had a "crush" on for years. And all of a sudden I realized what I had been missing from my solitary life. I was happy every second of every day. I felt like someone finally loved me for all the things I love about myself, I felt like a new person. I thought that THIS was what everyone looked for and couldn't find. And he told me he felt the same way, that the way he loved me was the way love was supposed to feel. I was happy. Really truly happy. And then three weeks ago he told me that he was sorry, that he really did care about me, but that he was going back to his ex wife, that he had to do what was best for him and his family, that he was sorry, that I wasn't a part of his life anymore. And I am not okay, and I'm not going to be okay. I can't get past it. I'm back in this world of loneliness, and I feel like it is going to kill me. And nobody believes me. I have a lot of good friends, and they all say the same things- "You'll be fine, you always are." "You'll find someone else." "But you're so beautiful, you're so great, so many people love you, this is really not that big of a deal." And none of them see that I am drowning. I feel worthless, I feel like I'm not supposed to be happy, I feel like I am never going to recover from this. I know the pain will get better, but I know myself, and I am never going to be the same after this. All the people I know that go through bad breakups all do the same thing-just find somebody else. And I can't do that.
I feel broken. And lost. And that there is no point at all to life when you spend it all alone, especially since I now know what it feels like not to be alone. I am absolutely not okay, and I don't know what to do now.
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rohvannyn responded:
You are so right. You had gotten to where you could exist alone, and then you tasted what it was like to love and be with a partner, and then you lost it. Of course it hurts a lot! That's one of the worst pains a human being can feel. Your friends would realize this if they really put themselves in your shoes. Sounds like they are too busy seeing things from their own perspectives, though.

I know what it's like and it feels soul killing, doesn't it? This man in effect betrayed you and that isn't any fun to feel either. The feelings will fade in time, you have to hold on to that, but also take time to grieve.

There is one good thing you can take from this though. Once a little time has passed and things aren't so raw, at least now you will know what it is like to love so you know what you might be able to find again. This time, hopefully, with someone who doesn't go back on his word. Don't lose sight of the fact that you are still worthwhile even if you are alone, you can live without another person, but it is awesome when you have someone else. I'm saying that from hard experience.

One last thing... when you do find someone else, you may need to do some adjusting, because living in the context of a relationship requires different skills and behaviors. A real danger is if you get involved with someone who is used to being in a relationship, and you aren't used to it. Your normal self-reliant habits can make them feel unloved and unwanted, when you are just being you. I'm still struggling with that myself.

Take some time for you, be good to yourself. Most people out there are used to being in relationship all the time, or so it seems to me anyway, so they may not understand as they should.

Good luck to you.
 
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pandabearjones replied to rohvannyn's response:
Thank you for your kind words. You are the first person who has understood how I feel, who hasn't just told me to shake it off. I actually tried to talk to my mother last night about it, and she acted put out that I had disturbed her peaceful existance, and said "get over it, it's not that bad." You are exactly right, most people are used to being in relationships and don't understand how scary and debilitating real loneliness can be. All of my friends just jump from relationship to relationship, they will never get it.
I'm also struggling with letting go completely. I can't get past the idea his attempt to "do the right thing" will fail and he will come back to me. That's not something I want to hang onto, that faint hope that things will work out for me, but I just can't seem to let it go.
I can't sleep, I can't make myself exercise anymore where before I was religious about it, and I haven't eaten a bite of food I haven't thrown up in three days. I'm such a mess, and on top of it I hate myself for not being able to deal with this better.
 
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rohvannyn replied to pandabearjones's response:
Have you had a good cry? I mean, a really good sobbing fit where you end up with your sinuses full and your tear ducts empty? Perhaps you are already grieving, but if you haven't done so, grieve some more. Maybe write about it or even draw about it if that's your thing. If nobody wants to listen, pour your heart out in a poem, a story, a collage, a screaming fit, anything. Try to find a way to express all the feelings inside, not just the sadness, but the anger, the disappointment, the regret, the betrayal, everything. You can't let them go untill you've acknowledged them and felt them deeply. I'm just starting to learn this.

He may come back someday. Or you may find another guy. When you do get into a relationship again, you will be prepared for it and can really enjoy it. But that time isn't yet. Right now you are doing what is natural, so be kind to yourself. It is a struggle to let go but it will happen in time.
 
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pandabearjones replied to rohvannyn's response:
I am grieving, it hurts like it is a physical pain. I've gone through bouts of short term depression before, but I've never felt like this. I've had the horrible crying spell that left me feeling hollow and almost catatonic, I'm trying to surround myself with things and people I love, but I just feel like I'm sleepwalking through everything. And I know that this has changed me, that I won't ever be able to be open and trusting like I was with this man, I will always hold back. But I am being kind to myself, I'm not letting myself be convinced, by myself or other people, that I should be okay already. And I'm working on moving through this with the belief that he is gone for good, and that though I will never be the same, I will be better. As someone really great told me yesterday, "he was a great love,you will never be over this, but it will suck less one day."


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