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    bipolar? depressed? schizo? or psychosis?
    avatar
    mansonsmith posted:
    alright, this is my first time doing this but i'm actually getting to the point where i'm struggling in real life and fighting with myself.
    when i was five my younger sister was born and i didn't get picked up from school until 6pm (school ends at 3) that's when i snapped i cried so hard and for so long i couldn't breathe, then i looked in the mirror, and stopped all of a sudden. i felt dead. that was the first time i said i want to kill myself. i didn't get diagnosed with depression until i was 15, even though i started cutting myself at 11. they tested different medications on me the whole time i was going to psychiatric hospitals and classes, so ive basically been on everything. from 15-18 i went to psych hospitals a total of 8 times for trying to commit suicide, its safe to say none of the medication worked
    when i turned 18 my Medicaid (insurance helping me go to therapy) ran out and i was cut off. no more classes, drugs, therapy, no more help because i come from an immigrant family whom is going through tough times here. I was pretty confident throughout that time time i thought i was going to be ok and dandy. looking back no matter how much i tried to convince myself otherwise, i couldn't handle it by myself. since i couldn't go to hospitals or treatment i decided to keep my cutting on the downlow, i self medicated, drank, took mixtures of downer drugs just to be able to sleep comfortably. i only had extreme suicidal episodes about three times since i was 18. 2 of them all i remember was waking up all over my blood, legs sliced so bad i couldn't even recognize myself, it looked like i got beat up because my face was purple and swollen from the left side or waking up with my arms sliced up and empty pill bottles (i must have taken all my medication because out of seven bottles i had in my cupboard three of them were empty and the rest were on low)
    the third episode i had in front of my fiancé. again i cant remember any details of the episode except getting in the car to go to work then waking up in the car on his arms. but this is what my fiancé describes.
    i didn't move, i didn't speak, i just stared at my surroundings softly whispering god knows what. whenever he said whats wrong i said i don't wanna die, theyre going to kill me. he said whose going to kill you i said i don't know them, ive never seen them, who are these people, why are they allowed in here. and so on. then when we get about five minutes away from work i started hyperventilating really bad and when they stopped the car to let me breathe i ran away from them and yelled i don't wanna die i don't wanna die. the same thing kept happening until i finally hyperventilated myself to sleep. he popped a pill in my mouth and when i woke up we were halfway home.

    now in my opinion that doesn't sound like just depression so if i could please get some kind of information on myself to know what exactly is wrong with me it would help a lot. but all i know is i don't have a job anymore, my apartment is gone, were living with our parents and i just want to be ok so i can work again.

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